Crim
The blobfish
Hey peeps of STC. Welcome to the second contest voting thread! Thank you to those who entered. I've had gorgeous entries and enjoyed reading them! I look forward to making next months already!
So, onto how this works. Everyone gets one vote. You can change your vote at any time, but the voting is open for 7 days only.
Whoever has the most votes at the end, wins. At the moment there is no prize except knowing that you get that month's title. In the event of a tie, I'll create another thread for the tied parties for a second round of voting!
So, here are this months entries! Good luck everyone!
@Rachel Rider
@Focusedheart
@Citrus18161
So, onto how this works. Everyone gets one vote. You can change your vote at any time, but the voting is open for 7 days only.
Whoever has the most votes at the end, wins. At the moment there is no prize except knowing that you get that month's title. In the event of a tie, I'll create another thread for the tied parties for a second round of voting!
So, here are this months entries! Good luck everyone!
@Rachel Rider
An innocent question (Short Story, Mother):
“Mummy?” A young child sat up from looking at his small wooden horse that he received that day for his birthday. His mother, who was rocking in a chair nearby, knitting a small sweater, looked at him fondly with a smile. “Yes, my child?” She answered, putting down her work. “Why don't I have a Dadda like the Otha kids?” At these words, the mother halted and gazed at a nearby portrait of her and a young man who didn't seem to be all that happy. A pained smile was on her face, very much like the one she wore now. “...I… He… Left us.” She stuttered over the words, not wanting to admit the full truth, but she knew it would only cause more heartache if she told him later. “Why'd he leave? ”, the response was instant, and the innocence of the little boys face pained the woman's heart as she looked bitterly down at the ring she wore. “... He ran off to go find us a grand home.” She looked away, hoping that there would be no more questions. After he didn't answer for a few seconds, she walked away in the direction of her room. But then he asked one more.“When's he coming back?” She stopped short. Her heart raced. Tears filled her eyes as she looked to the ground and shook as she answered. “I don't know.” Her voice cracked as she tried to keep herself together. The boy yawned and walked up to his mother and took her hand. “I'm tired. Can ya sing me to sleep now?” His large eyes looked up into her dark ones which were moistened with tears. “I will.” She nodded, looking down at this boy who had been the only reason she hadn't thrown herself off the nearby cliff for the past five years. He reached up for her to hold him, and she picked him gently up by the waist. Holding him, she rocked him slowly as she walked to his small bedroom. She took a waivering breath in and then sang.
You are mine (Song/Poem, Mother):
I called you up last night.
You said you got into a fight
At the bar, I told you not to go to
I said that I'd see you soon
So now I'm in a waiting room
At the hospital, while the doctors fix you
As you grew up
You started
Taking risks
That I didn't want you to
I don't want
You to get hurt
But I can't always be there for you.
So you can wander,
Far away from me
But I'll check up on you from time to time.
You may get with
Crowds that I don't like
But I'll keep you in line
Cause in the end
Of the day
You are mine.
You asked for a car
You didn't even drive that far
Until you got in an accident
You told me no one else got harmed
But that you had a broken arm
That didn't give me any confidence
I don't want
Wake up and
Bury my baby
But you haven't
Given me
Any Courage lately
If you wander
Far away from me
Promise me you'll be fine
If you get in crowds
That I don't like
Please brightly shine
Remember
In the end
You're still mine
Maybe one day
You go away
I won't be there
Just know I care
When you're alone
Far from your home
Remember my words
May it give you courage
Even after my time
You are mine.
“Mummy?” A young child sat up from looking at his small wooden horse that he received that day for his birthday. His mother, who was rocking in a chair nearby, knitting a small sweater, looked at him fondly with a smile. “Yes, my child?” She answered, putting down her work. “Why don't I have a Dadda like the Otha kids?” At these words, the mother halted and gazed at a nearby portrait of her and a young man who didn't seem to be all that happy. A pained smile was on her face, very much like the one she wore now. “...I… He… Left us.” She stuttered over the words, not wanting to admit the full truth, but she knew it would only cause more heartache if she told him later. “Why'd he leave? ”, the response was instant, and the innocence of the little boys face pained the woman's heart as she looked bitterly down at the ring she wore. “... He ran off to go find us a grand home.” She looked away, hoping that there would be no more questions. After he didn't answer for a few seconds, she walked away in the direction of her room. But then he asked one more.“When's he coming back?” She stopped short. Her heart raced. Tears filled her eyes as she looked to the ground and shook as she answered. “I don't know.” Her voice cracked as she tried to keep herself together. The boy yawned and walked up to his mother and took her hand. “I'm tired. Can ya sing me to sleep now?” His large eyes looked up into her dark ones which were moistened with tears. “I will.” She nodded, looking down at this boy who had been the only reason she hadn't thrown herself off the nearby cliff for the past five years. He reached up for her to hold him, and she picked him gently up by the waist. Holding him, she rocked him slowly as she walked to his small bedroom. She took a waivering breath in and then sang.
You are mine (Song/Poem, Mother):
I called you up last night.
You said you got into a fight
At the bar, I told you not to go to
I said that I'd see you soon
So now I'm in a waiting room
At the hospital, while the doctors fix you
As you grew up
You started
Taking risks
That I didn't want you to
I don't want
You to get hurt
But I can't always be there for you.
So you can wander,
Far away from me
But I'll check up on you from time to time.
You may get with
Crowds that I don't like
But I'll keep you in line
Cause in the end
Of the day
You are mine.
You asked for a car
You didn't even drive that far
Until you got in an accident
You told me no one else got harmed
But that you had a broken arm
That didn't give me any confidence
I don't want
Wake up and
Bury my baby
But you haven't
Given me
Any Courage lately
If you wander
Far away from me
Promise me you'll be fine
If you get in crowds
That I don't like
Please brightly shine
Remember
In the end
You're still mine
Maybe one day
You go away
I won't be there
Just know I care
When you're alone
Far from your home
Remember my words
May it give you courage
Even after my time
You are mine.
@Focusedheart
Lost Memory Revealed/The bond of a mother and daughter.
The room is rather dark as I look around to figure out where I am as I blink away the sleepiness from my eyes. I remember my mommy bringing me to a place that was crowded with people who were coughing and looked really gross; but this room was small and quiet. There are no sick people in here from what I can see. I feel panicky; emotion rushes through me as I search for my mommy. Tears begin to fall from my eyes and stain my pale cheeks. A faint whimpering sound leaves me and soon it turns into my small voice calling for my mommy. I curl up at the head of the bed and huddled there as I stare around me; the tears still fall from my eyes. As I become more upset, my breathing struggles to leave my chest, making me shake a bit more. Then I move to wrap my arms around my legs as I move them to my chest but I stop from moving as I feel something pull on my hand, suddenly forgetting my panic for a moment. When I look, I see a tube-like thing sticking into my skin and held there by tape. My eyes follow the length of the tube to a metal stand that has a bag hanging from it. Mistaking the significance of these things, more tears fall from my eyes as I cry louder for my mommy. My body starts shaking from the rush of fear and loneness that fills my chest like a heavy weight. It seems like hours pass by and soon two people enter the room. They look like doctors; like what my brothers and I had seen on TV. More tears fall; they try to calm me down but I shake my head. They were not my mommy and she was who I wanted. I wanted to be home with her and my annoying brothers.
One doctor says, “She will be fine. We can call her mother in the morning.”
The other doctor,though, refused to leave me like that and picked me up, careful of the tubing. As she rocked me and held me tightly in her arms, I clenched her shirt and burrowed my head in her shoulder as I cried. I could hear them talking, the two doctors.
The one that held me was ordering the other to call my mommy despite the late hours. “She is frightened and needs her mother before she gets too worked up and gets herself worse than she is. Now call her mother.” I find myself suddenly hating the other doctor as he shakes his head and replies
“You are handling her just fine and we can call in the morning. There is no need to start a panic with the mother either.” I feel the arms tighten around me and the heavy sigh from the doctor. She continues to hold me as the other doctor leaves without another sound.
She looks down at me as she gently sets me back down on the bed. “I know you are scared. You are safe here and no one is going to hurt you. Now can you be a brave girl for your mom till we get her here in the morning to see you?” I hesitate to even answer her as I looked up at her. Then slowly I nod. I would be brave like my mommy and daddy. They were fighters. So will I be. I lift my chin up and nod again. This time I can really see the woman. She was tall and kind of round in her waist and her smile makes me want to smile. Her eyes are very blue and her hair is blonde and up in a bun that seems to be loosened from the day. The woman smiles and nods softly. “That’s a good girl. Now let’s get you back into bed and tucked in.” She is very nice to me. She helps me back into the bed and covers me up once more, again, being careful of the tubes. She catches me staring at them and smiles softly. “It's alright. That is helping you to get better. So don’t play with it ok?” I nod again, relaxing now that I know it is not a scary thing really. I look up at her then remembering my mommy’s lessons on manners, I say in my small voice, “Thank you.”
I am happy when I see her smile and she hugs me once more. Then she pulls a remote that was white with three buttons on the front of it, from the side of the bed and gently holds it so I can see the buttons. “If you ever need someone just push this yellow button here.” She points to it for me then she points to a red button. “If it’s ever an emergency hit this button here ok?” I smile and nod. Seeming satisfied with that she gently hugs me again then stands up and leaves the room. I trembled a little as I look around the room again. I sink deeper into my covers and close my eyes. I try to fall asleep, so I will make my mommy and daddy proud of me. Soon I find myself drifting off, relaxing as I fall into a deep sleep.
I don’t know what really wakes me up the next morning, but it is very white in the room as I take it all in. It is very warm in here so I sit up and push the covers away from me, smiling again but it fades as I realize I need to use the potty. I try to get down myself but I can’t with the things that are connecting me to the side of the bed. I begin to squirm around, starting to panic again. Then I remember the remote with the buttons on it. I push the yellow one but no one comes, so I push it some more; a lot more. Tears begin to fall again from my eyes. I try to hold it. I don’t want to make a mess, I want to make my mommy proud of me but I can’t hold it forever and I felt the bed become wet. I cry harder and hold the yellow button. It wasn’t working. No one was coming.
Then I see the doctor from before and my mommy and daddy enter the room. I redden more from my tears and my shame. I let mommy down but she seems angrier at the doctor lady than at me. I don’t understand really what they are talking about but soon I feel my mommy’s arms around me and she is taking me to the bathroom, gently guiding the metal thing with us. “Steve you want to get her bed changed while I clean her up?” That’s my daddy, though he is not my real daddy, he is the replacement for my real one. I don’t tell mommy this but he does a better job than the first one. He smiles to me and winks to me. I calm down a lot. “Sure honey,” he says, and he sets to work with cleaning the bed as my mommy closes the door and gets the bath going.
A few minutes later she is done with washing me up and wraps a white rough towel around me to dry me off. She pulls on a new set of those white clothes over my head and holds my hand. She leads me from the bathroom with the metal thing but before she opens the door she leans down and hugs me tightly. “I love you.” I hug her back as tight as I could and smile “I love you too mommy.”
She opens the door gently and helps me to get out of the small bathroom. I smile happily as I see my daddy sitting in one of the chairs. The bed is already made with new and clean sheets and blankets on them.
Daddy smiles warmly to me and opens his thick arms, his voice deep and thick with his Texas accent. “Come here, baby girl.”
I giggle and move quickly to him; as quickly as I could with the metal thing at my side, wrapping my arms around his neck as he gently lifts me up and holds me tightly against his big chest. “Missed you hunny,” he murmurs softly, gently stroking my hair as he rocks me. My eyes close and I rest my head on his chest, starting to feel sleepy.
My mommy smiles warmly and sits down on the now clean bed. I hear her sigh before she starts talking to my daddy. “I’m going to stay here with her tonight. Just to keep an eye on her.”
Steve smiles softly as he continues to hold me, “I had a feeling you would want to. I can look after the boys. I’ll get you some stuff and come back with it later.”
My mommy nods, “Thank you.” She watches the two of us for a while. Steve can see the concern in her eyes for her only little girl. He knows how much she needed to be there with her. He gently moves to her and puts me in my mommy’s arms. She wraps them tightly around me and kisses my head softly. “What’s wrong with her Steve? Why can’t they figure it out?”
Daddy shakes his head and touches her arm gently, kissing her forehead. “I don’t know babe, but they will figure it out. She is strong just like her mother. She’ll be alright. I promise you that. Now I’m going to go pick the boys up from school and then go to the house and get you a few things. I’ll be back right after. Is there anything specific that you want?”
She shakes her head softly “Just a change of clothes and my toiletries for now.” She smiles again to him. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. You know that.” He touches my head gently then slips out of the room with very quiet steps.
My mommy just sits there holding me for a while. I feel very warm and happy she is there but I feel bad too. I am making her upset. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t know how to stop it. I have to do what daddy had said. I need to be strong. I nuzzle gently to my mommy, starting to fall asleep again but as my eyes start to close a short and round nurse comes in with a brown tray. I watch her curiously, tilting my head even as I tried to get a look at what she might have on that tray.
My mommy smiles and gently repositions me so I was sitting on the bed with her at my side. The nurse places the tray on the bed in front of me. “Here you go little one. Time to eat up.” She soon reveals the food that had been covered. I make a face at the smell that reached me. I wanted to say yuk but I kept silent as my mommy thanks the nurse. The lady soon leaving.
I stare at the food, then look up at my mommy. “It’s not your cooking, or daddy’s cooking.” She smiles, laughing a little at my words. Then began the relentless process of her trying to get me to eat the disgusting food that tasted worse than it smelled. I know because I did try a bite of everything but it was horrible. Mommy tried to make the spoon into a plane and fly it into my mouth but I said “No fly zone!” and ducked away. We do this for a while till my mommy just gives up on the taste and picks up the orange that is on the tray.
She cuts it up for me, leaving the peeling on it. She hands me a big piece of it and says “Now at least eat that.”
I pout a little then nods “Ok.” I take the slice happily and start to nibble on it. The juices are dripping down my chin a little as I continued to eat. My mommy smiles and wipes at the mess. I continue to eat the rest of the orange till it was all gone but I want more. I look up at my mommy, almost pouting again.
She smiles and nods softly “I will get you more. You need to eat other things though.”
I nod and smile happily “I will.”
Daddy returned just as he had said he would. He is carrying a bag for mommy. He ruffles my hair up as he walks past me and sets it down by the guest chair. “Hey baby girl. Are you going to behave for your mom tonight?”
I smile happily and nod quickly to him “I always behave. I’m a big girl.”
He chuckles softly and hugs me tightly “Alright then. You both be good.” He looks to my mommy and hugs her tightly as well “I’ll see you both tomorrow after I take care of the boys and I’ll see about doing some more unpacking as well. Try and get some sleep tonight.”
My mommy nods and hugs him back “Don’t push yourself too hard and I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She watches as he leaves the room again. She sighs and sits down in the chair by the bed.
The same nurse from before soon comes in again. This time she didn’t have that horrible food, she had oranges. They are all sliced up too. I smile happily and take one before she could even put the bowl down beside me.
“Thank you,” I say excitedly as I begin to eat the oranges, forgetting that the nurse was still there and talking with my mommy about why I was there. I let them talk as adults do and just finished with my oranges. I start to feel sleepy, though, and crawl into my mommy’s lap, curling up gently there. My mommy gently holds me as the nurse leaves and lets us be. I soon fall asleep.
It is really dark in the room when I wake up again. I look around but relax instantly as I see my mommy is holding me in her arms. I look around and catch sight of an orange in the bowl. Feeling really hungry, I start to reach for it. Excited and happy when I get it from the bowl without waking my mommy, I start to eat it but I didn’t want to make a mess so I stick the entire slice into my mouth, sucking on the peel softly. Then the door to the room opens as a nurse peeks her head in to do a check and make sure everything was alright.
She tries to keep herself from laughing loudly as I smile suddenly at her, forgetting that I had the orange in my mouth. When I grinned I had a huge orange smile. She shakes her head softly at me and whispers “Go back to sleep little one. You need your rest.” I smile again and nod my head to her. Soon I drift off once more into a content sleep.
The following morning seems rather warm in the room and the sun was blazing through the window even with the shades closed down to keep it out. My mom is up and moving around. The air was filled with her hushed voice and the hushed voices of another who is within the room.
“She has never been allergic to anything. At least she has never reacted before to anything. We watch her carefully. She didn’t get into something.” My mom speaks quietly but in a rush.
“It says in the report that you and your husband just moved down here from Massachusetts. Was she stressed at all during the trip down here? Georgia is completely different from the north.” The doctor replies just as quietly, trying to place a form of calm as they seek an answer.
“She slept most of the time. We drove down here and she always falls asleep on car rides.” She sighs and rubs her head, feeling exhausted from the strain and stress this was causing and also from her worry and concern. “Natasha got an occasionally ear infection when she was younger but she is five now. She rarely ever gets them now.”
The doctor scribbles down a few notes as he hears this, thinking carefully as he goes over things he had learned from his college and med school days. He looks to my mother. “Please understand, Mrs. Peyton, we are doing everything we can to find out what is wrong with your daughter. We will figure it out. We can promise you that.” He then turns and leaves the room.
My mom sits down once more in the chair that was beside the bed. She had put me on the bed and tucked me in beneath the blankets. She reaches out gently and brushes some strands of hair from my face. Soon daddy walks into the room smiling warmly to his two girls.
“Hey babe. I saw the doctor in the hall. Get any news from him?” He asks softly as he walks over to my mom, gently hugging her tightly in his arms.
“They can’t figure out what is wrong with her. They think it is because of the move and nothing else,” she says with a sigh.
Steve tightens his arms around her gently “They will figure it out love. If it is just that she is stressed then we can just help her out. She is probably just having a hard time with the fact that she was at one place she called home and now she is being told to call this place home.”
“Yes I guess you are right…” she murmurs a little to him, resting her head upon his chest gently.
“It’s been a week anyway. If they can’t find anything out then we can take her home tonight and just keep an eye on her. She probably would like to get out of here anyway. I know I would after tasting that food.” He makes a face.
My mom swats at him. “Oh just behave. Don’t be giving her any ideas about things. You are such a trouble maker.”
Steve smirks “Me a trouble maker. Now…I’m not a trouble maker.” He smiles and hugs her again then looks to my sleeping form. “See she looks fine right now. I don’t see anything wrong with her.”
It took a few more minutes for my daddy to convince my mommy of this and for him to talk her into taking me home. He even goes so far as to say my brothers are missing me and wants me back home. After a moment, though, she is convinced and agreed almost easily with him, but it took them another two hours more to actually get the hospital to let them take me home.
I curled up in my daddy’s arms as they soon carried me through the door of our small Georgia home.
Things seem to fade away after that as most memories do for me.
“Was it really that serious?” I asked my mom curiously as she gave me the details to my first long term experience with a hospital.
“Well, you had been sweating a lot in your sleep and then waking up crying, so I wanted to be safe , rather than sorry,” my mom answers as she finishes with some of the bills she was tending to. She is tall and slender as I am but she always complained she was getting a belly. She looks great though for being forty six years old. Her short dark brunette hair matches great with her softly tanned skin. It makes me hope that when I get to her age I will look at least as good as her, if I’m lucky.
“The nurses and doctors loved you…” she trails off as she recalls the memory herself. Another thing I envy of her. Memory. I have such a poor one but it hasn’t really stopped me from continuing with trying to recall a past that escapes me.
I sigh softly and nudge at her arm to get her out of the trance of her own thoughts so as I could get more answers from her. “So…How long was I there for?”
“You were there for about a week.” She says quietly as she focuses suddenly more on the task that she was doing. Organizing papers, it is something she always does. She is good about being controlled. She is also good at knowing what was coming next and seems to tense with that knowledge.
“So….why was I there? Did they ever figure it out?” I ask curiously, watching her expression carefully. I was eighteen and very good at figuring out when she was lying to me about something but this time, she was very careful.
“They didn’t know. We had just moved and you were young. That’s all.” She shrugs it off as she usually does but I tried again. I wanted to know.
“Mom, please tell me.”
“Tasha just drop it. You are fine now. So stop asking about it.” She snaps sharply at me. She looks at me as if I am in the wrong for picking and asking questions.
I stare at her for a moment, feeling completely torn and unable to face the fact that she is keeping me from something that I have every right to know. Stubbornly I get up from the couch and left the room.
I sit at my desk within the small dorm room, staring emptily at the wall as I contemplate what I was going to do. More actually, what I was going to say. I wanted to be sneaky. Get her off her guard so she would divulge the information and not know she had done it till it was too late to take it all back. Taking a deep breath, I pick up my purple cell phone and search through my contacts, finding the one that I seek. I hesitate a little, wondering if a fight would develop again by my interrogation but I force the sensation aside. I have every right to know what had happened. I hit the green button to send out the call. I wait quietly for an answer but soon start to fidget slightly in my chair.
“Hello?” my mother’s voice sounds through the phone. She seems already annoyed about something.
“Hey, mom. It’s Tasha.” I say hesitantly.
“Oh hey hunny. How are you doing? How is school going?” Her voice was suddenly changing to a soft and warming sound.
“School is going really good. I’m alright. A bit tired from everything but other than that I’m alright. How about you?”
“Exhausted as usual but I’m surviving.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“That’s good to hear. Ummmm, I’m doing a project for one of my classes. I need your help though with it. In order to even consider getting a good grade, I need to be accurate in what I do and everything that is stated in it. So I need your help because I can’t remember what happened.”
I could hear my mother sigh on the other end as if expecting what I was going to ask next. “Tasha….”
But this time I cut her off. I wasn’t going to give up anymore. I wanted to know and now that my grades were in danger because of my lack of memory and her unwillingness to give the information, I had to know. I needed to know this time.
“Mom, my grade depends upon having accurate knowledge in this and I can only have that with your help. I need to keep good grades and you know I have a passion for writing. I need your help with this one. Please just tell me what happened when I was in that hospital and everything that had happened. If anything, tell me so I shall get a good grade.” The words left me with a rush. I felt I had a right to know and now I could only wait for her reply. It was shame I could not do this face to face with her and not over a phone.
My mom sighs heavily, seeming more tired than before now. “Fine. You were in the hospital for a week. You were sweating at night and woke up crying. We had just moved down to Georgia and you were five years old. The doctors were still not sure of why you were getting sick but they think it was a problem with the change in weather and the different location. Plus you always sleep with so many blankets that you end up over heating anyways so they wrote it off.”
As she spoke I quickly began to take notes about what she was saying. I blink a bit as I look at the notes. “Wait….they never really figured it out? What did you do? You normally stick it to them if they don’t do their job.”
“Yes normally I would but with this, here really was nothing to do. So I just let it drop and took care of you and your brothers. Steve took care of us from there until the divorce.” She sighs once more “Okay so now you know. It wasn’t really anything. Okay? You were just sick.”
“Okay…Thank you for telling me ,mom, but what I don’t understand still is why you didn’t want to tell me in the first place.”
“I am your mother. Being unable to protect you and keep you healthy made me feel really helpless and to have to even talk about it is troubling.” Her voice was heavy with her grief over the situation.
“I’m ….sorry mom.” I murmur quietly, closing my eyes, resting my head upon the desk as I hold the phone to my ear listening to her quietly.
“It’s alright hun. I know you should be allowed to know what you went through as a child. Now I need to go. Sashi is getting into trouble again with the cats. I’ll talk to you later Okay?”
“Alright mom. I’ll talk to you later. Give that trouble making dog a hug for me. Love you mom.” After we say goodbye, I hang up the phone. I felt really happy that I knew now but sort of depressed in a form because of what she had gone through.
I stare at the notes for a moment longer then start up my laptop and after it loads up, I open the word document and begin to make adjustments to the already existing work that needed further improving.
The room is rather dark as I look around to figure out where I am as I blink away the sleepiness from my eyes. I remember my mommy bringing me to a place that was crowded with people who were coughing and looked really gross; but this room was small and quiet. There are no sick people in here from what I can see. I feel panicky; emotion rushes through me as I search for my mommy. Tears begin to fall from my eyes and stain my pale cheeks. A faint whimpering sound leaves me and soon it turns into my small voice calling for my mommy. I curl up at the head of the bed and huddled there as I stare around me; the tears still fall from my eyes. As I become more upset, my breathing struggles to leave my chest, making me shake a bit more. Then I move to wrap my arms around my legs as I move them to my chest but I stop from moving as I feel something pull on my hand, suddenly forgetting my panic for a moment. When I look, I see a tube-like thing sticking into my skin and held there by tape. My eyes follow the length of the tube to a metal stand that has a bag hanging from it. Mistaking the significance of these things, more tears fall from my eyes as I cry louder for my mommy. My body starts shaking from the rush of fear and loneness that fills my chest like a heavy weight. It seems like hours pass by and soon two people enter the room. They look like doctors; like what my brothers and I had seen on TV. More tears fall; they try to calm me down but I shake my head. They were not my mommy and she was who I wanted. I wanted to be home with her and my annoying brothers.
One doctor says, “She will be fine. We can call her mother in the morning.”
The other doctor,though, refused to leave me like that and picked me up, careful of the tubing. As she rocked me and held me tightly in her arms, I clenched her shirt and burrowed my head in her shoulder as I cried. I could hear them talking, the two doctors.
The one that held me was ordering the other to call my mommy despite the late hours. “She is frightened and needs her mother before she gets too worked up and gets herself worse than she is. Now call her mother.” I find myself suddenly hating the other doctor as he shakes his head and replies
“You are handling her just fine and we can call in the morning. There is no need to start a panic with the mother either.” I feel the arms tighten around me and the heavy sigh from the doctor. She continues to hold me as the other doctor leaves without another sound.
She looks down at me as she gently sets me back down on the bed. “I know you are scared. You are safe here and no one is going to hurt you. Now can you be a brave girl for your mom till we get her here in the morning to see you?” I hesitate to even answer her as I looked up at her. Then slowly I nod. I would be brave like my mommy and daddy. They were fighters. So will I be. I lift my chin up and nod again. This time I can really see the woman. She was tall and kind of round in her waist and her smile makes me want to smile. Her eyes are very blue and her hair is blonde and up in a bun that seems to be loosened from the day. The woman smiles and nods softly. “That’s a good girl. Now let’s get you back into bed and tucked in.” She is very nice to me. She helps me back into the bed and covers me up once more, again, being careful of the tubes. She catches me staring at them and smiles softly. “It's alright. That is helping you to get better. So don’t play with it ok?” I nod again, relaxing now that I know it is not a scary thing really. I look up at her then remembering my mommy’s lessons on manners, I say in my small voice, “Thank you.”
I am happy when I see her smile and she hugs me once more. Then she pulls a remote that was white with three buttons on the front of it, from the side of the bed and gently holds it so I can see the buttons. “If you ever need someone just push this yellow button here.” She points to it for me then she points to a red button. “If it’s ever an emergency hit this button here ok?” I smile and nod. Seeming satisfied with that she gently hugs me again then stands up and leaves the room. I trembled a little as I look around the room again. I sink deeper into my covers and close my eyes. I try to fall asleep, so I will make my mommy and daddy proud of me. Soon I find myself drifting off, relaxing as I fall into a deep sleep.
I don’t know what really wakes me up the next morning, but it is very white in the room as I take it all in. It is very warm in here so I sit up and push the covers away from me, smiling again but it fades as I realize I need to use the potty. I try to get down myself but I can’t with the things that are connecting me to the side of the bed. I begin to squirm around, starting to panic again. Then I remember the remote with the buttons on it. I push the yellow one but no one comes, so I push it some more; a lot more. Tears begin to fall again from my eyes. I try to hold it. I don’t want to make a mess, I want to make my mommy proud of me but I can’t hold it forever and I felt the bed become wet. I cry harder and hold the yellow button. It wasn’t working. No one was coming.
Then I see the doctor from before and my mommy and daddy enter the room. I redden more from my tears and my shame. I let mommy down but she seems angrier at the doctor lady than at me. I don’t understand really what they are talking about but soon I feel my mommy’s arms around me and she is taking me to the bathroom, gently guiding the metal thing with us. “Steve you want to get her bed changed while I clean her up?” That’s my daddy, though he is not my real daddy, he is the replacement for my real one. I don’t tell mommy this but he does a better job than the first one. He smiles to me and winks to me. I calm down a lot. “Sure honey,” he says, and he sets to work with cleaning the bed as my mommy closes the door and gets the bath going.
A few minutes later she is done with washing me up and wraps a white rough towel around me to dry me off. She pulls on a new set of those white clothes over my head and holds my hand. She leads me from the bathroom with the metal thing but before she opens the door she leans down and hugs me tightly. “I love you.” I hug her back as tight as I could and smile “I love you too mommy.”
She opens the door gently and helps me to get out of the small bathroom. I smile happily as I see my daddy sitting in one of the chairs. The bed is already made with new and clean sheets and blankets on them.
Daddy smiles warmly to me and opens his thick arms, his voice deep and thick with his Texas accent. “Come here, baby girl.”
I giggle and move quickly to him; as quickly as I could with the metal thing at my side, wrapping my arms around his neck as he gently lifts me up and holds me tightly against his big chest. “Missed you hunny,” he murmurs softly, gently stroking my hair as he rocks me. My eyes close and I rest my head on his chest, starting to feel sleepy.
My mommy smiles warmly and sits down on the now clean bed. I hear her sigh before she starts talking to my daddy. “I’m going to stay here with her tonight. Just to keep an eye on her.”
Steve smiles softly as he continues to hold me, “I had a feeling you would want to. I can look after the boys. I’ll get you some stuff and come back with it later.”
My mommy nods, “Thank you.” She watches the two of us for a while. Steve can see the concern in her eyes for her only little girl. He knows how much she needed to be there with her. He gently moves to her and puts me in my mommy’s arms. She wraps them tightly around me and kisses my head softly. “What’s wrong with her Steve? Why can’t they figure it out?”
Daddy shakes his head and touches her arm gently, kissing her forehead. “I don’t know babe, but they will figure it out. She is strong just like her mother. She’ll be alright. I promise you that. Now I’m going to go pick the boys up from school and then go to the house and get you a few things. I’ll be back right after. Is there anything specific that you want?”
She shakes her head softly “Just a change of clothes and my toiletries for now.” She smiles again to him. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. You know that.” He touches my head gently then slips out of the room with very quiet steps.
My mommy just sits there holding me for a while. I feel very warm and happy she is there but I feel bad too. I am making her upset. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t know how to stop it. I have to do what daddy had said. I need to be strong. I nuzzle gently to my mommy, starting to fall asleep again but as my eyes start to close a short and round nurse comes in with a brown tray. I watch her curiously, tilting my head even as I tried to get a look at what she might have on that tray.
My mommy smiles and gently repositions me so I was sitting on the bed with her at my side. The nurse places the tray on the bed in front of me. “Here you go little one. Time to eat up.” She soon reveals the food that had been covered. I make a face at the smell that reached me. I wanted to say yuk but I kept silent as my mommy thanks the nurse. The lady soon leaving.
I stare at the food, then look up at my mommy. “It’s not your cooking, or daddy’s cooking.” She smiles, laughing a little at my words. Then began the relentless process of her trying to get me to eat the disgusting food that tasted worse than it smelled. I know because I did try a bite of everything but it was horrible. Mommy tried to make the spoon into a plane and fly it into my mouth but I said “No fly zone!” and ducked away. We do this for a while till my mommy just gives up on the taste and picks up the orange that is on the tray.
She cuts it up for me, leaving the peeling on it. She hands me a big piece of it and says “Now at least eat that.”
I pout a little then nods “Ok.” I take the slice happily and start to nibble on it. The juices are dripping down my chin a little as I continued to eat. My mommy smiles and wipes at the mess. I continue to eat the rest of the orange till it was all gone but I want more. I look up at my mommy, almost pouting again.
She smiles and nods softly “I will get you more. You need to eat other things though.”
I nod and smile happily “I will.”
Daddy returned just as he had said he would. He is carrying a bag for mommy. He ruffles my hair up as he walks past me and sets it down by the guest chair. “Hey baby girl. Are you going to behave for your mom tonight?”
I smile happily and nod quickly to him “I always behave. I’m a big girl.”
He chuckles softly and hugs me tightly “Alright then. You both be good.” He looks to my mommy and hugs her tightly as well “I’ll see you both tomorrow after I take care of the boys and I’ll see about doing some more unpacking as well. Try and get some sleep tonight.”
My mommy nods and hugs him back “Don’t push yourself too hard and I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She watches as he leaves the room again. She sighs and sits down in the chair by the bed.
The same nurse from before soon comes in again. This time she didn’t have that horrible food, she had oranges. They are all sliced up too. I smile happily and take one before she could even put the bowl down beside me.
“Thank you,” I say excitedly as I begin to eat the oranges, forgetting that the nurse was still there and talking with my mommy about why I was there. I let them talk as adults do and just finished with my oranges. I start to feel sleepy, though, and crawl into my mommy’s lap, curling up gently there. My mommy gently holds me as the nurse leaves and lets us be. I soon fall asleep.
It is really dark in the room when I wake up again. I look around but relax instantly as I see my mommy is holding me in her arms. I look around and catch sight of an orange in the bowl. Feeling really hungry, I start to reach for it. Excited and happy when I get it from the bowl without waking my mommy, I start to eat it but I didn’t want to make a mess so I stick the entire slice into my mouth, sucking on the peel softly. Then the door to the room opens as a nurse peeks her head in to do a check and make sure everything was alright.
She tries to keep herself from laughing loudly as I smile suddenly at her, forgetting that I had the orange in my mouth. When I grinned I had a huge orange smile. She shakes her head softly at me and whispers “Go back to sleep little one. You need your rest.” I smile again and nod my head to her. Soon I drift off once more into a content sleep.
The following morning seems rather warm in the room and the sun was blazing through the window even with the shades closed down to keep it out. My mom is up and moving around. The air was filled with her hushed voice and the hushed voices of another who is within the room.
“She has never been allergic to anything. At least she has never reacted before to anything. We watch her carefully. She didn’t get into something.” My mom speaks quietly but in a rush.
“It says in the report that you and your husband just moved down here from Massachusetts. Was she stressed at all during the trip down here? Georgia is completely different from the north.” The doctor replies just as quietly, trying to place a form of calm as they seek an answer.
“She slept most of the time. We drove down here and she always falls asleep on car rides.” She sighs and rubs her head, feeling exhausted from the strain and stress this was causing and also from her worry and concern. “Natasha got an occasionally ear infection when she was younger but she is five now. She rarely ever gets them now.”
The doctor scribbles down a few notes as he hears this, thinking carefully as he goes over things he had learned from his college and med school days. He looks to my mother. “Please understand, Mrs. Peyton, we are doing everything we can to find out what is wrong with your daughter. We will figure it out. We can promise you that.” He then turns and leaves the room.
My mom sits down once more in the chair that was beside the bed. She had put me on the bed and tucked me in beneath the blankets. She reaches out gently and brushes some strands of hair from my face. Soon daddy walks into the room smiling warmly to his two girls.
“Hey babe. I saw the doctor in the hall. Get any news from him?” He asks softly as he walks over to my mom, gently hugging her tightly in his arms.
“They can’t figure out what is wrong with her. They think it is because of the move and nothing else,” she says with a sigh.
Steve tightens his arms around her gently “They will figure it out love. If it is just that she is stressed then we can just help her out. She is probably just having a hard time with the fact that she was at one place she called home and now she is being told to call this place home.”
“Yes I guess you are right…” she murmurs a little to him, resting her head upon his chest gently.
“It’s been a week anyway. If they can’t find anything out then we can take her home tonight and just keep an eye on her. She probably would like to get out of here anyway. I know I would after tasting that food.” He makes a face.
My mom swats at him. “Oh just behave. Don’t be giving her any ideas about things. You are such a trouble maker.”
Steve smirks “Me a trouble maker. Now…I’m not a trouble maker.” He smiles and hugs her again then looks to my sleeping form. “See she looks fine right now. I don’t see anything wrong with her.”
It took a few more minutes for my daddy to convince my mommy of this and for him to talk her into taking me home. He even goes so far as to say my brothers are missing me and wants me back home. After a moment, though, she is convinced and agreed almost easily with him, but it took them another two hours more to actually get the hospital to let them take me home.
I curled up in my daddy’s arms as they soon carried me through the door of our small Georgia home.
Things seem to fade away after that as most memories do for me.
“Was it really that serious?” I asked my mom curiously as she gave me the details to my first long term experience with a hospital.
“Well, you had been sweating a lot in your sleep and then waking up crying, so I wanted to be safe , rather than sorry,” my mom answers as she finishes with some of the bills she was tending to. She is tall and slender as I am but she always complained she was getting a belly. She looks great though for being forty six years old. Her short dark brunette hair matches great with her softly tanned skin. It makes me hope that when I get to her age I will look at least as good as her, if I’m lucky.
“The nurses and doctors loved you…” she trails off as she recalls the memory herself. Another thing I envy of her. Memory. I have such a poor one but it hasn’t really stopped me from continuing with trying to recall a past that escapes me.
I sigh softly and nudge at her arm to get her out of the trance of her own thoughts so as I could get more answers from her. “So…How long was I there for?”
“You were there for about a week.” She says quietly as she focuses suddenly more on the task that she was doing. Organizing papers, it is something she always does. She is good about being controlled. She is also good at knowing what was coming next and seems to tense with that knowledge.
“So….why was I there? Did they ever figure it out?” I ask curiously, watching her expression carefully. I was eighteen and very good at figuring out when she was lying to me about something but this time, she was very careful.
“They didn’t know. We had just moved and you were young. That’s all.” She shrugs it off as she usually does but I tried again. I wanted to know.
“Mom, please tell me.”
“Tasha just drop it. You are fine now. So stop asking about it.” She snaps sharply at me. She looks at me as if I am in the wrong for picking and asking questions.
I stare at her for a moment, feeling completely torn and unable to face the fact that she is keeping me from something that I have every right to know. Stubbornly I get up from the couch and left the room.
I sit at my desk within the small dorm room, staring emptily at the wall as I contemplate what I was going to do. More actually, what I was going to say. I wanted to be sneaky. Get her off her guard so she would divulge the information and not know she had done it till it was too late to take it all back. Taking a deep breath, I pick up my purple cell phone and search through my contacts, finding the one that I seek. I hesitate a little, wondering if a fight would develop again by my interrogation but I force the sensation aside. I have every right to know what had happened. I hit the green button to send out the call. I wait quietly for an answer but soon start to fidget slightly in my chair.
“Hello?” my mother’s voice sounds through the phone. She seems already annoyed about something.
“Hey, mom. It’s Tasha.” I say hesitantly.
“Oh hey hunny. How are you doing? How is school going?” Her voice was suddenly changing to a soft and warming sound.
“School is going really good. I’m alright. A bit tired from everything but other than that I’m alright. How about you?”
“Exhausted as usual but I’m surviving.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“That’s good to hear. Ummmm, I’m doing a project for one of my classes. I need your help though with it. In order to even consider getting a good grade, I need to be accurate in what I do and everything that is stated in it. So I need your help because I can’t remember what happened.”
I could hear my mother sigh on the other end as if expecting what I was going to ask next. “Tasha….”
But this time I cut her off. I wasn’t going to give up anymore. I wanted to know and now that my grades were in danger because of my lack of memory and her unwillingness to give the information, I had to know. I needed to know this time.
“Mom, my grade depends upon having accurate knowledge in this and I can only have that with your help. I need to keep good grades and you know I have a passion for writing. I need your help with this one. Please just tell me what happened when I was in that hospital and everything that had happened. If anything, tell me so I shall get a good grade.” The words left me with a rush. I felt I had a right to know and now I could only wait for her reply. It was shame I could not do this face to face with her and not over a phone.
My mom sighs heavily, seeming more tired than before now. “Fine. You were in the hospital for a week. You were sweating at night and woke up crying. We had just moved down to Georgia and you were five years old. The doctors were still not sure of why you were getting sick but they think it was a problem with the change in weather and the different location. Plus you always sleep with so many blankets that you end up over heating anyways so they wrote it off.”
As she spoke I quickly began to take notes about what she was saying. I blink a bit as I look at the notes. “Wait….they never really figured it out? What did you do? You normally stick it to them if they don’t do their job.”
“Yes normally I would but with this, here really was nothing to do. So I just let it drop and took care of you and your brothers. Steve took care of us from there until the divorce.” She sighs once more “Okay so now you know. It wasn’t really anything. Okay? You were just sick.”
“Okay…Thank you for telling me ,mom, but what I don’t understand still is why you didn’t want to tell me in the first place.”
“I am your mother. Being unable to protect you and keep you healthy made me feel really helpless and to have to even talk about it is troubling.” Her voice was heavy with her grief over the situation.
“I’m ….sorry mom.” I murmur quietly, closing my eyes, resting my head upon the desk as I hold the phone to my ear listening to her quietly.
“It’s alright hun. I know you should be allowed to know what you went through as a child. Now I need to go. Sashi is getting into trouble again with the cats. I’ll talk to you later Okay?”
“Alright mom. I’ll talk to you later. Give that trouble making dog a hug for me. Love you mom.” After we say goodbye, I hang up the phone. I felt really happy that I knew now but sort of depressed in a form because of what she had gone through.
I stare at the notes for a moment longer then start up my laptop and after it loads up, I open the word document and begin to make adjustments to the already existing work that needed further improving.
@Citrus18161
August 23 2013---
Journal Note By Leo Breshuni
The week I lost her, my mother, I spent no time bawling, lurking in the shadows of my house, sliding along the floors and emotionally breaking into pieces of dust-no instead, I had done what she would have wanted me to do, definitely her choice. It was all pain and agony after I was born, I was a constant irritation, a parasite- monster, you had to deal with in the long run. I knew it from the get go, always telling myself I would behave next time, but when it came to times I hadn’t gotten my own way, my own choice,, I never truly behaved, I would shout, scream, yell-I was practically a monster, and I could never admit it before she died. I was pathetic, lazy and short tempered, and I was such a cow when it came to times of what she wanted too. , For all her support, her kindness, what she had done for me, truly, I unintentionally became a half witted brat,The day she died, December 14’th, 2007, I was 12, playing at a sleepover with a few of my friends. Before that day, I had been in an argument with her, again. We were like male lions over territory, snapping and roaring at each other, leaving my father and younger brother to their bleeding ears in the kitchen. We had been shouting so much, the whole street probably heard my conceited, and obnoxious hollers. I picked up my phone to call her the day after, my hands almost shaking I was too embarrassed to call. Even though I resisted, I called anyways, it was the polite thing to do, yet, at the same time I needed someone to pick my skinny butt up. Standing in my friend’s driveway, calling her numerous times, without any answers, or responses over text even, I knew something had gone wrong, something was up, and I needed to find out why I was neglected, I was jealous if she would pay attention to anyone else, I was attention hogging and loud if she even thought of someone who wasn’t me. This fear, this feeling I grasped, it blew me to my bicycle, literally, and out the door to snag her.. Every time we had an argument, at least a day later or two, we’d bawl together, forgetting the past, knowing though, that the future would be exactly the same. I was racing on my bike, hurrying, I remember almost getting hit by a truck on the way back. I was skidding around the corner, hurrying up, I knew that my actions were such an exaggeration, but when I arrived, I did find something, something so horrifying my legs stopped suddenly, the bike just rolling on its own. There, on my lawn lay my mother's deranged body, arms and legs sprawled, laying across the dirt in front of our house. People began gathering when I yelled out for her, I looked up at the sky asking for answers, what had gone so wrong? Then I knew, no one had physically done this to her. No one had pushed her, thrown her, hit her-mentally, she wasn’t capable of bearing me… me. Crowds began forming now, everyone blown away by her fall, she had had leapt off the balcony, off the roof most likely, hitting the ground and breaking her neck directly into a snap. I fell to the floor beneath her, on my hands and knees, the tears welling up in my eyes, and suddenly, I pushed away, and staggered up the stairs to my room. Everything was darker now, my entire life had crumbled before me, her blood stained across my shirt from holding her, my mouth ready to break and crumble, my heart aching, spilling out as the locks and cracks fell into my stomach like glass- ,. But there it was, the moment I had been so lenient of, the blip I had been wondering about for so long, was this, and this was no blip, this was more than high school drama and it was my fault, my misbehavior that killed her, I am a murderer… The next week, I laid in bed, I could not move, I was so rigid, so stiff, resisting the urge to cry, and weep-my hands being thrown around as I screamed and yelled out for her- strangely, this was nothing of what I did, instead, I went outside, and watched a tree for at least two hours, I sat there, the breeze barely blowing my auburn ponytail. I laid down, then, resting my head along the grass as if listening to it’s heartbeat, when suddenly the fun arose as I giggled and laughed, Molly, my chocolate Labrador, my only Labrador, my only dog, and now, the only company I would honestly ever get, was licking my face, so unaware of what had been happening, and she knew that my tickle spot was by my right armpit. That was it, the fun of the day, we had ran along the grass, the grass my mother fell on, the mother I should have loved more. . After this day, I had learned my lesson, the grief couldn’t stay put for long, now could it? I accepted it, I accepted her death and learned to control myself, I thought community, not self, I thought right, and not wrong, I thought differently, I thought by changing the rest of my story, myself, I could become a better person, a better human being. My mother, I feel awful for letting her go, for letting myself let go, losing control and do the things I knew were out of order, and childish, and for everything that she had done, what she had done for me, our family, the money she earned and spent for our presents, clothes, almost as if she earned it, to set it all on fire-s he loved us, and she showed it, she tried so hard to perfect and fill our lives but what could I do now? Me? What could I do for her now? This was more than a lesson, it was torture, what I must have then put her through the screaming, the talk back, the attitude, the put downs, I was basically evil. I can do what she has always wanted, become the better person I always should have been, it’s the past now, it all began with pain, and it all stopped because of it, and now, never would I have known before, that pain, was how it began, and pain, is how it all ceased to exist.
Journal Note By Leo Breshuni
The week I lost her, my mother, I spent no time bawling, lurking in the shadows of my house, sliding along the floors and emotionally breaking into pieces of dust-no instead, I had done what she would have wanted me to do, definitely her choice. It was all pain and agony after I was born, I was a constant irritation, a parasite- monster, you had to deal with in the long run. I knew it from the get go, always telling myself I would behave next time, but when it came to times I hadn’t gotten my own way, my own choice,, I never truly behaved, I would shout, scream, yell-I was practically a monster, and I could never admit it before she died. I was pathetic, lazy and short tempered, and I was such a cow when it came to times of what she wanted too. , For all her support, her kindness, what she had done for me, truly, I unintentionally became a half witted brat,The day she died, December 14’th, 2007, I was 12, playing at a sleepover with a few of my friends. Before that day, I had been in an argument with her, again. We were like male lions over territory, snapping and roaring at each other, leaving my father and younger brother to their bleeding ears in the kitchen. We had been shouting so much, the whole street probably heard my conceited, and obnoxious hollers. I picked up my phone to call her the day after, my hands almost shaking I was too embarrassed to call. Even though I resisted, I called anyways, it was the polite thing to do, yet, at the same time I needed someone to pick my skinny butt up. Standing in my friend’s driveway, calling her numerous times, without any answers, or responses over text even, I knew something had gone wrong, something was up, and I needed to find out why I was neglected, I was jealous if she would pay attention to anyone else, I was attention hogging and loud if she even thought of someone who wasn’t me. This fear, this feeling I grasped, it blew me to my bicycle, literally, and out the door to snag her.. Every time we had an argument, at least a day later or two, we’d bawl together, forgetting the past, knowing though, that the future would be exactly the same. I was racing on my bike, hurrying, I remember almost getting hit by a truck on the way back. I was skidding around the corner, hurrying up, I knew that my actions were such an exaggeration, but when I arrived, I did find something, something so horrifying my legs stopped suddenly, the bike just rolling on its own. There, on my lawn lay my mother's deranged body, arms and legs sprawled, laying across the dirt in front of our house. People began gathering when I yelled out for her, I looked up at the sky asking for answers, what had gone so wrong? Then I knew, no one had physically done this to her. No one had pushed her, thrown her, hit her-mentally, she wasn’t capable of bearing me… me. Crowds began forming now, everyone blown away by her fall, she had had leapt off the balcony, off the roof most likely, hitting the ground and breaking her neck directly into a snap. I fell to the floor beneath her, on my hands and knees, the tears welling up in my eyes, and suddenly, I pushed away, and staggered up the stairs to my room. Everything was darker now, my entire life had crumbled before me, her blood stained across my shirt from holding her, my mouth ready to break and crumble, my heart aching, spilling out as the locks and cracks fell into my stomach like glass- ,. But there it was, the moment I had been so lenient of, the blip I had been wondering about for so long, was this, and this was no blip, this was more than high school drama and it was my fault, my misbehavior that killed her, I am a murderer… The next week, I laid in bed, I could not move, I was so rigid, so stiff, resisting the urge to cry, and weep-my hands being thrown around as I screamed and yelled out for her- strangely, this was nothing of what I did, instead, I went outside, and watched a tree for at least two hours, I sat there, the breeze barely blowing my auburn ponytail. I laid down, then, resting my head along the grass as if listening to it’s heartbeat, when suddenly the fun arose as I giggled and laughed, Molly, my chocolate Labrador, my only Labrador, my only dog, and now, the only company I would honestly ever get, was licking my face, so unaware of what had been happening, and she knew that my tickle spot was by my right armpit. That was it, the fun of the day, we had ran along the grass, the grass my mother fell on, the mother I should have loved more. . After this day, I had learned my lesson, the grief couldn’t stay put for long, now could it? I accepted it, I accepted her death and learned to control myself, I thought community, not self, I thought right, and not wrong, I thought differently, I thought by changing the rest of my story, myself, I could become a better person, a better human being. My mother, I feel awful for letting her go, for letting myself let go, losing control and do the things I knew were out of order, and childish, and for everything that she had done, what she had done for me, our family, the money she earned and spent for our presents, clothes, almost as if she earned it, to set it all on fire-s he loved us, and she showed it, she tried so hard to perfect and fill our lives but what could I do now? Me? What could I do for her now? This was more than a lesson, it was torture, what I must have then put her through the screaming, the talk back, the attitude, the put downs, I was basically evil. I can do what she has always wanted, become the better person I always should have been, it’s the past now, it all began with pain, and it all stopped because of it, and now, never would I have known before, that pain, was how it began, and pain, is how it all ceased to exist.