Beginning part of the book I'm writing.

[KANdragonart]

My eyes peeled open as the sun trickled through the creme curtains and stabbed my eyes. My head buried deeper into the flat hotel pillow. I did not want to get up yet nor did I want to be on this trip with my foster parents. I tried to relax so I could doze off for at least a few more minutes. Then my eyes flew open. Today was the last day of our trip! Which was being spent on a cruise ship in the bay. I sighed with relief at this realization.

I heard my foster parents begin to stir and tumbled out of bed, the sound of my footsteps was absorbed by the milky white carpet, making my way to the bathroom before they could. I looked back at the tan blanketed beds to see if they were at least still in bed. I wanted some time to myself for a moment. The flicker of the tv against the sky blue walls of the small hotel room faded as I closed the ivory bathroom door. An exhausted sigh escaped me as I locked the door and turned on the lights, illuminating the marble gray bathroom. I turned the faucet to cold and splashed my face in the porcelain sink in the hope of feeling revived. But when I looked into the large mounted mirror the girl who gazed back had tired clover green eyes with dark heavy bags weighing them down. My bright auburn red hair stuck up in every direction in a static, curly, frizzy mess. I shook my head and pat my heavily freckled cheeks to wake myself. I took a deep breath, "I am Kayleigh." I paused afraid of how my name would feel. Afraid that it would feel the same as the day before. "Kayleigh Smith..." This was a habit I had developed when I was little. Every morning and evening, in whatever bathroom I had, looking at my 4'11 curvy figure in the eyes. It had given me the hope that one day, a family's last name would sound like it belonged to me too. But as soon as the last name escaped my lips, as it had for the past 16 years, the puzzle failed to fit. I sighed rubbing my face in frustration. I just wanted- then my thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking on the door.

Mrs. Smith's voice was muffled as she spoke through the door. It was raspy from years of heavy smoking that led to throat cancer. After nearly a decade of fighting it, she was pronounced cancer-free. Since then she had vowed to live to the fullest and help others have an easier life. That was part of the reason why I hoped she and Mr. Smith would be my forever family. They were good people. It was nearly impossible to find that now. But I knew in my gut that they were not my missing puzzle.

(Lemme know what ya'll think!)

 

[KANdragonart]

Updated

My eyes peeled open as I felt the warmth of the sun, stroke my face through the creme curtains of the hotel. Though my head soon buried deep into the flat hotel pillow as the light stabbed my eyes. I did not want to get up yet. I honestly just wanted to be at home with my foster parents. I was quite content sitting in my room, not traveling. They seemed to think since I have been a foster child for nearly 16 years, I should be exploring everything out there. No matter, at least they were kind, I would give almost anything for them to be my forever family. I tried to relax so I could doze off for at least a few more minutes. Then my eyes flew open. Today was the last day of our trip, and we were spending it on a cruise ship in the bay! I sighed with relief at this realization.



I heard my foster parents begin to stir, I lazily tumbled out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I walked to the bathroom before Mrs. Smith could get a hold of it, the sound of my steps absorbed by the milky white carpet. As I reached the bathroom door, I looked back at the tan blanketed beds to see if they were at least still sleeping. I wanted a few minutes to myself. The flicker of the tv against the sky blue walls of the small hotel room faded as I closed the ivory bathroom door. An exhausted sigh escaped me as I locked the door and turned on the lights, illuminating the marble-gray bathroom. I turned the faucet to cold and splashed my face in the porcelain sink in the hope of feeling revived. But when I looked into the large, mounted mirror, the girl who gazed back had tired, clover green eyes with dark heavy bags weighing them down. My bright auburn red hair stuck up in every direction in a static, curly, frizzy mess. I smack my heavily freckled cheeks to wake myself. Preparing myself for disappointment, I inhale deeply. "I am Kayleigh." I paused, afraid of how my name would feel. Fearful that it would feel the same as the day before. "Kayleigh Smith..." It was a habit I had developed when I was little. Every morning and evening, in whatever bathroom I had, looking into my own eyes for something I had never felt before. It had given me the hope that one day, a family's last name would sound like it belonged to me. Alas, as soon as the name left my lips, the puzzle failed to fit. I sighed, rubbing my face in frustration. I had been through so much in my life. So much so, that my maturity level was nearly ten years ahead, making it difficult to make friends, be a regular teenager. I liked being on my own. Although as much as I liked that, I just wanted- then my thoughts were interrupted by someone knocking on the door.



Mrs. Smith's muffled voice spoke through the door. It was raspy from years of heavy smoking that led to throat cancer. After nearly a decade of fighting it, she was pronounced cancer-free. Since then, she had vowed to dedicate her life to helping others. That was part of the reason why I hoped she and Mr. Smith would be my forever family. They were good people. Now, it was nearly impossible to find that in the foster system. But I knew in my gut that they were not my missing puzzle.



"We need to leave in an hour."



"Yes, ma'am." I sighed heavily and began getting myself cleaned up. After a few minutes, I looked into the mirror one last time. I had thrown my hair up in a bun, threw on a loose t-shirt and cargo pants, and covered the bags under my eyes with concealer. Hiding the fact I had not slept well. I honestly couldn't remember a night where I wasn't, ravaged by weird dreams that left me anxious when I woke. Even so, I could never remember the dreams the next morning. I nodded my head in approval and strolled out of the bathroom to pack my things. Unknowing what lay in store for me.



An hour later, we drove out of the parking lot, making our way to the docks in our small Mercedes rental. I slept the whole twenty minutes of the drive, not caring if I missed any sights of the town. My head lifted, groggily, when I felt the car pull to a stop. I rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the blur, and then there she was. She was the most beautiful ship I had ever seen, small for cruise ship standards but beautiful nonetheless. Her white hull looked pure and clean against the bay waters and the sun raining down on her made her windows sparkle like diamonds. I felt something foreign begin to slide across my face and soon realized that for the first time in years, I had a genuine smile. I noticed that my foster parents were looking at me with relief, and I was quick to wipe away my smile, acting as if nothing happened. I looked away shamefully. I knew that I had not shown them much interest in our trip. I resolved that I would make it up to them.



I hopped out of the car, trying to contain my excitement, I walked, but I soon found myself nearly jogging to the loading dock. After a few long minutes, my foster parents appeared next to me in the long line. Mr. Smith put a hand on my shoulder while we waited to give our tickets. He was a short, stocky man, with large calloused hands from construction work. His face looked weathered, and he had smile wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. I shifted from one foot to another in anxiousness. There wasn't much that got me excited, even so, the ocean was one of them, and I just wanted to get on the boat. Finally, a lean man in a white suit came out onto the docks from the ship. As the line filed onto the cruise, people gave the man their tickets. We soon reached the man and gave him our passes.



Once I walked onto the ship, I was filled with wonder. The walls and floors were dark wood and the lights, encased in a beautifully designed glass along the walls. The whiteness of them helped the halls feel bigger. I turned to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, "I'm going to explore if that's alright?" Then I was gone before they could answer. I walked down the halls, feeling the ship rock as it danced farther and farther from shore. As I continued to stroll down a hallway, examining paintings, a light began to flicker next to me. I paid no attention to it at first until I realized that the flickering was a light blue color and then to white. I backtracked and tilted my head, looking up at it. Suddenly, the light in the bulb jumped through the air, in an arc, landing in another lamp. I leaped back, startled. What had I just seen? But then I became intrigued when it did it again. I took a step forward, in doing so, the strange orb jumped from light to light in quick succession, disappearing from view around a corner.



"Wait!" I shouted, giving chase. Maybe it was a game the crew members had made up-but how did the orb look so real? Corner after corner, my feet ran trying to catch up but, the orb of blue light always stayed one corner ahead of me. Then a door was just ahead of me. I skidded to a halt and looked around wildly. It must have gone outside, I thought. I charged toward the light seeping through the door window. Throwing the door open and then- nothing. The ground had vanished below me. There was no balcony, just air. I continued to fall, plummeting toward the water in a mess of somersaults. I saw a bright light flash and then nothingness as I slipped away from the shock of the ocean's freezing kiss.





(Let me know your thoughts please!!)

 

[RaspberryJam]

A really good piece of writing! I like the pacing a lot as you have managed to make each sentence flow really nicely, making me want to read more. The writing structure is a nice mix of longer sentences and shorter sentences, mixed with nice metaphorical elements to add that final touch. I also love the characterization of the main character, I can envision the character very clearly in my head and already relate to their personality. Other characterizations are also intricately crafted with not the typical YA novel cliche where each feature is described with long and overly fancy words, but rather just enough to give and clear picture and move on with the story. This sentence: "My bright auburn red hair stuck up in every direction in a static, curly, frizzy mess. I smack my heavily freckled cheeks to wake myself. Preparing myself for disappointment.", tells me exactly what I need to know about the main characters personality and aesthetic. I find this to be a very successful opening to your book and am very excited to see what happens next!