How Green Becomes Wood

"Thank you," Daizi said, and finding the seat sat down, "It's so hard sometimes. Especially these days, people are normally willing to give up their seat for me, but I always feel really strange about it. And I always worry they find me presumptuous. Do you have a place to sit, Alec, or do you have to stand?" Since she was sitting, she collapsed her cane and held it in her lap.

It was only as the train began pulling away that she realized this was her first time alone with one of the twins, set loose in the world. In all these months, the only time she was alone with one of them was back at the house, because it wasn't like she could drive them somewhere, so if they decided to take a trip, it felt only natural to bring Dark along, since he'd need to drive them anyway. She was good at navigating the city on her own, so it wasn't even that she was nervous, but she felt the responsibility of keeping Alec safe too, "And you don't need to worry, you know," She said casually, "I don't need you to help guide me. I've got this."

~~

Dark caught the look on Xander's face and rolled his eyes, "You do realize I was a teenager when I first began listening to them, right? I was your age, and they were new. I guarantee you will still listen to whatever new music you like now when you are my age. Anyway, this is classic Alt Rock, and Emo music is Punk." He wasn't ashamed of still listening to these songs, even if he was old. To an extent, he credited them with keeping him alive, because Daizi had presented him with the tickets when he woke up in the hospital, so he sort of needed to say he'd stick around at least until then. And if cringe culture was allowed to die, even as an adult, it was good music.

"It is a fancy place," He agreed, "and I did not want him to feel embarrassed. You saw how Daizi is dressed, where they are going, everyone will look similarly."
 
"Oh, believe me, neither of us want me to be the guide," Alec assured her fervently. "I trust you to know the way far more than I ever would. And I'm going to stand. I'd rather stand next to you than find another seat. I think there are a couple, but I'd rather stick close." He smiled awkwardly, the anxiety making his heart thud like a death metal drum. He was okay. It was fine. Daizi was here, and as long as he stayed with her, everything was going to be fine. They were going to go have fun.

~~

Xander did roll his eyes then. "Yep, I'm sure," he said mildly, but he didn't really want to even play-argue with Dark about that. The lyrics were actually pretty good, but he'd wear one of Alec's pink shirts before he ever admitted that. It just wasn't done.

"Daizi did look really good," he said instead. "Like dressed to kill. So, they're off doing something high-end, and we're, what, slumming it?"
 
She laughed, and reached up to hold his hand. She knew where he was, and knew he could see her, but also knew he was a tactile person, and that physical touch helped him, "Keep an eye out, okay? If two seats together open up, we can go sit there. It's okay to change seats. I'd hate for you to have to stand the whole trip, it makes me feel bad. If I wasn't pregnant, I'd have you sit. Are you holding on?"

Later, she knew, they would have easier conversations, but first she wanted to focus entirely on the anxiety she knew he must be feeling, and making sure he was at the very least physically secure was important in that. If he didn't feel steady on his feet, there was no way he'd be comfortable internally.
~~

"I love that dress on her. I want to see if I can get it tailored after the baby is here and she reaches somewhere consistent so she can keep wearing it and have it still lay nice." Dark could talk for ages about how lovely he found her, and knew Xander knew it, but for the sake of the teenager beside him, showed restraint, "We are not slumming it, and believe me I have experience with slums, real ones. We are just going somewhere wearing a tie would be absurd for."

He sat back, moving his left hand to the top of the wheel and resting his right arm on the center console. Two things became obvious: He was wearing the bracelet Xander had given him, although this would probably have been noticed already, and he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. At least, not on his finger. If Xander was perceptive, he'd probably recognize a slight bulge a few inches below the collar of his t-shirt and the slight glimmer of a silver chain around his neck, but otherwise, it would seem he didn't have it with him.
 
Alec gripped her hand a little tighter than usual, but not so tight as to hurt. "I'm holding on," he promised, gripping the little bar provided. "I'm looking for two seats, but too many people don't want to actually sit together. Is that a train rule? To never sit with a stranger if you can possibly avoid it?"

Random questions like that, whether or not they had an answer, were a good way to get his mind off things. Things like the worry he was trying to ignore.

~~

Xander caught a glimpse of the bracelet, but he didn't say anything and pretended not to notice. A bit of pride swelled in his chest. Dark was wearing the bracelet out! Out in public! Where others could see it! He didn't notice that the wedding band wasn't there as it was a smaller item, and he wasn't used to looking for things like that. Alec would have spotted it right away.

Xander looked out the window, trying to guess without any luck where they were going. "Then are we going to help Cooger at one of his jobs cleaning something dirty? Or dealing with a lot of cogs and gears that could catch a tie?"
 
"I think it's common courtesy, like always leaving the middle stall in a public bathroom open, unless there are no other options. It's one of those unspoken things people don't even realize they're following." Daizi replied, rubbing her thumb against the back of his hand. She didn't mind the tighter grip, and really just found herself wishing she wasn't pregnant, or at least less pregnant, and he was much, much younger, so she could sit him down in her lap and hold him tight in her arms.

But then again, if he was younger, he probably wouldn't be quite so anxious, because he wouldn't have had as much time to learn how things went wrong. Then he'd only be sitting with her for his safety, "We're doing this because we want to show you this can be good," She said gently, "because there are some things you like that your brother doesn't, and vice versa, and you shouldn't have to feel like you need to miss out on those things. And won't it be fun at dinner to get to talk about your day?"

~~

"Oh yes, of course," Dark replied dryly, "I am sending my wife and your brother off to a fancy event of some sort, and you and I are off to do manual labor. It is what we deserve.

He drummed on the steering wheel with his thumbs, perfectly on beat to the music. He clearly knew every line and beat on this album by heart, but he did not sing along, "Are we going to play 20 Questions intimate you guess where we are going? I do not think you will figure it out. And no, that is not a bet, because I do not believe there is anything I can win."
 
There were so many people! And they were all busy focused on their own thing, but what if they noticed him? What if they realized he was alone without someone protecting him? Was he an easy target? Did they think he had something they'd want? What if he forgot to follow Daizi off the train? What if he got distracted and went on to the next stop? Could he find his way back to the right stop? Would she wait for him? What if she didn't realize he wasn't there and went ahead without him? How was he going to get home?

Then Daizi spoke, her gentle, kind voice cutting through the crowd of nervous voices in his head. She still held his hand even though she didn't need to. She worried about him standing too long. She recognized how he was feeling. No, she'd never leave him or forget. She'd make sure he was safe.

Alec took a deep breath and tried to smile. "You're right," he said quietly. "I'll get to tell him about things he hasn't already seen. He'll tell me things I didn't get to see. We'll have something to talk about. It'll be... it'll be fun!"

~~

Xander smirked at Dark. "It's twenty questions until I guess, or car karaoke to your favorite emos. Which would you rather?" he teased.

In truth, he worried about Alec. He wasn't there to protect him. He wasn't there to keep him safe. What if Alec did the usual Alec things and got lost? Would Daizi be able to find him? What if he got too anxious? And what was Xander supposed to do when he wasn't constantly splitting his attention between himself and his brother? That was just a weird concept.
 
The train pulled to a stop, and the held his hand a bit tighter and said, "This one is not ours, we've a few left to go."

She rested her head against him, still holding his hand, "And it will be fun. That's something that... For my work, sometimes I'm sent all over the world for research, and Dark can't always come with. So I spend months without him, waking up in strange beds on the other side of the planet, and they're cold beds because he's not there. And I miss him so much, especially in the morning and at night. Dark is my favourite person," Her hand that wasn't holding onto Alec migrated to her belly, lovingly stroking its width. She didn't miss her husband, they were comfortable being apart, especially just for a day trip, but speaking about their love, made her feel very strongly the fact she was growing their child. It felt like the brightest badge of their devotion to each other. But this she wouldn't express to either twin, ever, because she knew their origin was not of a loving union, and Daizi would never intentionally make them confront how different their beginnings were, "but when he comes to get me at the airport, it is like no time has passed, and the entire time we're apart, we know we'll be back together again. And that's what Dark and I want you to find with your brother, do you understand? It won't happen today, I know, but one day we want you to learn how you are always connected to each other, even if on a day like this, you are physically apart."

~~

"Certainly you see how if we do car karaoke rather than playing 20 Questions, you will suffer too." He replied, but smiled a bit. He knew his was tough for Xander, and the timing wasn't perfect. But this wasn't something they could book any day, they were working under a tight time frame, "We've got an hour, although I think you will enjoy it more if you just allow yourself to enjoy the surprise. Nothing bad is going to happen. Daizi is blind but very aware of her surroundings, and they are going somewhere she knows well."

Over the stereo, a very famous G-note played, followed by:

When I was a young boy, my father
Took me into the city to see a marching band
He said, "Son, when you grow up would you be
The savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?"
He said, "Will you defeat them? Your demons
And all the non-believers, the plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you a phantom
To lead you in the summer to join the black parade..."


Dark took a quick glance at Xander said, "I am not driving you an hour to see a marching band, I promise. You will enjoy this."
 
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The woman sitting next to Daizi got up and exited the train, leaving the space next to Daizi open. Alec took the opportunity and took the empty spot, sitting next to Daizi. "I'm worried about him," he admitted. "He's been especially on guard ever since... you know. I think he's scared, and he wants me to know that he won't ever leave me again. At least, not like that. I believe him, but I still miss him. I'm used to him being the one to keep me safe and, most importantly, from getting lost. I know you will, too, but it's different."

~~

Xander gave Darka dry look when he said that karaoke would be painful for him but didn't argue. As the famous song started to play, he sighed and said, "Oh, that's too bad. I was really hoping for a marching band. They're like my all-time favorite thing." He paused and said more quietly, "I just hope Alec stays close to Daizi.
 
When Alec sat down, Daizi immediately put her arm around him and held him close, "I know you're worried. And it's okay to miss him. We expect that from you." She reached over with her other hand and smoothed his hair, "And I know it's different. But different doesn't always mean bad, right? I've got you, and Dark's got him. And we'll all be okay. We're not trying to get you to abandon each other, we just want to treat you to a very special day, just for you."

~~

"He will." Dark said, having the utmost confidence of it, "Daizi will make sure that he does. She will probably hold onto his arm like she holds onto me. And she's hard to miss in a crowd. But if it makes you feel better, where they are going, they will not really be wandering around. Right now they are on a train, so they will be sitting together, and then they will get into a cab, and again there will be no chance of getting separated, and then they are going somewhere indoors with lots of seating. He will have very few chances to wander off. I promise."

A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams
Your misery and hate will kill us all
So paint it black and take it back, let's shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end we hear the call
To carry on, we'll carry on
 
Alec leaned into her and closed his eyes, allowing himself to take comfort from her presence, at least for a little while. "I'm sorry to take away some of the joy of your special- our special day," he said meekly. "I know you mean for this to be a good thing, it's just... hard. Change is hard, even good change." He took a deep breath, sat up, and straightened his tie. "But I am going to do my absolute best to enjoy this day!"

~~

"That's good to know." Xander ran a hand through his hair and glanced at Dark. "So, other than listing to songs about maybe death and fond memories, what are you planning to do with me for the next forty-five minutes or however much time is left?"
 
"No, it's okay," She rubbed his back, "We knew it was going to be hard. If you feel more anxious than excited right now, you don't have to apologize for that. I hope, and truly believe, that you'll reach a point today where you are just having fun, and aren't worried, but until then, you are allowed to feel whatever you want to feel, okay? This day is all about you."

Even when he sat up, she kept her arm around him, but moved her other hand back to her middle, "If it helps at all, I think the baby is very excited to be spending a day with her big brother. She's been kicking since we sat down."

~~

"Okay, that is not what this song is about. Not really. And it's good to confront mortality, but that is not what we are doing." He shook his head but kept his eyes on the road. The song was coming to it's end, now.

Do or die, you'll never make me
Because the world will never take my heart
Go and try, you'll never break me
We want it all, we wanna play this part


"And I am not really planning to do anything. Not during the drive, anyway. I did not make conversation cards. We can just look silently out the window if you prefer." They didn't have to make a turn, so they just kept driving straight down a road, while the scenery around them became increasingly more rural and spread out.

I won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scars
Give a cheer for all the broken
Listen here, because it's who we are
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
Just a boy, who had to sing this song
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero


Dark took a quick glance at Xander, "Where do you think I would take you? You trust me enough to let me take you this far, so surely you must recognize I am not taking you somewhere you will detest."
 
Alec gave Daizi a wobbly smile. "Thank you," he said softly. And he meant it. He still felt a little bad that he was taking up so much of their happy time with his fears and concerns, but some of that tension eased when Daizi recognized and accepted how he felt and didn't try to make him feel any differently.

"I am looking forward to seeing what's at the end of the rainbow," he said, trying to infuse a bit more cheer into his voice. "I have no idea what's to come, but since you and the professor planned it, I know it has to be something good and fun. I just cannot think of what it might be."

~~

Xander groaned and leaned back in the seat. "Of course, I trust you, duh, or I wouldn't have gotten back in the car at the train station. I just thought you might have something other than awkward silence in mind. Conversation? Banter? Small talk? Short discussion with someone other than Daizi? You are capable of having a non-serious and non-work-related conversation with someone other than Daizi, aren't you?"

He was mostly teasing, but also a little exasperated. It was nice to know he wasn't going to be trapped in a lecture for who knew how long, but just sitting in silence listening to music that grated on his nerves was not exactly a pleasing idea. That would lead to nothing but moody fretting and worry. Surely Dark had something he'd like to talk about. Xander would even take a lively discourse on the weather at this point.
 
"No, that's the idea," She replied, squeezing him a bit tighter, "but I won't tell you yet. It's a wonderful surprise, and this is the only day we can do it. And Xander's trip will be wonderful for him, too."

As nervous as she knew he was, she was happy. It was a day out with him, and that was wonderful. Sitting there on the train while the city slowly approached was enough, because she knew he was about to have a great day, they just needed to reach the fun part, "Dark said you decluttered your room on Thursday. Did you finally decide on how you're painting it?"

~~

"No, I can. Of course I can." Dark replied, and then paused for a few moments, "I just hate small talk. It always seems pointless to me. I like to speak more at depth, more personally. Really I am only interested in what goes on below, do you understand? But the problem with that," Dark furrowed his brows, keeping his eyes firmly on the road, "is I can see there are things below in you that ache to recall, and as much as I do want to learn those things, some day, I always worry about stumbling into them and causing you strife. And the more I learn about you, the more I have to reveal in kind, yes? I want to know you well, but I always fear tripping into something you are not ready to discuss."

He glanced at Xander, "Does that make sense? We have been living together since December and I know so few concrete details about how you have come up in the world, and what you have known and seen. I just try to wait on your cue."
 
Alec brightened and nodded. "Yes. Xander and I finally came to an agreement. We're going to do a color gradient. It's like where one color blends into the next and makes an abstract pattern. Like... when the Professor works with his wood and he has to sand it, it starts off rough and gradually makes it smooth. Like that, only with a color palate spread over one wall and up to about half of the ceiling. The only trouble we're having now is figuring out which wall to put it on."

~~

"Yeah, but aren't you supposed to get to know someone with small talk and gradually reveal deeper stuff?" Xander asked. "Might be reading you wrong, but from what you said, instead of wading from the shallow end of the conversation pool to the deep end, you want to cannonball straight into the deep end and maybe then head for the shallow end. Just 'cause it's small doesn't mean it has to be empty talk. You and Daizi talk about small things a lot, but it doesn't look like either of you are in any pain about it whatsoever. If all you worry about is hitting the sore spots, then you won't never have any kind of meaningful conversations ever. Like right now. We could talk about your car, right? Why this car? Why this color? I dunno much about cars, but talking about it gives me stuff about what makes you tick, and then maybe I could let slip about how when we were eight, we lived in a car for two weeks because the jerk of a landlord kicked us out and we couldn't get into another apartment right away. I could even mention what kind of car it was. Smooth, right?"
 
"You would put it on the biggest wall, right? I don't know, you would need to talk to Dark. He spent a lot of time talking about accent walls when we were decorating the house, but to me they're really just walls. I think that I can understand the idea behind it though..." She thought for a little bit, trying to imagine when she had touched partially sanded wood, "For the nursery we found wallpaper with little animals all over it. There's a deer and a hummingbird and... I can't even remember what they all are. I like the hummingbird, because she's a little hummingbird. And it has a slight texture to it, so to me it is not just walls."

~~

Dark nodded, agreeing with the points Xander was making, "I suppose I always think of small talk as the awkward little conversations you make at those social events you would rather not be at. I always have to go to Daizi's work event, and her coworkers and boss are great people, but the donors who are invited are always miserable and pretentious, and you need to make meaninglessness conversations with them to play nice. Neither of us like it, but we're obligated to go. We like to joke I'm essentially just her trophy husband when we're there..." He smirked slightly, and then sighed, "But I understand. Although I don't know why this car. It is big enough for me, which is part of it, I am sure. The colour is because, and this will shock you, I like red and black. And the top comes down..." Still looking at the road he said, "Two weeks in a car is rough. I am glad it was not longer."
 
"I'll ask him," Alec agreed. He looked around the train. "I can't remember the last time I was on a train. Or have I ever been on one? No, I don't think I have. It's quite fun! And the seats are actually not too uncomfortable." He glanced at Daizi. "How are you feeling? I know you travel a lot, but you've never been this pregnant before. Are you comfortable?"

~~

Xander snickered at the image of Dark trying to mingle at a function. "Honestly? The car was better than some of the places we stayed at. Except when trying to sleep. Car seats aren't too comfortable for sleeping. Red and black are good colors. They kind of remind me of reptile colors for some reason. I've been thinking about the kind of car I want."
 
"No, I haven't," She chuckled, smoothing her dress, "I'm okay. I haven't been sleeping well because of it, and I'm almost twenty two weeks, which is... Well, it's something I never thought I'd reach. In two weeks, I'll be at a point where even if I do give birth early, she has a chance to survive. It'd be a hard fight, but a winnable one. So if I can keep her inside until then... Preferably longer, of course. I want to keep her right here until November, but it's still a very comforting thought." She fell silent for a little while, just thinking about how far the two of them had survived together, and then turned back to Alec, "But the point is, the train isn't a problem. The two of us are just fine. Thank you for asking."

~~

"I had to sleep in a car a few times, not for a similar reason. I could not do it, I do not fit. Daizi and I once booked a fancy hotel room for a trip we were going on, and the bed was way too short for me. We had to sleep in seperate beds so I could try to coil up like a dog. Everything is too small in this life." Dark shook his head, "I suppose there are many snakes and lizards with those colours. I do not associate it with them, though. When I came to the US, I changed my surname to 'Dark' so it is not difficult to understand why I like the colour black. And red..." With one hand he fished his wedding ring from beneath his shirt, and it's large, garnet stone hit the light, "It's actually from my father. Only thing I have from my own country, and my own family. It has meant a thousand different things, I use it as my wedding ring because now it tells me family is not necessarily who you are born into."
 
Alec smiled and touched her shoulder lightly. "You're welcome! You're very important to me, so I just want to make sure you're alright. I hope I don't fuss too much. You are a very capable person, but this... all of this is just so very new and different."

~~

Xander eyed the stone appreciatively. "That's one nice stone. Your dad sounds like he was a real piece of work, and I like the sentiment, but... why keep something tied to something so... dark, if you'll excuse the term."
 
"You don't fuss too much... Well, no, you can, and sometimes do, but I know it's coming from a good place, so it doesn't bother me too much, unless I'm in a cranky mood, but that's mostly her fault." She put her hand over his and smiled down towards him, "It's new and different for me, too. Some of it I had known before, the practical elements of it, anyway. But it's been a really long time since I've felt any hope... And I've felt hope with this one since before I even took the test. There is just something about it, about her. I think she just wants to live. And now I'm in uncharted territory. That's new, too."

Very gently she took Alec's hand and put it on her belly, although there still wasn't anything to feel besides the hard, still bump, "Isn't it funny to think every person you've ever met used to live like this? Wrapped up safe inside their biological mother?"

~~

Dark ran his tongue over his teeth, and was silent as he tried to think of an adequate response, "I took it without knowing what I was doing. I had been in the market, because there was a man there who I would visit with. He knew I didn't have a lot to eat at home, so he would sneak some things to me, so I wouldn't have to risk stealing. When I went home, it wasn't there anymore. It was gone, rubble. And I was fourteen, I did not know what to do, so I sifted through it, because it seemed right. And there was his hand, sticking up through what was left, and I was in such a state of shock, I just took it. It felt very natural at the time. At first I kept it because I was angry, and I wanted everyone to know what they did to us. It was too big for me, then. Eventually I began to keep it because I was angry and wanted to remind myself nothing in life came without struggle, and that everyone at their core were brutal and cruel. And then it was because I wanted to remind myself to never look back and never be like where I came from... Then because I wanted to remember where I came from. And somewhere along the line it began to feel like mine, with all of the emotions and fears I had ever had in my life, and ever would feel, built in."

He looked over at Xander for just a moment, before slowing down and turning down a road, "It's been reclaimed, for me. And from that first moment it became mine, I have found it difficult to part with."
 
"That is a very strange thought, and kind of almost comforting to think that everyone, no matter who they are, started in the same place," Alec mused. "It's lovely." He looked out the window and smiled. "She'll make it. Both of you will. I'm certain of it." Then he frowned, a slight cloud crossing his face. "But for some reason, I feel it won't be completely easy."

~~

Xander frowned thoughtfully. "I feel like I understand and don't get it at the same time." He paused, looking out at the scenery. "Thanks for telling me. Our life was no picnic, but it wasn't nothing like that. Our mum, she didn't want us, but she treated us as best she could and tried to do what was best for all of us. That's more than a lot of folk have."
 
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