How Green Becomes Wood

Milo shrugged, shaking his lightly, "He can't always be there. He can't be there with my grandparents, he wasn't there on Wednesday... I'm glad to have him, and I feel safer knowing he's in my corner, but... You know how Batman has been a thing since the 60s, but there's still crime in Gotham? Xander is Batman. And I guess you're Robin. But there's still crime in Gotham." He rubbed his face, "It's not that I don't want to have hope, it's that the problems are all too big. So I don't know where to start, because I can't fix anything, I'm just expected to cope, but coping is really hard, and I just miss when I could crawl into bed, because even when my mom was high she'd hug me." He shook his head slightly, "I don't want to be negative, and I don't want to do the things that already hurt you, and look like I just don't care, because I do, I just..." He gestured, "I thought the perk of staying in a place meant you didn't need to do, this, anymore, but I have to." He paused for a long while before saying, like he was just realizing something, "It's me."
 
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"These last couple of years have been extra bad, mostly thanks to one specific football guy that swayed the others," Alec commented. He studied Milo for a moment, wondering if he'd ever told his grandparents any of this, or anyone at all, and also wondering how much his grandparents hugged him. None of that seemed like a good question to ask right now, so he didn't. Instead, moving slow, he stepped forward and hugged Milo firmly. "You are loved, and none of this is your fault," he whispered. "You are strong, but it's okay to let yourself crumble a little. It's okay to cry. You aren't something to fix."
 
Milo leaned in against Alec, but didn't hug him back. He sure had been feeling like something to fix, like everybody had an opinion on who he was supposed to be, and how we was meant to achieve it. It made him want to scream, every time it made him want to scream. He already felt inadequate, people didn't need to rub it in all the time. Eventually, he pulled back, wiped his face, and said what he felt to be the first major pushback about what Alec had told him Wednesday, "She tried, by the way. You said it took the courts to get her to quit. It wasn't like that. She tried, it's just not easy like that."
 
Alec took a breath to say that he knew that, Milo had mentioned it, but that she had clearly not tried taking other measures, like going to rehab or getting outside help, until the courts had forced her into it. That even after failing, she'd still tried on her own and had kept Milo with her in truly horrible conditions until someone had forced them both into a very painful situation. Before the first syllable left his mouth, he changed his mind. True or false, and he did not know for a hard fact that she hadn't gotten outside help, it was not helpful. It was not important.

"I'm glad she tried," he said instead. "A couple of our mum's boyfriends were on a couple of different drugs. I know it's hard, so I'm glad she tried."
 
"She did," He repeated solidly. "I just think--people who know her judge her enough. There isn't enough slack for people who don't to pick up. We're full up on it. And I... I need my friends to not just think of her as the woman who f****d up my life. Because she's more than that to me."
 
Alec bit back a sigh. He knew for a fact he'd said she was more than that, but she was also that. You could have both. Instead of saying anything along those lines since it was clear one opion and only one had gotten through, and other people had overstated that one opinion long before he came on the scene, he nodded soberly. "Of course she is more. She's a lot more."
 
Milo looked steadily at Alec, "I know you said you don't think she's a bad person. But not thinking someone is a bad person doesn't mean you think they're a good person. I'm not stupid, I know she's flawed, but it is easier for me to believe in her. I need to believe in her, okay?"
 
"And I think you should believe in her. There's no reason you shouldn't believe in her," Alec agreed patiently. He was pretty sure he'd said that in the past, too, as well as voice his encouragement. He thought Milo did more than just believe in her, but again, not the time. A therapist would be so much better for this, but he doubted Milo would ask to see one since he wouldn't even report bullying, and it didn't sound like his grandparents noticed the need.
 
"And I don't want her to suffer." He said finally, trying to work through the part of what Alec had said which upset him the most, "She's already faced consequences. I don't want her to suffer consequences. She doesn't deserve to suffer." He turned his head slightly to the side, tensing for a moment, and then said, "Just---don't talk about her, okay?"
 
"That's not what I meant," Alec started to say, but he stopped himself. "Okay. I'll do what you want." A tiny nugget of bitter anger wanted to let him say, I won't even say anymore nice things about her like I have done in the past, but he clamped down on that. It didn't matter if Milo was only paying attention to the painful things, he'd hurt Milo, and now it was time for Alec to suffer the consequences. Milo was hurting. Milo deserved to set whatever boundaries he wanted. Even if Alec chaffed under the idea that he still was being misunderstood. It didn't matter. Milo constantly felt that way.
 
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"I know," Milo replied, himself seeming exasperated, "But how would you feel? If you were me? You have your opinion about her, and you think she's not a bad person, and you think that she can get clean, but you also think she's been a bad parent, and my grandparents have their opinions, and Xander has his opinions, and everyone I talk to thinks they have a really important thing to say about my mom. It's hard enough figuring out how I feel when I have a million voices in my head vivisecting my memory of her. She's not Prometheseus. I can't keep the eagle away. Do you understand? I don't want anyone to talk about her to me. Nobody---" He corrected himself, "You and Xander aren't trying to tear at her life, and you're not malicious, I know that, but if I needed advice on how to handle what it's like for her, I'd ask. Otherwise it's just too much to hold. I've got kinda weirdly small hands."
 
No, you wouldn't and won't ask for help or advice, and that's part of the problem, Alec thought, but at least Milo admitted that he realized Alec wasn't trying to be mean. "Okay. I won't talk about her. Ever. You don't have to hold... anything." He was a little confused as to what the heck Prometheus had to do with anything or what Milo meant by holding things, but he wasn't going to stop Milo. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was attacking her. And you. I'll do my best to never speak of her."

How would he feel if he was Milo? He already knew. He didn't feel the same as Milo. It had hurt. Less than three years ago, he was Milo. But where Milo's mother had always moved on for whatever reason, his mother had stayed in the same town. And everyone had opinions. Always. They still did when she was dead and buried. He'd just accepted that. The difference was, no one, absolutely no one, had ever said a good thing about his mother other than the current jerk trying to get into her pants or crash at their house. She had a few friends she talked about, but they never came to the house, the twins never met them, and they never got to know if they were true friends or not. The only good things... were the things she said about herself or that the twins said about her. And no matter what, she stood up for them, even when they didn't deserve if and she'd chew them out later. And they stood up for her in fight after fight after fight. Yes, Alec understood exactly what Milo was talking about there, but they would never feel the same way. They at least never had to learn a new town. They had that much security.
 
"About her," Milo corrected, looking back down at his shoes, deflated after using all of his courage to set a boundary, "When we were talking about her fish, I liked that. It's just. It's the opinions. She's important to me, and it's... hard, I want... I want to be able to show a picture of the cactus in her yard without worrying if I'll have to defend her. But I know it'd be unfair of me to just ask you to only praise her. So it's just... It's better for both of us if we don't talk about the person she is. 'Cause I'm never going to stop feeling like I do, at least not until I go to college, and I---I don't want you to feel bad if you have to hear me say I'm excited to live with her. And I don't want to have to feel bad hearing what anyone has to say about her. Even when people say good things about her, it's like... it doesn't feel..." He sighed, ruffling his own hair, "It's just too much. We'd both feel better. If we didn't. Share those feelings. If I don't talk about how much I want to live with her, I won't hurt you, and if you don't talk about how you feel about her, you won't hurt me, and then we won't hurt each other."
 
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"Okay. I promise I will do my best to respect that," Alec told Milo sincerely, and he meant it, "but I might slip up, so just say... um.. just say something to remind me, okay? But I promise I am going to try hard not to talk about her at all. And... Milo? I am excited for when you get to see her and live with her again. I mean that. I won't say anything more about it, I just want you to know that even if I'll be sad to see you go, I'm also happy for you. And her. For both of you."
 
"Thanks," Milo replied, "For what it's worth, I'm not excited to leave you and Xander. I'd. You know. Take you with me. But. That's not an option. So I need to... be prepared, I guess."
 
Alec managed a slight smile. "That does mean a lot. I just hope you can have something of a good time while you're here. Or at least a not terrible, awful, no-good, utterly rotten time." He glanced away. "We should probably head to class now, but do you need to tell me anything else first?"
 
"No, I just don't want to leave you feeling like you still had more to say." Alec patted Milo's shoulder. "Friendship is hard for regular people. It's really hard when you aren't used to having them." He started to walk away. "I'll see you around, Milo."
 
Alec didn't mind taking the lead, but he was halfway there when he realized he'd forgotten his backpack. He ended up having to awkwardly turn and walk back past Milo to go and fetch it. It wouldn't have been too bad, but with their conversation having taken so long, it did mean he was lat to class.

Xander sat in his usual seat, playing with a square stress ball. It changed colors when he squeezed it and was a good texture. He spotted Milo and gave him a slight nod.
 
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