"Locked in the Cellar" Horror story (Link to narrated version in the bottom)

Dr. Creepster

New Member
The story you are about to read is written while I am hiding in my cellar from whoever is in my house. I've got no signal, so I can't call the police. But I hope that this text at least will clarify what have happened... If I won't be able to.
For you to be able to completely understand the situation, I will have to give some background information I am 20 years old, and I have been working as a waiter for a couple of years. The wage is okay and I manage to get a good amount of tips.
I have lived in England my entire life, but recently moved to a new city due to a rather bad breakup with my former boyfriend, whose name is Matt. We broke up due to him having anger issues, which suddenly appeared after a series of events.
The new surroundings were good enough. I got a new job quickly, and seemed to be settling in fine, even though I didn't know that many people in the city apart from the ones I met at work.
The house I have managed to rent is definitely not one of the fancy kinds, but it was the only thing that I could find at a reasonable price on such a short notice. The house itself is not that big, and consists of a main room, which contains a living room with an ”open kitchen”. There is a door to the cellar on the right side of the room, and a slim hallway leading to the bedroom and toilet, on the left side. The cellar is not really a big deal. It is rather small, and is mainly filled up by the laundry machine and the dryer.
Now, lets get to how I ended up here.
About 2 weeks after I started on my new job, I was beginning to know the regulars at the restaurant, which made the job a bit more entertaining, because you could converse easier with the people.
One day a guy, who usually comes for lunch, walks up to me and asks:
”Hey, I know this is a bit weird. But do you know that guy who is staring at you from the street? He should be standing right behind me on the other side of the road.”
I found the question rather odd and peaked over his shoulder to see if there was anybody who I would know. But there wasn't. Instead, what I saw on the other side of the street shook me a little. There was a guy, seemingly in his mid 20's, who was just staring at me. He wasn't big at all, and seemed like he had not eaten in days. He was about 176cm tall, very skinny and looked like my brother would look like after a weekend of lan partying. I quickly looked back down to not give any response to his staring.
Then the guy at the counter said:
”I will take the look on your face as a no.”
I nodded. ”No, I don't know the guy, but he is probably just tired and staring into the air.”
”I doubt that” The guy said. ”He has been there for the past 3 days. Now I don't want to scare you, but it seems like he is just staring at you. I think you should tell your boss to keep an eye out for that guy. He could just be drunk or tired, but to be on the safe side take a cap home tonight.”
He put some money on the counter and walked back to his lunch. I looked at the money and grabbed them without hesitation. At least it would be a good tip if a decided to walk home anyway.
In the corner of my eye, I could see that the guy was still standing on the other side of the road. But I didn't want to give him any sign of attention, so I just kept going on with my job.
After some hours I was doing the last cleaning before my shift ended. I looked outside to see if the guy was still there, but I could not seem to spot him outside. I went behind he counter and said bye to everybody and went outside. It was not the best weather, but at least it wasn't raining. I decided to walk home and save the “cap money” which a got earlier. That money could be my dinner some other day.
I walked for about 7 minutes before feeling a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was. The guy from earlier was standing right behind me, but seemed in shock after I had turned.
“H-h-hello” He said.
Now... I am only about 1.65 cm and weigh about 46 kg, which was the reason for why I would always be extra careful when being approached by someone whom I didn't know. Especially when they have been staring at me for 3 days. But I convinced myself to be polite to the guy. He didn't seem to be in that good shape and I reckoned that I would be safe here in the middle of the street.
“Hey there... are you alright?” I asked him with a friendly tone.
He seemed even more nervous than before after my question and gave me a little confused look followed by a long period of silence.
“Y-y-you are new around here, right?” he managed to get out of his mouth. Clenching his fists to stop them from shaking.
“Yeah, I moved to this place not that long ago.” I answered.
He looked around and didn't seem to know how to keep the conversation going. Then he finally said:
“You live just down this road, right?”
Now this is where I really began to feel uneasy. I didn't really know how to respond to his question, so I just began backing off.
I could tell from the looks on his face that he was beginning to panic as I stepped away from him. He stepped forward, and I turned around and bolted out of there. Just at the moment I turned I swear that I felt a hand scraping the outside of my clothes. I got home, unlocked the door, slammed it shut and looked out the window to see if the creep had followed me home. Fortunately he wasn't out there.
Many would say that it is stupid to run back to your house when you are being chased, but I was in panic and didn't think about anything else than getting behind a locked door.
I closed the curtains, so that he couldn't spot me from the street.
I threw myself on the couch and began watching some Netflix. After some episodes of “Narcos” I shut the computer and started wondering if I was too harsh on the guy. He could have just been nervous about talking to people and therefore seem like a creep.
I didn't really get that much time to think about it before I got a message on my phone. It was a text from my ex boyfriend’s sister, whom I have always been fond of. The text said:
“Hey Julie. I know that we haven't spoken in some time, but I feel like I need to tell you that Matt has been applied to a mental health institute. He became even more aggressive after your breakup, so therefore we got help for him. He is diagnosed with schizophrenia. I know that this is no excuse for what he has done. But I just wanted to let you know that he is working on it.”
Great, I thought. Now there are two lunatics in my life. I didn't answer the text and decided to go to bed.
When I woke up the next morning it was misty outside. I normally love that kind of weather, so I went over to my window to enjoy the view of the street. But as I approached I saw a figure standing on the other side of the road. I took a step further towards the window to get a better view, and realized that it was the same guy who had approached me yesterday, that was standing outside my house. I was honestly freaked out and I needed to be at work in about an hour.
I called one of the other waiters from the restaurant and asked if he could pick me up for work today. Thankfully he said yes, and said the he would be here in 40 minutes. Honestly I would rather meet an hour early at work than being in a house with someone just staring in from the outside.
I used the time to call the police to hear if there was anything that they could do. They said that they couldn't do anything unless he actually committed a crime, but that I should call them if this continued so that they could have a talk with him. I was a little disappointed about the response from the police, but I didn't really expect that they could do anything.
The guy from work finally arrived. I looked outside to see if the creep was still outside, but thankfully he wasn't. I got out, locked the door and ran towards the car.
“Why in such a hurry” my coworker asked.
“I just thought that it was cold outside, and wanted to get to the car faster.” I said. Not the best excuse, but it seemed to work.
The whole day I didn't spot the creep at all and I honestly felt relieved. After work I asked if my coworker could drive me home. It was raining and I didn't feel like getting home soaking wet. He said that he was in a hurry, but could drop me off real quick.
As we drove down the road leading towards my house, I looked around to see if the creep was still around. But I couldn't spot him anywhere.
We got to my house and my coworker dropped me off and drove away really quickly. The rain was beginning to get stronger, so I quickly made my way towards the door while trying to locate the key in my pocket.
As I approached the door I hear something from the corner of the house. I turned my head and saw Mr. Creep sprinting around the corner towards me. I completely lost focus of everything and reached for the door handle, opened the door and locked it as fast as I could.
Right after I locked the door I heard the guy running into the door with a force I would not have thought possible for a guy of his size. He began frantically ponding the door and screaming in a tone I’ve never heard before. I would nearly call it a screeching. At this point I just stood there looking at how the hinges of the door managed to keep the door in place.
Suddenly I saw his face in the window beside the door. His facial expression was like something I will never be able to describe in my life. He began hitting the window while looking at me. Blood began emerging from his hand, which he had mutilated by banging the door so hard.
I screamed in panic and was about to run to my room and lock the door, when he suddenly yelled:
“There is someone with a knife!”
I stopped dead in my tracks as a feeling of dread swept through my body. The door was unlocked when I got back.
Before I could even think the scenario through a figure appeared from the hallway, holding a knife in his hands. I screamed.
The figure before me was Matt. And he was definitely not recovering. His expression was malicious and his eyes burned with hatred.
I stumbled backwards and landed on my back. I couldn't move.
Matt moved closer and a grin formed on his face.
I was about to accept my fate when suddenly the door flew open. It was the creep who had bursted into the door with a force that had destroyed the wood around the lock.
Matt's grin disappeared and his face showed utter rage towards the intruder.
“Who do you think you ar...”
Before Matt could finish his sentence the other guy had tackled him.
I had crawled backwards and was leaning up the door to the cellar. I thought about running for the broken door, but before I could even make a move Matt had gotten the upper hand and was coming at me. The other guy grabbed his leg and caught Matt's attention again, but Matt would still be able to reach me if I tried to make a run for it.
My body went into autopilot and before I realized what I was doing I was locking the cellar door with my key.
I stood in complete darkness and listened to what sounded like a massacre going on behind the door.
Suddenly... it stopped.
I am not sure what has happened, but I am too scared to unlock the door to figure it out. I have been sitting here for what seems like hours and no one has come to my rescue even though the door has been rammed in.
I just hope that I get my connection soon.
This text was found on a cellphone in a text message, which had not been sent. 1 body was found at the crime scene, but the owner of the cellphone is still missing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KytRUGw2_GM
 
I think this is a really cool story and that there's a lot of promise in the general plot. It's structured with a clear beginning, an end and a middle which is a good start. There are some key issues which I think you should work on resolving, though.

On a broad scale, I think the idea of Matt having schizophrenia is problematic. In my opinion, you need to do a little bit more research as Schizophrenia is a very stigmatised disorder and Matt's aggression and violence are not actually hallmarks of schizophrenia. One way of getting around this is to rewrite the piece from Matt's perspective: explore his paranoia and delusions and portray the violence as a response to him not getting medication and therapy, and also consider examining some of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia (these are behaviours that are present in someone who is neurotypical but aren't present in someone with schizophrenia). Perhaps Matt asked your protagonist for help and she blew him off.

Another thing to focus on is Mr Creep's purpose in the story. Is he trying to help the protagonist avoid Matt? Or is he a genuine creep? This is unclear. If it's the former, you need imply this more in the story. I think you've got one too many characters to keep a handle on - perhaps you could merge his role with the regular customer's role. Additionally, what happened at the very end: where did your protagonist go, were they alive, and which one was the dead body? You don't need to answer these in the text, but as the writer I think you need to be aware of the answers to these questions.

Onto a more general point about your writing: I think the end is really cool, but that the meta-fiction needs to be prefaced by a beginning. (For Example: 'Item Phone. Rectangular. Five-inch screen, cracked. Entry code: 2020.') I also think that although this is a text from someone in a state of panic, there are things worth omitting, particularly in your opening exposition. The information about the protagonist being 20 isn't necessary to the story, nor is her living in England (side note: we don't actually tip in restaurants very often in England beyond a 'keep the change'; minimum wage is higher than it is in America and we also include a service charge on most restaurant bills). Try and cut down this kind of information. Things you can expand are descriptions: I don't get a lot of atmosphere from you telling us that the protagonist is 165cm and 45kg, but if you had described her as 'slight and quite pretty', I'd understand more about her.

Final point - a little proofreading wouldn't go amiss!

I know this seems super critical, but that's actually a good thing! It's really hard to give criticism on a story with no potential because there just isn't any substance to it. There's lots of substance to yours, but it needs some work - and that's good! I bet your next draft will be excellent, and the one after that even better!
 
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