Is anyone else (emotionally) struggling right now?

Well, your parents could be stressed too. They've probably been working from home, couped up inside away from their friends and they are trying to take care of children that they can't understand, but want to. And if they don't know how to help, or think what's helping is damaging, then forcing them to see your way won't go well, because, well, they just don't get it. Maybe finding something that they do get and trying to compromise. Maybe playing a board game or an in life RP. Like using a notebook to write parts of a story and pass it around? And it may be hard to understand the limitations now, but they're trying their best. They want to spend time with you to get to know you. They just don't get the online thing. Probably when they were young, they were taught it's bad. So how can we expect them to see the good of technology all of the sudden? Try to have the patience to love them even when you don't like what they do, look through their eyes to gain sympathy, and compromise to earn respect.

I hope that helps.......
 
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They just don't get the online thing. Probably when they were young, they were taught it's bad.
My parents actually first met online I think lol
Also my mother's a stay at home mom, all she really does is look after me and my 3 siblings. But I'm completely independent, since she had to focus on my younger siblings when they were small, and now she wastes SO much time trying to micromanage my life.
If I haven't needed parental guidance in literal years I don't think I need it now. Pretty sure she's trying to make up for all the attention going to my siblings but I've grown to just not care.
 
My parents actually first met online I think lol
Also my mother's a stay at home mom, all she really does is look after me and my 3 siblings. But I'm completely independent, since she had to focus on my younger siblings when they were small, and now she wastes SO much time trying to micromanage my life.
If I haven't needed parental guidance in literal years I don't think I need it now. Pretty sure she's trying to make up for all the attention going to my siblings but I've grown to just not care.

Then maybe that's what you have to do. Learn to care again, find a way to connect with her again. She's only doing what she knows to do. If you only do what you know what to do, get mad, upset, sad, anxious, clamp up, or outburst then she will respond with what she knows. Harder limitations, stricter reinforcement, micromanaging. Someone has to try to compromise, to stop the cycle. To breathe and say, okay, I'm sorry, I don't know how to fix this. What do you think we should do? How do we connect again?

And try something. You may not like it, but you can say that you tried to connect her way. Then ease her into something you like. Make her a part of your life. So then she can understand your boundaries without micromanaging them.

Also, remember she's your mom. She's micromanaging, trying to spend time with you, feels guilty because she cares, and loves you. Have you shown her that you do the same? And if you can't show her, then can love her enough to try to reconnect? To put aside your anger, frustration, and depression to let her in. It will be hard (very very HARD), and sometimes it might not even feel worth it, but it will be worth it to her. She will love it.

Granted, I would do anything for my mom. I was the type of kid who would stay up waiting for her to come home. So I understand that you might not have that kind of relationship with your mom. But I hope you can grow and create that type of relationship.
 
Re-posted and edited from RPN.

I've run out of effective coping methods, and I've fallen back into a depressive episode. Again. Yet again. I have no words for how done I am with everything right now. My cell phone is basically useless, I can't call anyone because the reception's that bad. I can text... BUT it takes up to an hour to receive messages and just as long to send them, and sometimes it doesn't send at all even after like 5 retries. Talking to my senpai is the only way I keep myself sane and now I can't even do that. Not to mention I can't have chocolate, I'm a stress eater who almost always goes straight for the chocolate to dampen my sadness but NO, I guess I'm allergic somehow and now I have to AVOID chocolate.

Role-playing is my main coping method, and one of the very few that actually work. Buuuut nobody will respond to any of the various rps I have going on rn. My interest checks are just empty, complete wastes of time. I don't even have the energy to compose any sort of collected thoughts to post on my vent thread. I just want this to end. But OF COURSE I can't just end it myself, I have a girlfriend now, she truly loves me and I can't do that to her. I felt like I was trapped in this miserable life before, well now that feeling's multiplied by like 100. I, quite bluntly, don't care about myself anymore. I'm afraid of pain so I won't actively self-harm, but there's a few forms of passive self-harm I constantly engage in to make myself feel better... like blaring music through my headphones too loud or stress eating, or not eating, or not sleeping...

I feel just... ugh. Awful. That's the only way I can describe it. I often describe bad days as "want to die" or "want to disappear", well today's a "somebody please murder me right now except no I'm still afraid". The good days - no wait, I never have entire good days. I mean the good moments - are just enough to make me want to live. To BARELY give me the will to SUFFER through another day in this hell just so I can see her smile again, just so I can read the "I love you" text at the end of the day.

Crona was right; hell IS inside your head. Except I've trapped myself in the hell inside my head, and everything stresses me out so I just become more and more introverted until I'm in complete self-isolation. I'm in complete self-isolation, and not because of covid. Crona had a little safe circle, well I have a whole fortress, and I've locked myself inside and forgotten where the key is, except the key is broken into 20 pieces buried all over the Earth, and I accidentally trapped the pain in with me instead of keeping it out. That's how this feels. These are depths of depression I've never once sunk into before. And I just keep sinking. There's so much pain and stress weighing down on me, dragging me down deeper and deeper. The hell inside my head just grows into a twisted labyrinth with no exit so I can never escape, no matter how hard I try it's all useless.
 
I'm at that point where I want to change myself again. Sometimes I willingly change my personality. Or rather, I stop acting out fake/altered personas and become myself for a while, tricking my family into thinking it's "just a phase" until I can bear smiling again.

I want to cut my hair short again, in short choppy layers that stick out all over the place, I want to bleach it and dye it some ridiculous shade of red or even black. I want to dress in all black, just sweatpants and a hoodie, whatever's comfortable. I want to just give people tired looks and tell them to screw off instead of smiling and talking to them. I want to get B's and C's at school, what I can naturally achieve, instead of forcing myself to study hard and get A's. I don't want to worry about my future.

I want to be me. Not Amatsu, not Sakura, not any of the other stupid personas or names I have. I want to be Kuroi. Kuroi (aka Kuro) is my true personality, and as some of you may know, is characterized by being a depressed, selfish, and nihilistic loner.

I just want to live before I die, whether it be by my own hand or some freak accident.
 
I feel like the only person im really myself with is @catradora partly because she isn't as crazy as my other friends (not to say she isn't XD). I usually make quite crazy friends, so I adopt the sensible role, but i'm not sensible and I dont wanna be. I wanna be myself, and I respect that you do too. But I know smiling can be hard but sometimes its what people need, like you and your girlfriend, you need her smiles and hugs right? dont get me wrong, dont give people what they want before you give yourself what you want.
I dont know if this is crap advise but here it is :emoji_sweat_smile: Your amazing and I love you platonically!!!
 
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Seconded. :)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you said you tried therapy before, but it didn't work. If so, I'd encourage you to try again, find the top-rated councelor in your area and maybe try talking with them.
I'd also try going on Reddit and reading about people who are in a similar situation. Maybe you'll learn some new coping techniques. I think they have subreddits specifically dedicated to depression, suicide, assbergers, etc. Reading posts on people who are or have gone through worse or similar is comforting, because it lets me know I'm not alone, and that there's hope.
 
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I know smiling can be hard but sometimes its what people need, like you and your girlfriend
I know, and I try really hard for her, but sometimes everything just becomes unbearable. One of the things I tried to deal with this was making a list of "reasons to live", since it'd help me remember what I'm fighting for, but... it didn't really work. I've just had to watch those reasons decrease in number and significance, and I'm down to about two; my precious angel and my promising talents. But those two things are important enough that they keep me tied to this life, so I guess they're enough...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you said you tried therapy before, but it didn't work. If so, I'd encourage you to try again
I have tried talking with various counselors, but didn't really get along with any of them. I also couldn't tell them everything that was bothering me. I have a weird mental block when it comes to things like that; if I think there's even a chance it'll get me in trouble, make someone concerned about me, or set off any chain of events that may change my everyday life, I can't and won't say it. I always lied on those little survey things (where they ask if you've ever attempted suicide, had suicidal thoughts, etc) and just said "no" across the board.

I'm trying to get in with a new therapist soon, and I'll be more honest this time. Mainly because idgac what happens to me anymore. I know my parents will be horrified by what actually goes on inside my head, and I don't really believe they can do anything to help, but I'll try.
 
I also couldn't tell them everything that was bothering me. I have a weird mental block when it comes to things like that
I relate to this part. When there's been some massive blow up about one thing or another and im super upset, I find I cant actually speak to anyone when they ask...? Its really hard to explain.
 
First of all, being an ambivert on lockdown.
Sometimes I act introverted, sometimes I act extroverted. That means sometimes I'm happy to be at home and play video games and browse the internet, but sometimes I suddenly get hit with that "I NEED to talk to somebody NOW". This results in huge mood swings and constant conflict between "leave me the hell alone" and "I need to see somebody right now". It really sucks.

Second, dealing with depression. (This is some really personal stuff)
The virus, shutdown, lockdown etc is bad enough without having depression on top of that. Oh, AND having a behavioral disorder that just screws me up even more (I was diagnosed with ADHD and then high-functioning autism later). I'm not on medication, I'm not seeing my therapist, can't even talk to my friends who kept me going this long. AND my mom is constantly making it worse without even realizing that, and because of all the aforementioned stuff I have a fear of confrontation so I CANT EVEN TELL HER WHATS HAPPENING.

I honestly feel really attacked whenever she talks to me about this kind of stuff, because it's all "you need to get help" when her idea of "help" is the opposite of helpful for me. Getting evaluated for mental illnesses, going on medication, all of that just increases my anxiety. I have to pretend to be happy around my family or it'll make things worse. My best friend is currently out of town and can't talk to me. The only people I can talk to now are random people on rp forums like STC...

The song Abstract nonsense could give you a better idea of how it feels for me.

I've been lonely, depressed, and suicidal for about 2 years now. I haven't attempted to hurt/kill myself yet only because I'm still afraid of further pain. But I have attempted to run away from home 3 times in 2 different states. My grades are dropping and I'm going into high school. I have no motivation to do basically anything.

And there's this girl I really love and I don't want to upset her. Just the very idea of making her cry brings tears to my eyes. And not to mention my little brother... Actually crying as I write this btw

I've turned back to role-playing as sort of my last resort to keep my sanity and hopefully see the end of this crisis. But I just keep feeling more unstable with every passing week, and at this rate... I don't even want to think about the outcome. I hardly sleep anymore, I've been getting up earlier and earlier. I think I might be addicted to coffee at this point too. I keep singing those really angry screaming rock songs until I ruin my voice, over and over and over because it's all I can do. While rping helps a bit, it's a temporary relief.

I just really don't know what to do.

Aw honey.... I just want to reach through the dimensions and give you a HUGE hug. I totally understand exactly what you are going though. I also suffer from depression disorders among many other issues. I never considered suicide but there were thoughts of wishing I hadn't been born, wanting to run away or just disappear all together. My mother didn't help the situation any either and still doesn't. I was a freshman in high school when we found out I have depression. Back then it was called Manic Depression. Now I don't know what it's called. I graduated in 1998. I am 41 now, a wife and a mom. Things get better, things get easier once you are older and can get away from the ones that make your symptoms worse. Writing is a good way to let go of depression and get lost in another world with Role play. I found what helped me was writing in a diary. I also write poetry and short stories. If you need a listening ear please don't hesitate to message me. If you have Discord or Skype PM me and I can send you that info and we can chat there too.

sending hugs Annie.
 
If you have Discord or Skype PM me and I can send you that info and we can chat there too.
I don't, but thanks for the offer.
Role-playing has made things a bit more bearable, I also have a loving and supportive gf now who's helping me through it. I can see her again in about a week, so super excited about that!
 
I'd also like to give a huge thank-you to everyone who's responded to this thread with your own stories and your support. It does make me feel a bit better that others understand what I'm going through.
Thank you all so much!
 
I really think my family hates me now. Everything they say and everything they do hurts me. If they don't realize, they must be blind, or maybe I'm just that good at hiding the pain?
Even when they say "this is fair" and that they love me, I can't bring myself to believe it. They don't love me and never did.
Or I might be delusional and all of this is just in my head. But even then, there's a bigger problem, isn't there?
4 more years. 4 more years before I can move out. 4 more years before I can cut them out of my life forever. 4 more years in hell. 4. more. years. of. suffering.

... how the hell am I going to survive that long like this?
I just want to escape, but even death would provide no relief. The guilt of what would happen is enough to keep me from truly considering it.
I just want the pain to stop.

And yes, I wrote this while crying, for anyone wondering. Which is nobody because nobody cares.
 
Which is nobody because nobody cares.

“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

No matter what, someone loves you. Always has and always will. So, no matter whoever should or doesn’t love you, someone will. Someone will always love you.
 
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