Advice/help?

Ciera

Member
So, I have posted a story asking if you thought I was good at writing at or not. One person posted a comment that I thought was completely true. They said they think I am a very good writer I just tend to be very descriptive and then all of a sudden skip/ go right into something and don't explain enough, do you guys have any ideas to help me remember to change this? or way to help change this?
 
First of all, you should probably link your story in this post. I had to go into your profile to find it, and I'm assuming that you are talking about this one.

Shing! Ash smiled and glanced up, her completely golden eyes shining in the night. She gripped her long trusty spear and walked over to the edge of the cliff, her long feather, black, cloak shuffling behind her. She brushed her fingers down the long handle, feeling the twisting wreath design curling around the weapon. She spotted a hulking white figure shuffling down on the ground and the single tip of her spear slowly started to morph into three long, sharp scythe tips. The demon flicked her purple and blue slitted tongue in and out like a snake and jumped down the cliff, landing on both feet, the armor on her shoulders/cloak making no sound. She pulled the black feathered hood over her head and ran forward with lightning quick speed. She gritted her teeth and let out a cry of rage as she slammed the flat end of her weapon into the ground and front flipped high in the air. She thrust her spear down into the angels back as she landed. The angel let out a deafening cry of pain and shuddered. He grabbed the golden spear and pulled it out of his back and then tossed it across the area. She jumped into the air and grabbed the morphing spear, flipping backwards. She landed on her feet, slamming the blade into the ground before picking it up and twirling it in her hands so it was the right way. The Demon gripped the golden blade tightly, the Angel thrust five blades at her and she raised teh spear, flicking it side to side and knocking the blades back at the creature. Two hit him in the eyes, one in the nose and two in his throat. He collapsed, lifeless.

One of the main problems that I noticed was that you start your sentences with 'she' too much. This is rather repetitive, and can be avoided by referring to the character by some other trait. You've used races here, but I've seen many other writers use hair colours, nationalities, professions, social status, and many other things. Aside from that, the story is decent, though a lot of little things keep it from being good.

As for your problem of skipping stuff, I don't think that you need to worry much. From what I can see right now, you seem to be adding details for the sake of details. As you get better at writing, you'll start adding details for the sake of development. Saying that Ash is wearing a "long feather, black, cloak" doesn't really tell me much other than her current state of dress. Without a point of reference, it doesn't matter what a character wears. If I say that a character is wearing a "large, shapeless hooded brown cloak", then you'll know that the character is trying to go unnoticed, because he's wearing something the hides his face/body type, and brown is a really common colour. There is a cultural and practical reference for that, so it carries meaning beyond describing what your character is wearing. Once you reach that point, your writing should start to flow together naturally.

Though most of this is a stylistic choice, here is how I would write the story.

Ash let out a feral smile as she stared into the night, her golden eyes shining in the darkness. She gripped her spear with a casual familiarity, her fingers sliding into well worn groves. Walking over to the edge of the cliff, the demon stared down at her prey for the night. The hulking white angel walked below her, unaware that it was already dead. Morphing her spear into a three-pointed trident, Ash jumped and silently glided down the cliff, her armoured cloak flapping soundlessly as she flipped in the air. The demon's purple and blue slitted tongue flickered in anticipation as she descended, aiming her spear at the angel's back. Mere meters away from the ground, Ash screamed a cry of challenge, barely even giving the angel time to look up. The spear slid through spines, lungs, and ribs as it impacted the ground, pinning the angel to the cold hard stone. They prey let out a gurgled scream of pain, blood bubbling up from its throat. It reached back and pulled the spear out of its body with unnatural strength, flinging away hunter and weapon alike. Ash spun in the air, still sliding backwards even as her feet dug at the ground. Her face split into an impossibly wide grin as she glanced up, adrenaline pumping through her veins. She charged, speeding up into an indiscernible blur. The angle formed five blades of light, a relative sun in the darkness, and sent them flying forwards. It didn't matter. Ash wove through the blades in a hypnotic dance, twisting and bending away from the deadly blades by the thinnest of margins. She accelerated, her spear vanishing from view as she struck out. The three points of her spear screwed it through the chest, lifting it up into the air as it spasmed in its last throes of death. She flicked out her tongue to catch a stream of blood, savouring the taste. Victory always tasted sweet.

I don't like reading or writing super detailed fight scenes, so this probably isn't that good. Regardless, it should get the point across. The first thing I did here was make the angle into an it. Referring to the angle as a 'he' humanizes it, and from what I understand, Ash doesn't see the angle as anything other than something to kill. Secondly, I defined Ash as the hunter, and the angel as the prey, framing their relationship and interactions. This gives the character some more depth, and gives some more context to the fight. Also, there were a few parts of the fight at the end that was confusing, which really made me stretch my imagination.

I hope you don't take this as me bashing you, and if you did, I apologize. I tried to make my criticisms as constructive as I could, but I don't know if there is some sort of procedure for these things.
 
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