Translucent mirrors. Ekphrastic piece: The Other- Lauv

[Chobochi]

Watching the wind encase each of her loose wavy strands was intoxicating.
I stare into a pair of empty cerulean eyes, like the shadow cast over my desk from the dull white pills I force myself to indulge in for the sake of those “who love me”.
In an empty glass casket that is decorated with blood red roses lay a girl i've never met before. She is stripped of that she loves and is forced to fake a being someone who she cannot condone the actions of.
Empty tears drip down the faces of absolute strangers.
Strangers that I knew.
Familiar strangers.
I once knew all of these people, but somehow I have transgressed to a world where nothing is the same, where all that is left is the progression of goodbye, and I am trapped here. Trapped with a man walking behind me projecting life onto a screen, forcing me to partake in a game that I have no interest in. In spite of that, I’ll face each day as an actor with a glass mask, clouding my vision with a distorted reality.

-chobochi

 

[AMVabel]

This is very deep, and if you don't mind my saying so, I almost wonder if it's too deep. I think that if you're going to practice ekphrasis, you need to start really precisely. Maybe even start with one specific object or even a specific aspect of an object. Here, it took me a few reads to understand the setting and I'm still unsure of the cohesion between the first two sentences and the rest of the piece. A little nitpick is that there's a section towards the beginning where you use the word 'empty' as an abstract concept three times in four sentences - maybe you could rewrite those and elaborate on what you mean exactly by "empty" - what makes the eyes seem empty and why are the strangers' tears empty? Answering those questions would really enhance the piece. Also be careful of is losing sense amidst your efforts to be evocative: "In an empty glass casket [...] lay a girl" - you need to be careful here, because that casket isn't empty if she's inside! Finally (I feel so mean, I'm sorry!), I think it's important to note that your first person narrator is not omniscient; they cannot switch into someone's mind and know exactly what they think and feel, especially if they haven't met that person.

There are some really good things about this piece. You're obviously a thinker, which is nice. I also find the middle section ("Empty tears [...] Familiar strangers.) compelling. If you were to write an ekphrastic piece specifically focusing on that crowd of strangers, I certainly wouldn't have any objections.

 

[Chobochi]

This is very deep, and if you don't mind my saying so, I almost wonder if it's too deep. I think that if you're going to practice ekphrasis, you need to start really precisely. Maybe even start with one specific object or even a specific aspect of an object. Here, it took me a few reads to understand the setting and I'm still unsure of the cohesion between the first two sentences and the rest of the piece. A little nitpick is that there's a section towards the beginning where you use the word 'empty' as an abstract concept three times in four sentences - maybe you could rewrite those and elaborate on what you mean exactly by "empty" - what makes the eyes seem empty and why are the strangers' tears empty? Answering those questions would really enhance the piece. Also be careful of is losing sense amidst your efforts to be evocative: "In an empty glass casket [...] lay a girl" - you need to be careful here, because that casket isn't empty if she's inside! Finally (I feel so mean, I'm sorry!), I think it's important to note that your first person narrator is not omniscient; they cannot switch into someone's mind and know exactly what they think and feel, especially if they haven't met that person.

There are some really good things about this piece. You're obviously a thinker, which is nice. I also find the middle section ("Empty tears [...] Familiar strangers.) compelling. If you were to write an ekphrastic piece specifically focusing on that crowd of strangers, I certainly wouldn't have any objections.

Thats not mean at all, it's exactly what my creative writing proffesor said. I'm not really a fan of this poem but I'm knew to the site and I wanted to get something posted, thanks for the comment I always appreciate feedback.

 

[AMVabel]

I totally understand that, it's always hard to bridge that gap - I haven't had the guts to post anything of my own yet, so you're a step ahead of me!

 

[Chobochi]

I totally understand that, it's always hard to bridge that gap - I haven't had the guts to post anything of my own yet, so you're a step ahead of me!

You should just post something man ! I'm working on a better version of this, I'd love to get ur feed back on the edited version.