Inside My Head
Disclaimer: This might literally be the most disturbing thing I'll post here. This poem contains themes related to; depression, anxiety, emotional impairment, self-destructive habits. Viewer discretion is advised.
Some interpretations may be darker than others, and I am not responsible for how you personally interpret this poem. If you find you genuinely relate to the thoughts presented here, please seek help or talk to someone you trust.
This poem is a personification of; Depression. This is a heavily censored version of my original poem (stanzas and lines omitted or changed).
Wishing to unsee the things I've seen, and
Unhear the songs that get stuck in my head playing relentlessly,
Wishing to unwind the past few years of my life
Or go all the way and unravel myself completely.
A lost girl, a blank slate,
a grey monochrome sky again today.
“I hate this” I whisper to myself
even my head goes beneath the water, the words drowned.
My tears dissipate in the water leaving nothing but blank red eyes.
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid. Give me a happy dream for once?
I sing quietly, the words feeble and useless like a bubble.
Even the warmth of the sun brings no comfort.
Visions dance, screaming, burning in my own fire.
An innocent girl turned to a blank-faced liar.
My world goes up in smoke but I’m the one holding the lighter.
I want it to end, but I don’t want to say goodbye.
I want tomorrow to hurry up and come but I don’t want to close my eyes.
I want to rewind and find where my life went awry.
When did it become you and I, together forever?
Want to scream, want to cry,
To simply disappear like an apparition in the blink of an eye.
I want it to end, the pain and sorrow on repeat in this purgatory
But I can’t hurt you, can’t find the strength.
But even if I could fade away painlessly,
I can’t make you forget me.
An upside-down map, lost in nothingness.
I close my eyes and drown in the darkness.
“I want this to end” I whisper to myself.
No one can hear me crying for help.
My tears fall endlessly without any sign of stopping.
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid.
Please don’t show me a nightmare.
Wandering sometime in the middle of the winter night
Wouldn’t you? You’d cry if I...?
But even now it becomes hard to breathe.
Lingering on a happy moment, how could I say those things?
People joke about it, wanting to die or disappear or forget,
But they don’t understand, it’s more than simple regret.
This pain latches onto you. It stays with you forever.
No matter how hard you try you can’t dull it, can’t get rid of it.
I sink deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper!
Into a vast sea of memories and I can't escape.
If I were to forget, would the whole sea be drained?
Or would I keep drifting forever as long as you recognize this as “me?”
A love note in bright red ink.
The mirror lies, that person isn’t me.
“Where is she?!” I whisper, I cry, and I scream.
Drowning in my own desire - is this happy?
My tears stop suddenly with a revelation.
Midnight? Sometime around 3 AM?
I can’t sleep, the fear creeping in and gripping my heart,
Darkness seeping in through the cracks of the door.
Ah, I want to cry, want to scream!
Will I be trapped inside this dream eternally?
If so, do I even want to wake up?
I want to close my eyes and fall asleep forever,
But not if you’d lament over knowing you couldn’t save me this time!
“A little bit longer, a little bit longer, I can hold on… “
I’ve lost my grip and I’m falling.
What did I do to deserve this?
An endless cycle through my thoughts and visions,
In the middle of the night, the entity known as Death
Knocks on my window and I turn him away again.
I have to smile, have to pretend everything is okay for her.
Even if laughing it off just hurts even more.
“I’m OK! (I’m broken)”
“Is that so? That so?”
“One more time!” “No more…”
...Keep me trapped in this life forever?
The seconds tick by, wasted without you.
No productivity left, blank schedule.
Motivation? What motivation? I have none anymore.
I don’t care about the future because I can’t imagine myself having one.
There’s nothing ahead of me but a black void,
A chasm of emptiness waiting to swallow me up.
But as long as I have my voice I can keep singing
Even if I have no reason to.
Love is dangerous, you know. The most dangerous game
That most of us play without really knowing.