MysticMallow
Well-Known Member
I know it's a lot to ask for, but if you could give away some of your precious time to read this for me and think of some feedback and comment it down below, it would mean a lot ^-^
A man is sitting in front of the class on his desk with his legs crossed over, he is addressing you and your class peers. You take a look around to see all the details of the classroom and your fellow pupils before looking back to the man in front. He speaks with a joy-filled voice “Hello again! That’s right... again”. His voice shifts to a fed-up groan “I dunno how I dealt with all of you for three years but..” his voice perks up again “it’s finally come to an end!” He stands up quickly holding his hands “To all of the idiots in the room who forgot my name, I’m Mr Winterwood, your combat teacher. You have been in this school for a full three years and to complete your training, we have a quest for you to complete!”
He walks to a blackboard picking up a ruler and starts to use it as a pointer. “Of course you lot chose this school because you want to become a protector of the realm, you all have a weapon that you earned through your entrance exam and the weapon type chose you! You know like...” He begins to speak like Olivander from Harry Potter “The wand chooses the wizard Harry” He pauses for a second before jumping back into action “You following?”. All of the class sit there a bit confused, same as you. Mr Winterwood looks at everyone laughing awkwardly but continuing “So! Now you are ready to go and join a guild and protect the kingdoms you all came from! Or are you?” He smiles looking across the class catching your eyes and he slowly comes closer to you “You will be in a team of three; if your team gets injured too badly to continue” He is now right in front of your face and leans down to bring himself to your level before raising his voice “You’re out!” Lifting himself back up to his original position he smiles at you and continues to speak in a calm voice “And you have to repeat the year” Spinning around once to have his back towards you he starts to walk back to the front of the class “There are three items that must be collected, so you need to find one and bring it back with your team, you need this to graduate. As you can tell looking around this room, it is impossible for you all to graduate and this is where your fighting skills come in.”
Once back at the blackboard he uses his ruler hitting the board full force making it slightly crack “Oh... the school can pay for that... I think...” You all sit there wide-eyed at what you have just seen “Can never be too strong” He laughs awkwardly for the second time “Anyways! This is the area you will be working in” On the board is a well-drawn out forest with... a crack right through the middle “The three items lay hidden somewhere in this forest. You have two weeks to retrieve one. This means you need to use your survival skills as well as your coordination and fighting skills.”
Mr Winterwood walks to his desk again resting his hands on top of it “The rules!” He says in a booming voice before it changes to a happy go lucky sounding tone with a huge smile on his face “Because all fun adventures need some rules for safety!”. His face slowly returns to a serious one, his voice delicate yet stern “You cannot kill anyone! We are a school community, not a murder group... yet. You can use your weapon and or magic. On that note, if someone is no longer physically able to stand. You must stop attacking! Also, as you already know, we don’t want any overpowered brats here! We are NOT in an anime. Finally... that’s it! Yep, stealing a relic from another team is perfectly fine! Now...” He walks round to the front of his desk sitting on it as he did at the beginning of the class and with a huge smile on his face and energetically he says “You have an hour to prepare! Pick your teams!” His face suddenly turns dark and twisted speaking in a monotone voice “Pick wisely... I’ll be counting... 3600, 3599, 3598, 3597....”
Context
This was going to be a roleplay, I posted it on another site and no one was interested, I still like the idea of the story though... So I am thinking of making it into a book instead because it is something I still want to work on. And I have already put hours into it XD no point wasting it now. I have asked two people for feedback, both said it was bad but didn't tell me how I could improve it XD. One saying that the teacher is saying things a person in the real world wouldn't talk like so it's hard to connect with. The other saying the character switches tones too much and it gets confusing to read and understand. If you have any ideas or feedback it would be much appreciated!
Just one more thing to add... if you didn't guess, this teacher is meant to be bad XD. He switches tones dramatically, doesn't care about his job all that much, he is meant to seem intimidating and be a bit overbearing. I'm not sure how well I presented that so comments on that would be great too so I can develop him and improve my writing. Thank you so much if you have read this far! I know I can go on for ages so it means a lot that you have ^-^ I hope you have a good day/night!
