AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
This is kind of just going to be my vent thread because there's some stuff I need to tell SOMEBODY but my own family won't even freaking listen and I have very few irl friends.
Is anyone else (emotionally) struggling right now?
- Thread starter AmatsuOtaku
- Start date
KatsuTheCat
See You Later
I think the only way ive been coping is doing stuff with my friends really (Playing video games, video chat, stuff like that) XD without them id probably be bored and on edge.
Wolfy Dalfyry
SCREEEEEEEE
I feel like I'm going crazy.
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
First of all, being an ambivert on lockdown.
Sometimes I act introverted, sometimes I act extroverted. That means sometimes I'm happy to be at home and play video games and browse the internet, but sometimes I suddenly get hit with that "I NEED to talk to somebody NOW". This results in huge mood swings and constant conflict between "leave me the hell alone" and "I need to see somebody right now". It really sucks.
Second, dealing with depression. (This is some really personal stuff)
The virus, shutdown, lockdown etc is bad enough without having depression on top of that. Oh, AND having a behavioral disorder that just screws me up even more (I was diagnosed with ADHD and then high-functioning autism later). I'm not on medication, I'm not seeing my therapist, can't even talk to my friends who kept me going this long. AND my mom is constantly making it worse without even realizing that, and because of all the aforementioned stuff I have a fear of confrontation so I CANT EVEN TELL HER WHATS HAPPENING.
I honestly feel really attacked whenever she talks to me about this kind of stuff, because it's all "you need to get help" when her idea of "help" is the opposite of helpful for me. Getting evaluated for mental illnesses, going on medication, all of that just increases my anxiety. I have to pretend to be happy around my family or it'll make things worse. My best friend is currently out of town and can't talk to me. The only people I can talk to now are random people on rp forums like STC...
The song Abstract nonsense could give you a better idea of how it feels for me.
I've been lonely, depressed, and suicidal for about 2 years now. I haven't attempted to hurt/kill myself yet only because I'm still afraid of further pain. But I have attempted to run away from home 3 times in 2 different states. My grades are dropping and I'm going into high school. I have no motivation to do basically anything.
And there's this girl I really love and I don't want to upset her. Just the very idea of making her cry brings tears to my eyes. And not to mention my little brother... Actually crying as I write this btw
I've turned back to role-playing as sort of my last resort to keep my sanity and hopefully see the end of this crisis. But I just keep feeling more unstable with every passing week, and at this rate... I don't even want to think about the outcome. I hardly sleep anymore, I've been getting up earlier and earlier. I think I might be addicted to coffee at this point too. I keep singing those really angry screaming rock songs until I ruin my voice, over and over and over because it's all I can do. While rping helps a bit, it's a temporary relief.
I just really don't know what to do.
Sometimes I act introverted, sometimes I act extroverted. That means sometimes I'm happy to be at home and play video games and browse the internet, but sometimes I suddenly get hit with that "I NEED to talk to somebody NOW". This results in huge mood swings and constant conflict between "leave me the hell alone" and "I need to see somebody right now". It really sucks.
Second, dealing with depression. (This is some really personal stuff)
The virus, shutdown, lockdown etc is bad enough without having depression on top of that. Oh, AND having a behavioral disorder that just screws me up even more (I was diagnosed with ADHD and then high-functioning autism later). I'm not on medication, I'm not seeing my therapist, can't even talk to my friends who kept me going this long. AND my mom is constantly making it worse without even realizing that, and because of all the aforementioned stuff I have a fear of confrontation so I CANT EVEN TELL HER WHATS HAPPENING.
I honestly feel really attacked whenever she talks to me about this kind of stuff, because it's all "you need to get help" when her idea of "help" is the opposite of helpful for me. Getting evaluated for mental illnesses, going on medication, all of that just increases my anxiety. I have to pretend to be happy around my family or it'll make things worse. My best friend is currently out of town and can't talk to me. The only people I can talk to now are random people on rp forums like STC...
The song Abstract nonsense could give you a better idea of how it feels for me.
I've been lonely, depressed, and suicidal for about 2 years now. I haven't attempted to hurt/kill myself yet only because I'm still afraid of further pain. But I have attempted to run away from home 3 times in 2 different states. My grades are dropping and I'm going into high school. I have no motivation to do basically anything.
And there's this girl I really love and I don't want to upset her. Just the very idea of making her cry brings tears to my eyes. And not to mention my little brother... Actually crying as I write this btw
I've turned back to role-playing as sort of my last resort to keep my sanity and hopefully see the end of this crisis. But I just keep feeling more unstable with every passing week, and at this rate... I don't even want to think about the outcome. I hardly sleep anymore, I've been getting up earlier and earlier. I think I might be addicted to coffee at this point too. I keep singing those really angry screaming rock songs until I ruin my voice, over and over and over because it's all I can do. While rping helps a bit, it's a temporary relief.
I just really don't know what to do.
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
I'm sorry for the rant, I just really needed to get it out of my mind and into words, ya know...
KatsuTheCat
See You Later
Awe that's so sad!!
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
I guess that's part of why I get annoyed when people take a long time to reply. Well, firstly I get anxious and keep checking my notifications, and secondly the rp is how I escape this literal hell I live in.
KatsuTheCat
See You Later
Try too find lots of different things too keep yourself occupied. I game, watch yt, role-play (obviously), draw, chat with friends, all sorts! And yeah, I refresh my page probably too often lol because i'm just so exited too write!
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
I'm going to put some of my poetry on this topic here. Because this is my thread and I do whatever the hell I want
“How come the people you love
Never know how you feel?”
Well, perhaps it’s because
I always hide it behind a smile.
Depression does not mean crying all the time.
Sometimes you’re too sad to cry.
Sometimes you wish you could have a better life,
When other times you wish you could die.
But we don’t really want to die.
We just want living to be less painful.
The fact that living feels like such a struggle
Is why we try to kill ourselves.
Why does nobody realize
That we’re really not okay?
Some of us are hurting
Every hour of the night and day.
So why is it that
Whenever we can’t stand it anymore,
We’re “weak” for crying?
We’re strong just for trying.
I just wish I could stop thinking
“I want to die”
Every time something goes wrong.
Because I don’t want to die,
I really don’t,
But now
Living
Is
Much
More
Painful.
I give up on hoping
For a brighter future.
For now I just want
To survive until
I can see you
again.
“How come the people you love
Never know how you feel?”
Well, perhaps it’s because
I always hide it behind a smile.
Depression does not mean crying all the time.
Sometimes you’re too sad to cry.
Sometimes you wish you could have a better life,
When other times you wish you could die.
But we don’t really want to die.
We just want living to be less painful.
The fact that living feels like such a struggle
Is why we try to kill ourselves.
Why does nobody realize
That we’re really not okay?
Some of us are hurting
Every hour of the night and day.
So why is it that
Whenever we can’t stand it anymore,
We’re “weak” for crying?
We’re strong just for trying.
I just wish I could stop thinking
“I want to die”
Every time something goes wrong.
Because I don’t want to die,
I really don’t,
But now
Living
Is
Much
More
Painful.
I give up on hoping
For a brighter future.
For now I just want
To survive until
I can see you
again.
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
I’ve lived much of my life so far
In desolate places with a desperate heart.
Still it keeps on beating through the highs and lows,
Keeping my life from coming to a close.
I hide behind a mask of “I love you”
“I’m happy” and “I’m ok”
But living is a trying task
Especially if I must live this way.
I dream of what may happen if I were to die
But every time it ends in making someone cry.
It was only that vision keeping me alive this long.
I imagine my funeral and you’re always there to mourn my “loss”.
No, no, don’t cry,
as long as you’re here I cannot die.
That’s what you want, isn’t it?
Even if the pain makes me regret this…
I’ve tried to hard to forget,
But I’m not safe inside my own head.
Leaving me alone may be a fatal mistake,
Is that a risk you want to take?
The wounds keep on multiplying
Pain in my head never stopping
The pounding of my heart
Becomes a distraction.
I’m always holding back tears,
Surely you’ve realized those years
I mention and laugh about
Almost made me end it all.
The commotion of the school
hurts my head, makes me dizzy
It’s all turned into jumbled noise,
A bunch of sounds lacking meaning.
Aah, “I want to die” the words barely escape me
It’s too hard to say it now ‘cause maybe, just maybe
There’s someone I love enough to keep on going on
But is it worth it just to keep you smiling, my love?
Is it worth the dreams?
Is it worth the nightmares?
Is it worth living for you?
Is it worth living for love?
Is it worth living through tomorrow?
Is it worth living through it all?
The answer to all of that must be “yes”
For I haven’t had the courage to end it yet.
Either that or I’m just afraid
If I died I’d cause you more pain.
As long as you’re happy that I’m alive
I won’t be able to rest, won’t be able to die,
Won’t be able to regret living on one more day.
So I’ll put on a smile for you, even if it’s fake.
In desolate places with a desperate heart.
Still it keeps on beating through the highs and lows,
Keeping my life from coming to a close.
I hide behind a mask of “I love you”
“I’m happy” and “I’m ok”
But living is a trying task
Especially if I must live this way.
I dream of what may happen if I were to die
But every time it ends in making someone cry.
It was only that vision keeping me alive this long.
I imagine my funeral and you’re always there to mourn my “loss”.
No, no, don’t cry,
as long as you’re here I cannot die.
That’s what you want, isn’t it?
Even if the pain makes me regret this…
I’ve tried to hard to forget,
But I’m not safe inside my own head.
Leaving me alone may be a fatal mistake,
Is that a risk you want to take?
The wounds keep on multiplying
Pain in my head never stopping
The pounding of my heart
Becomes a distraction.
I’m always holding back tears,
Surely you’ve realized those years
I mention and laugh about
Almost made me end it all.
The commotion of the school
hurts my head, makes me dizzy
It’s all turned into jumbled noise,
A bunch of sounds lacking meaning.
Aah, “I want to die” the words barely escape me
It’s too hard to say it now ‘cause maybe, just maybe
There’s someone I love enough to keep on going on
But is it worth it just to keep you smiling, my love?
Is it worth the dreams?
Is it worth the nightmares?
Is it worth living for you?
Is it worth living for love?
Is it worth living through tomorrow?
Is it worth living through it all?
The answer to all of that must be “yes”
For I haven’t had the courage to end it yet.
Either that or I’m just afraid
If I died I’d cause you more pain.
As long as you’re happy that I’m alive
I won’t be able to rest, won’t be able to die,
Won’t be able to regret living on one more day.
So I’ll put on a smile for you, even if it’s fake.
Wolfy Dalfyry
SCREEEEEEEE
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
This one's long. Deal with it
Wishing to unsee the things I've seen
Unhear the songs that get stuck in my head playing relentlessly
Wishing to unwind the past few years of my life
Or go all the way and unravel myself completely
A lost girl, a blank slate
a grey monochrome sky again today
“I hate this” I whisper to myself
even my head goes beneath the water, the words drowned
My tears dissipate in the water leaving nothing but blank red eyes
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid. Give me a happy dream for once?
I sing quietly, the words feeble and useless like a bubble
Even the warmth of the sun brings no comfort
Visions dance, screaming, burning in my own fire
An innocent girl turned to a blank-faced liar
The world goes up in smoke but I’m the one holding the lighter
I want it to end, but I don’t want to say goodbye.
I want tomorrow to hurry up and come but I don’t want to close my eyes
I want to die, but I don’t want to die, I just want to stop existing altogether
I want to rewind and find where my life went awry
Want to scream, want to cry, but above all don’t want to die
I want to simply disappear like an apparition in the blink of an eye
I want it to end, the pain and sorrow on repeat in this purgatory
But I can’t hurt myself, I can’t hurt you, can’t find the strength.
Is death the only alternative to this kind of life?
Is it the preferable one? Again I drop the knife.
But even if I could fade away painlessly,
I can’t make you forget me.
An upside-down map, lost in nothingness
I close my eyes and drown in the darkness.
“I want this to end” I whisper to myself
No one can hear me crying for help.
My tears fall endlessly without any sign of stopping.
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid.
Please don’t show me a nightmare.
Wandering sometime in the middle of the winter night
Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you? You’d cry if I died?
But even now it becomes hard to breathe
Lingering on a happy moment, how could I say those things?
People joke about it, wanting to die or disappear or forget
But they don’t understand, it’s more than simple regret
This pain latches onto you. It stays with you forever
No matter how hard you try you can’t dull it, can’t get rid of it.
I sink deeper and deeper and deeper
Into a vast sea of memories and I can't escape
If I were to forget, would the whole sea be drained?
Or would I keep drifting forever as long as you recognise this as “me?”
A love note in bright red ink
The mirror lies, that person isn’t me
“Where is she?!” I whisper, I cry, and I scream.
Drowning in my own desire - is this happy?
My tears stop suddenly with a revelation.
Midnight? Sometime around 3 AM?
I can’t sleep, the fear creeping in and gripping my heart
I couldn’t pull the trigger, couldn’t even aim the gun.
Aah, I love you for saving me but I resent you for it too
I stand on the summit, ready to jump as soon as I couldn’t bear it
But you hold me back, talking me down with those kind words
Holding on to me as if you know what you’re risking even through the phone.
It works both ways, words of encouragement and support
Sometimes it makes me happy and other times I’m hit with incredible guilt
I hate that I keep making you love me and repeat those words
I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve it, don’t deserve you at all…
I want to cry, want to scream!
Will I be trapped inside this dream eternally?
If so, do I even want to wake up?
I want to close my eyes and fall asleep forever,
But not if you’d lament over knowing you couldn’t save me this time!
“A little bit longer, a little bit longer, I can hold on… “
I’ve lost my grip and I’m falling.
What did I do to deserve this?
An endless cycle of torture through my thoughts and visions
In the middle of the night, the entity known as Death
Knocks on my window and I turn him away again.
I have to live, have to smile, have to pretend everything is okay for her.
Even if laughing it off just hurts even more.
Is she pretending it’s okay just like I am?
It’s not enough to pretend, you can't fool me anymore!
Wishing to unsee the things I've seen
Unhear the songs that get stuck in my head playing relentlessly
Wishing to unwind the past few years of my life
Or go all the way and unravel myself completely
A lost girl, a blank slate
a grey monochrome sky again today
“I hate this” I whisper to myself
even my head goes beneath the water, the words drowned
My tears dissipate in the water leaving nothing but blank red eyes
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid. Give me a happy dream for once?
I sing quietly, the words feeble and useless like a bubble
Even the warmth of the sun brings no comfort
Visions dance, screaming, burning in my own fire
An innocent girl turned to a blank-faced liar
The world goes up in smoke but I’m the one holding the lighter
I want it to end, but I don’t want to say goodbye.
I want tomorrow to hurry up and come but I don’t want to close my eyes
I want to die, but I don’t want to die, I just want to stop existing altogether
I want to rewind and find where my life went awry
Want to scream, want to cry, but above all don’t want to die
I want to simply disappear like an apparition in the blink of an eye
I want it to end, the pain and sorrow on repeat in this purgatory
But I can’t hurt myself, I can’t hurt you, can’t find the strength.
Is death the only alternative to this kind of life?
Is it the preferable one? Again I drop the knife.
But even if I could fade away painlessly,
I can’t make you forget me.
An upside-down map, lost in nothingness
I close my eyes and drown in the darkness.
“I want this to end” I whisper to myself
No one can hear me crying for help.
My tears fall endlessly without any sign of stopping.
Midnight? 3 AM? I’ve lost track of time.
I can’t sleep, I’m too afraid.
Please don’t show me a nightmare.
Wandering sometime in the middle of the winter night
Wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you? You’d cry if I died?
But even now it becomes hard to breathe
Lingering on a happy moment, how could I say those things?
People joke about it, wanting to die or disappear or forget
But they don’t understand, it’s more than simple regret
This pain latches onto you. It stays with you forever
No matter how hard you try you can’t dull it, can’t get rid of it.
I sink deeper and deeper and deeper
Into a vast sea of memories and I can't escape
If I were to forget, would the whole sea be drained?
Or would I keep drifting forever as long as you recognise this as “me?”
A love note in bright red ink
The mirror lies, that person isn’t me
“Where is she?!” I whisper, I cry, and I scream.
Drowning in my own desire - is this happy?
My tears stop suddenly with a revelation.
Midnight? Sometime around 3 AM?
I can’t sleep, the fear creeping in and gripping my heart
I couldn’t pull the trigger, couldn’t even aim the gun.
Aah, I love you for saving me but I resent you for it too
I stand on the summit, ready to jump as soon as I couldn’t bear it
But you hold me back, talking me down with those kind words
Holding on to me as if you know what you’re risking even through the phone.
It works both ways, words of encouragement and support
Sometimes it makes me happy and other times I’m hit with incredible guilt
I hate that I keep making you love me and repeat those words
I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve it, don’t deserve you at all…
I want to cry, want to scream!
Will I be trapped inside this dream eternally?
If so, do I even want to wake up?
I want to close my eyes and fall asleep forever,
But not if you’d lament over knowing you couldn’t save me this time!
“A little bit longer, a little bit longer, I can hold on… “
I’ve lost my grip and I’m falling.
What did I do to deserve this?
An endless cycle of torture through my thoughts and visions
In the middle of the night, the entity known as Death
Knocks on my window and I turn him away again.
I have to live, have to smile, have to pretend everything is okay for her.
Even if laughing it off just hurts even more.
Is she pretending it’s okay just like I am?
It’s not enough to pretend, you can't fool me anymore!
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
As you can see, my poems increase in length the more pain that's behind them
Edit: Is anyone actually reading those lmao
Edit: Is anyone actually reading those lmao
Wolfy Dalfyry
SCREEEEEEEE
View attachment 7020I've got quite a bit of these.
KatsuTheCat
See You Later
yas im reading them, they're very moving <3
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
Just came back from lunch and saw this, thank you guys
Wolfy Dalfyry
SCREEEEEEEE
AmatsuOtaku
Professional fanboy
I stand frozen as my heart accelerates to a painful exertion.
I look at your face as the clock ticks on.
It’s speeding up, too.
I try to look into the future and the clock face shatters.
My heart, pounding in my chest, screams for attention.
Only then I realize I was holding my breath,
Caught up in the heat of the moment
And the heat of my passion, I made a mistake.
You hold the key to my heart now, how did I lose it?
I’m glad it’s you who has it, but
I’m scared to let you see inside my heart.
Will it hurt?
That’s my problem, I’m too weak.
Like a child, afraid of pain.
I suck in a breath, it’s choking me now.
Are those tears on my face?
I can’t see, I’m getting dizzy.
If I fall, can I trust you to catch me?
I can’t breathe, I’m getting sleepy.
Ah, still afraid to feel love’s sting.
It’s just like looking in a mirror
And seeing who I used to be.
Drowning in a sea of tears
Only one person reached out to me.
So, that’s the way it is, I made you my guardian angel,
Praying you were strong enough to bear the weight
Of my crying face and pain-filled words when my emotional fortress crumbles.
You broke down the barrier protecting my heart. Was it fate?
Will I let it completely consume me?
Like the darkness consumes a good girl,
Is it symbolic now? This stupid irony
Carries on through my life in this cruel world.
Ha-ha, I laugh weakly on a shallow breath.
It’s strange how love feels so much like death.
If I died now would you cry for me?
Would you follow me?
I’m always asking too much, make the pain stop.
My blurred field of vision and
The jumbled torrent of noise that is the world beyond,
If I open my eyes will it hurt again?
The only thing I can see is your silhouette
But why do you have angel’s wings?
The outline fades away, it was only in my head
And everything around me is burning.
Even if it’s all in my head...
I’m a fallen angel set to fall again.
To hell with me and my sinful obsession!
The fire grows hotter within a split second.
I can feel the pulse of my heart speed up.
I can’t breathe, the weight of it all presses in on me.
I remember how I got here.
The fire surrounding me
Is the surge of adrenaline I get from you.
I stand frozen as my heart accelerates to a painful exertion…
Caught in an endless loop of growing love
Like a broken record I repeat the same words again
“I love you” “I love you”
I look at your face as the clock ticks on.
It’s speeding up, too.
I try to look into the future and the clock face shatters.
My heart, pounding in my chest, screams for attention.
Only then I realize I was holding my breath,
Caught up in the heat of the moment
And the heat of my passion, I made a mistake.
You hold the key to my heart now, how did I lose it?
I’m glad it’s you who has it, but
I’m scared to let you see inside my heart.
Will it hurt?
That’s my problem, I’m too weak.
Like a child, afraid of pain.
I suck in a breath, it’s choking me now.
Are those tears on my face?
I can’t see, I’m getting dizzy.
If I fall, can I trust you to catch me?
I can’t breathe, I’m getting sleepy.
Ah, still afraid to feel love’s sting.
It’s just like looking in a mirror
And seeing who I used to be.
Drowning in a sea of tears
Only one person reached out to me.
So, that’s the way it is, I made you my guardian angel,
Praying you were strong enough to bear the weight
Of my crying face and pain-filled words when my emotional fortress crumbles.
You broke down the barrier protecting my heart. Was it fate?
Will I let it completely consume me?
Like the darkness consumes a good girl,
Is it symbolic now? This stupid irony
Carries on through my life in this cruel world.
Ha-ha, I laugh weakly on a shallow breath.
It’s strange how love feels so much like death.
If I died now would you cry for me?
Would you follow me?
I’m always asking too much, make the pain stop.
My blurred field of vision and
The jumbled torrent of noise that is the world beyond,
If I open my eyes will it hurt again?
The only thing I can see is your silhouette
But why do you have angel’s wings?
The outline fades away, it was only in my head
And everything around me is burning.
Even if it’s all in my head...
I’m a fallen angel set to fall again.
To hell with me and my sinful obsession!
The fire grows hotter within a split second.
I can feel the pulse of my heart speed up.
I can’t breathe, the weight of it all presses in on me.
I remember how I got here.
The fire surrounding me
Is the surge of adrenaline I get from you.
I stand frozen as my heart accelerates to a painful exertion…
Caught in an endless loop of growing love
Like a broken record I repeat the same words again
“I love you” “I love you”
Just know that we're here for you and you can always find a sounding board here. Additionally, there are a lot of resources if you really need someone to talk to when things get really bad.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
I know it's trite, but seriously don't be afraid of reaching out. We're pulling for you.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
I know it's trite, but seriously don't be afraid of reaching out. We're pulling for you.
Wolfy Dalfyry
SCREEEEEEEE
You deserve a million hugs, both virtual and actual, Amatsu. I'm sure you can get through this!