A Life Far Away From Sidonia

Zangyl

Active Member
Hiyaa everyone!
First i'd like to say that this is a fanfiction i have written at the beginning of this year. My writing style has changed considerably since then.

Now i'd like to wish you, the reader, a lot of fun reading about what happened to the colonists who set off to build a new life on LEM VII.
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Chapter 1: Unsuspected Visitors
[/: Lem Starsystem – Lem VII – 23:55]


"Were those the last of the crates?" Akio asked the man who just brought a shipment of rice. "We've been waiting for the rice and hoped it would be worth it…"

"I'm sorry... This is all we could spare..." The soldier said as he turned over the cylindrical containers. They were standard issue for Colonization efforts. It was white with a grey handle, which could be used to tow the goods easily.

Akio looked rather disappointed when he saw the three small boxes filled to the brim with rice. He knew Sidonia also needed food and supplies for their own population, but neglecting the new-found Colony would actually hurt Sidonia in the long run.

"Thanks anyway…" Akio said as the man who brought the rice, left. "Stupid soldiers…" He noted as he grabbed one of the handles and started towing it towards the main silo.

When Akio arrived at the silo, he once again was impressed by the huge cylindrical building. It was filled to the brim with rice. When he arrived at the drop-off point, he turned to look at the terminal that stated the current levels.

"Ugh..." He whimpered as he noted that the silo was almost full. "Just this bit..." He said as he poured the contents of the cylindrical container into the shute. When he turned around he noticed a sickly and somewhat pale, elder man.

"Hello?" Akio said as he couldn't see clearly. It was dark already, which limited how far he could see. When he came closer, he noticed that the man was scurrying through the emptied cylinders, touching and examining them.

"Sir, you're not supposed to be here. It's after dark and this place is restricted. Only the food distribution staff is allowed to come here." He noted officially as he arrived at the place where the man suddenly stood still, holding his back as if he had an old injury.

"Who's there..?" The old man asked as he looked around, seemingly unable to see clearly.

"It's Akio, the officer overseeing the food distribution." Akio stated as he moved closer, allowing the elderly man to see him.

"A-ah... I-i'm so sorry..." The elderly man started as he could now see Akio clearly. Akio was shocked by what he saw: The man was thin as a leaf, with a brittle skin, probably from his old age. His eyes were pale and his movements seemed to be slow and unsure. The man was suffering of malnutrition.

"Woah... This... This man must have forgotten that he could simply photosynthesize..." Akio thought as he just stood there, the elderly man waiting for him to say something.

"What is your name?" He then asked as he bowed down, reaching for a smaller container which he filled with rice.

"I-i... Uhm... I cannot remember..." The man said as he looked Akio right into his eyes. Akio grabbed the man's both hands, which started to shake as Akio touched him;

"I'm so sorry... I... I got a family to feed..." He started as he felt like he was being arrested. Instead, Akio gave him the container with rice and said: "We're all friends here, we look out for each other." He put the elderly man's hands around the cylinder and continued: "Go now and eat. Don't forget that we distribute rations every Monday..."

The man bowed, tears could be seen rolling down his cheeks. A lot of creaking and sighing emerged from him as he slowly walked away.

Akio just stood there, frozen in time as he thought of the man and his, probably very hungry, family. "We should start production of our own vegetables..." he told himself as he turned around, shivering of the cold. "Oh… I must get back…" He thought as he noticed numerous lights switching off inside of the residential area. As he started walking he couldn't help but notice the pressure in the air. "My head…" He though as a thought-killing headache started making sure he wouldn't sleep the following couple of hours. The silence outside was strange after such a noisy and productive day and Akio had trouble getting used to the strange ambiance here. He wasn't used to birds flying around or trees creaking in the wind.

When he finally arrived at his little, but comfy apartment, he opened the door with his key and stepped in. The wooden wall-plating made it look like home and the sound of the ventilation systems made him feel rather comfortable. He walked into the kitchen, where he grabbed a cooker and put it on his wooden worktable. He enjoyed cooking and did so every night. After he filled the device with water, he activated it, which resulted into a electric whirring through the whole house. "Now that's what i love… The mechanical scraping of the ventilation systems and the electrical whirring of powered cables…" He sighed as he scouped some rice out of his container and emptied it into the already steaming cooker. The bubbling of the hot water seemed relaxing, and Akio couldn't help but stare in it. "It almost looks like Sidonia's sea..." He thought as he was getting lost in the bubbling, cooking water.

A ringing sound, somewhere far away, trying to bring him back to the here and now.

When he opened his eyes again, Akio noticed the alarm had gone off, which indicates the rice is about done. "That was fast..." he thought as he deactivated the cooker and started to drain the leftover water from the device. It smelled a bit sweet. "How i love rice..." He exclaimed as he turned to grab a plate and two silfer forks. He'd got them from his mother who told him to take care of them, because they're one of the last things Humanity brought from Earth when it was destroyed, or devoured by the Gauna.

As he sat down at the low dining table in the living room, he grabbed the newspaper and read it. It wouldn't take long before he threw it away, the miserable piece of paper flying through the room, hitting the bowl of sweet water in which the rice was cooked. "Oh come-on..." He though as he sighed and simply continued eating. The rice tasted nice, especially since he learned how to cook it properly by Sidonia's dorm mother, Lala Hiyama. Akio laughed as he thought of this and remember a time when he called miss Hiyama by her first name; He was being chased by her through the dorm's many hallways until she found him and threw him into his room, where she locked his door, only to let him out moments later. The laugh disappeared quickly when he realized he would never see miss Hiyama again, not after he signed on for this Colonization mission. He suddenly felt sad, his appetite suddenly gone. He stood up and walked towards his bedroom, where he froze in place, surprised by the scene in front of him:

Pieces of his bed, standing up against the wall.

"Ah no... I never finished the bed..." He remembered as he slowly turned around and looked at the couch: "Well my friend, it seems you got company tonight..." He said jokingly, surprised by the harsh sound of his own voice, which echoed throughout the house. "Let's get back to thinking..." he though as his headache just increased in intensity due to him speaking out loud. "Atleast my thoughts don't hurt me... yet..." He shook his head, as if he was trying to forget his headache. Instead, he made it worse, resulting in him exclaiming and sitting down on the couch, where he grabbed a blanket and pulled it up to his chin, the already warm blanket slowly heating him up. He sighed once again, looking around in boredom. It was at times like these he truly missed Sidonia, there were always things to do on the Seed Ship and no-one could ever get bored. He'd just go and explore one of the old organic converter reactors, in which he could dwell for hours. He would then marvel about what makes such a machine tick and finaly, when he couldn't find out what it is that did just that, he would go back home and fall in sleep peacefully. "Can't say i miss the organic converter reactors... Thou, they were rather interesting to explore..." He thought as he felt his eyes become heavy, his mouth dry. Then finally, he fell asleep.

[/: Lem Starsystem – Lem VII – 10:34]

When he woke up, it was already late in the morning. "I'm lucky i've got the day off..." he thought to himself as he quickly got out of bed. His naked body got cold as he walked towards the bathroom. Here he looked in the mirror and did his hair. The pitch-black Mohawk was quickly formed and he decided to leave the stubble on his chin. "It's kinda hot..." He thought. He stared at his face for a while and realized he must have lost some weight. His well-cut cheeks defined his handsome face and his bright, blue eyes complimented the whole face. When he looked down at his body, he was happy with what he saw: Thickly muscled legs, broad shoulders, A very muscled chest and the stripe of black hair coming from his crotch up to his chest, where it slowly dissipated. It looked as if there was a straight path of blackness leading through the hills what would be his rater ripped sixpack.

He quickly put on his white, standard issue uniform, only closed the zipper to where his chest started, showing some skin. Upon realizing he just messed up his hair. He sighed as he redid his hair and walked out of the bathroom.

As he got past the kitchen, he grabbed an apple and ate it. He left the house while smiling.

That smile disappeared when the cold outside made him shiver all over his body and he wished he'd put on his environmental suit. He was on his way to the distribution center, where he'd check on the rationing. Even though he's got the day off, he'd still go out and check on things. Even though they're no longer on Sidonia, they still have to be careful how much food they eat. Thou they still have the ability to photosynthesize, additional food has to be eaten to keep strong in these harsh environments. The work the colonists do here everyday asks for more then photosynthesis can provide alone. As he walked, he though about how much work had already be done here. The residential area was fully done and furbished, barracks for the meager militia have been constructed and the Hygus particle collectors are working non-stop to provide the colony with power. When he arrived at one of the Hygus particle collectors, he noticed that two men were speaking with each other, whilst looking around cautiously:

"No, it has been like this since we arrived here..." One said as the other shook his head in denial.

"No, it only started yesterday, it even gives me headaches!" A man in military uniform said, the tone in his voice was rather loud, which meant he was being upset. "Besides, why would our outdated equipment collect more than Sidonia does? It's just... impossible." The look on his face was distressed as he started to pace around; "We must inform someone..."

"NO! We can't! Everyone's depending on us!" The first said as he quickly entered the collector, which was making rather unusual noises. "I'll run diagnostics..." He said as he quickly closed the door.

"Yes, everyone is depending on us..." The uniformed man said.

Akio decided to investigate, so he walked towards the man in the uniform and said: "What was that all about, soldier?" Akio's time in the military really showed as he suddenly stood more straight, his shoulders strong and a disciplined and focused expression on his face.

"It was nothing..." The man blushed as Akio looked him into the eyes: "You two seemed to be arguing about something..." Akio said and his face cleared up: "We're not the military here, we're all friends and need to work together as such..." Akio is charismatic, which allows him to persuade people to give up information more easily.

The ex-soldier shrugged as he tilted his head towards Akio; "Yeah, we had an argument." He paused for a while, sighed and continued: "We... Well, I believe that there's something wrong with the collectors." Immediately after he was done talking, a deep red blush appeared on his cheek; "I-i'm sorry..."

Akio laughed a little as he noticed the man's nervousness; "It's alright, just tell me what's going on here." He laid his hand on the man's shoulder, who seemed to relax as soon as Akio touched him.

"Well... As i said, i believe something is wrong with the collectors. They seem to collect more than they're supposed to..." The uniformed man stated, and continued when Akio kept silent; "They collect more Hygus particles than those at Sidonia..."

"Shouldn't we be happy with that?" Akio asked the man.

"Normaly i would say that it is indeed good." The man said as he brought his hands together. "In this case, it is not. They're simply working too well. It's suspicious."

Akio sighed as he listened to all this. It seemed the man was just another concerned and scared colonist who hasn't had a proper night's rest for a way to long time.

"I used to work with and maintain the Hygus particle collectors on Sidonia." The man said. With a scared and distressed expression on his face, he continued: "They... Well, they've only shown this kind of data when Gauna were nearby..." He sighed when he was done, clearly relieved that he told someone about his findings.

The man must've noticed that Akio was shocked by this revelation, because he suddenly said: "Are we in danger?"

"Alert. Gauna presence detected!" "Alert. Gauna presence detected!"

"Oh no..." Akio thought as the announcement reached both him and the soldier. They both just froze, unable to move. Seconds after the first announcement was send, the air raid siren went off.

As Akio suddenly realized what all this meant, he unfroze. He grabbed the man and started running towards his own house. "We... We've got to hide..." Akio said as they ran for their lives.

"Yeah..." The uniformed man noted, fear and anger in his voice.

"Alert. Gauna presence detected!" "Alert. Gauna presence detected!"

The sirens were unbearable. The loud and stinging voice it produced made the headache Akio had even worse, which resulted in him running even harder to reach his house safely. The uniformed man followed.

[/: Lem Starsystem – Lem VII – 11:56]

When they finally arrived at Akio's place, they were both panting and Akio had one hell of a throat-ache. He coughed, which only made it worse.

"Take it easy..." The uniformed man said. Akio was surprised by his sudden change of behavior; he suddenly looked like a real soldier.

"Yeah, thanks." Akio said as they went inside. "We can hide here... i think." Was all Akio said.

"Thanks for having me," The man said as he extended his arm, offering his hand as a greeting. Akio grabbed the man's hand firmly. "My name is Takeo..." The uniformed man said as suddenly the announcement replayed:

"Alert. Gauna presence detected!" "Alert. Gauna prese..."

The last part of the announcement was cut and ended in a lot of screaming and screeches.

"What was that..." Akio asked, fear in his voice.

When suddenly the sound of falling and rolling rocks could be heard, Akio walked towards the window, which showed him the horrific scene outside:

A Gauna had descended right on top of the colony's headquarters, it's shape was humanoid and looked like the ones the Gardes of Sidonia faced. It started reaping the population, which it did with it's tentacles. The noise the Gauna made as it slowly ate the whole population was horrific: screams and gurgling of pleasure.

The air raid sirens could be heard above all else, only rivaled by the screaming voices of the many panicked colonists and the gurgling coming from the Gauna.

"W-Wha... What do we do now?!" Takeo asked Akio, who was still looking at the horrific scene. When he finally turned around, the expression on his face was one of fear, anger and determination.

"We survive..." Was all Akio said as he turned around and looked at his new friend...
 
I don't know the source material for your piece, so this is a mostly structural review.

Firstly, your start is really, really strong: the grammar is good and I can for the most part picture exactly what's happening. It does seem like you got a little tired around the middle, though - some of your spelling and grammar starts to weaken. Proofreading your own work is difficult because your brain tricks you into seeing what you had meant to write, so it's worth waiting a little while before proofreading.

More generally, I can tell that you have a clear picture of your setting, characters and plot which is really fundamental; because you know what you're doing, the readers know what you've done. However, in terms of prose I think a quick scan of the piece for isolated words and phrases that aren't quite necessary would help to clean up the piece. There are a view adverbs and vague descriptors which don't add masses. That being said, I'd much rather read a piece with a few unnecessary words and phrases than one with whole unnecessary scenes, so good job.

All in all, I think you've got a really sound piece. If you're looking to publish it elsewhere, I think the piece needs some dusting (detailed above), and it's always worth rewriting a piece after the first time, because there might be things that you wanted to slot in but didn't, or that you don't think are clear enough.

And, hey, I know a bit about Knights of Sidonia now, including setting and premise, which is more than I knew before I read this so - hey - props!
 
@AMVabel , thank you so much! Your feedback really helps and you gave me that one jolt of energy i needed to rewrite it! I wrote this Fanfic back when i first started RP'ing so i think i could improve a lot!

Zan <3
 
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