Vacillation (1x1 Mamoru and Avery)

"It was something you clearly liked." Edmund didn't know if such an observation should have left him feeling abashed or not. Much like how physical intimacy was new to Oliver, uninhibited emotional expression was new to Edmund. He wasn't reserved, but curbed emotions seen as undignified or socially unexceptionable of his class and gender. To do otherwise welcomed hostility among peers. Though much of that he was already subject to due to being a scurrilous bastard with an unrestrained tongue. Regardless, boundaries were gradually shuddering to dust between he and Oliver. And if open expression made Oliver happy, then Edmund supposed it made him happy as well. Because Oliver was his happiness.

"And here I was, about to bask in your blandishments only to hear I'm potentially bested by a beverage." Edmund feigned hurt in jest before positioning himself between Oliver's thighs. The covers shifted and settled protectively around them, daring almost to knot them in. "I'll have to better demonstrate my superiority to tea then, now won't I?" With a cutting grin, Edmund began kissing a trail down Oliver's chest, gently nipping what skin he could pull between his teeth. He adored the way Oliver's body fit against his. His fingers slotted so well between the dips of Oliver's ribs. And his palms gripped near puzzle-perfect to Oliver's hips. It was in such musings that an idea came to mind.

"Do you want the same as before, or would you be open to try something a little different?" Edmund asked, looking up through the thin of his lashes as he did.
 
Edmund settling between his thighs sent a spark of arousal and a shiver down his spine, the recollection of the feel of Edmund's mouth making him already rearing and ready to go. Edmund didn't really have to say any more and just go straight to business and Oliver would have no qualms or rejections to it at all. But the question of "something a little different" made Oliver willing to hold off on immediate pleasure in favor of this idea Edmund was concocting in his head.

"Hm? Something different?" He propped himself up on his forearms, looking down at Edmund, curious and very much interested. No harm in trying new things, especially if it got Oliver into this sex business a little better. He didn't want to stay a clumsy, inexperienced fool forever. "I'm more than interested in any ideas you have going on in your head."
 
"Well," Edmund drawled in thought, running his hands along Oliver's thighs. There really was no euphemistic way of putting it, and he supposed maybe that was for the best. Though a bit crass, being direct had the benefit of precluding any misunderstanding. Or so Edmund hoped. Oliver may have been new to such experiences, but he wasn't nescient of things that happened during them. Right? "I was wondering if you'd let me finger you as well."

It really wasn't a romantic or even flirtatious way of phrasing it. Edmund could berate Theo with ribald slang and salacious suggestion of how she spent her time with Geneva, but he was reluctant to stray far from civil diction when talking with Oliver. And it was only with Oliver that Edmund did such. He valued Oliver's opinion more than any other's, and didn't want to offend him with something obscene.

"Nothing rough." Edmund promised. "But I thought it could set us on the path to more mutual copulation, where I can get off as well as you."
 
Oliver supposed the bluntness was done as there was no other way of putting it. Perhaps being more vulgar would be pushing it, and sticking with the well known term was safest. While Oliver was entirely new to sexual endeavors involving another person and more than just his own hands, he wasn't new to the terms and definitions associated. He had heard things from court, or from ball room musings, or simply walking by and hearing a lewd conversation. It didn't take long to put two and two together, but he certainly never tried it. He merely wasn't up to the task of trying something he didn't quite know how to do.

Perhaps Edmund knew better. He knew what he was doing, right? There was no reason not to trust him, regardless. The worst that could happen is that somehow Edmund's finger gets stuck in his ass. Well, that was a rather unsexy thought. Oliver quickly erased the thought from his mind. "I.... could try it." He replied, looking down at Edmund, slightly hesitent.

"If it lets us get to a point where you get fulfillment as well, there's no harm in trying it." He confirmed, trying not to sound like he was scared to get a finger inside him, or like he had a lack of trust in Edmund. He just wasn't sure what to expect in terms of how it'd feel.
 
That Oliver wasn't giving permission with either enthusiasm or indifference lead Edmund to believe he'd likely never experimented with himself in such a way. He wouldn't be just trying it with Edmund, but trying it for the absolute first time. Such inexperience was all at once endearing, nerve-wracking, and a privilege for Edmund to change. "It won't hurt." He assured, "But if you feel uncomfortable tell me, all right? I'd talk you through it, but my mouth will be rather occupied." A jest accompanied with a placating smile. Edmund came up to kiss Oliver once more, slow and with reassuring devotion.

"Don't push yourself too hard." he advised softly when they parted. Not everything would come with ease. Some barriers required a nudge to overcome, but Edmund didn't want anything forced between them. He didn't want Oliver agreeing to something strictly for Edmund's pleasure, even if the thought of such was flattering.

"If you find this is something you don't like, don't be afraid to tell me. I'm... versatile." To what extent, even Edmund didn't known for certain, but he'd been on the receiving end at least once in his life and knew that, though it wasn't his preference, he could still take satisfaction in it.
 
Oliver was thankful for the caution Edmund was willing to take for him. Edmund didn't have to, should he want to partake in new activities for mostly his own benefit -- but he wasn't doing it for himself. He was doing it for the both of them to achieve something more mutual in sexual intimacy. And if they both wanted to enjoy a sexual experience together where they both were able to get off? It means there had to be trust and caution with the new things. Oliver appreciated that heavily.

"Oh, your mouth would be talking, though." He said in jest right back. He returned the kiss with a trusting sweetness and understanding of his devotion. When they parted, Oliver looked into Edmund's eyes. "You're not going to be shoving a stick up my ass, so I don't think I'll be pushing myself." He replied, smiling.

He carded his fingers through Edmund's hair, brushing it back and away from his face and its features. "That's a subject for later. Right now, gotta find out if I like it first."
 
"Of course." Edmund hummed in agreement. Oliver's willingness to try new things was encouraging, a kind of youthful curiosity that was philter all on its own. Though, Edmund couldn't help feeling that Oliver's post-climax review would be of his ability and not the new sensation experienced. Such wasn't true, not necessarily, but still Edmund couldn't help feeling that pressure in the back of his mind. It would be his fault if this went poorly. But que sera, you only live once, fuck it. The reward was worth the risk.

"Just lay back and I'll show my gratitude for the lovely coloring you've given me." And after one final kiss, Edmund did as he'd promised. No longer in need of rush, what had been an impulsive and hurried event in the study was now protracted with practiced patience. Slow and steady to the point of almost being sadistically teasing. It was only when Oliver was nearing the edge that Edmund saw fit to penetrate him. Then, by both internal and external means, brought Oliver to climax.

Edmund's cheeks ached some from the effort, and just in giving Oliver pleasure he'd began feeling aroused again, but both would pass. Contentedly, he moved to lay beside Oliver. "So am I still on par with tea, or have I been upgraded to higher standings?" Edmund asked with a lazy smile. Mornings like these, he assumed, would be few and far between, but he could certainly get used to them given the chance.
 
Despite needing to stay awake for the day, Oliver let his eyes slip closed for just a little bit, curling up against Edmund's side and resting his head upon his chest. The difference between the two sexual interactions they had were rather evident -- one rushed, heated, and was a bursting of tensions that had been building for quite some time -- the other, slowed, sweet, and no need for any rush or hurry to reach a climax. Oliver was rather content with both. Each gave him a new pleasure he was quick to become almost addicted to, and were another form of affection they could share with one another. Another means of exploring one another on a new level.

"Are you still hung up about my tea comment?" Oliver replied, eyes opening to look at him. "Since you're so curious to know," He looked away in feigned thought, humming. "...No. I guess you're going to have to do more next time," He teased, a smile on his face. The constant words of jest and of playful meaning were a nice way to see how close he and Edmund have become. It used to be occasional, more informal; now it was pretty much a constant and a defining feature of their relationship.

Oliver's fingers traced around the outlines of the marks he had left not even an hour ago on Edmund's chest, now thinking to himself. As nice as moments like this were, he had a false reality of love with Geneva to now constantly fulfill outside this bedroom. It would only get harder to maintain this relationship as time passes. "Edmund, do you think we can keep our relationship going? Even when I have children to take care of, more things to tend to, and less time to spend with you?"
 
'Next time', could one ask for a better review than suggestion of a repeat performance? Possibly. Oliver wasn't exactly extolling Edmund's ability, but neither was such needed. The raillery, jest, and ease between them conveyed something more intimate than any praise could. Edmund wrapped an arm around Oliver, holding him close as the moment was savored. If only time would stop. But like spring blossoms and youth, it was fleeting. And the levity between them quickly sunk under the gravity of Oliver's question.

Realistically, no. Their relationship wasn't likely to weather the coming years. Much like anything in life, a relationship needed tending and up keep. A fire left without fuel or stoking would eventually gutter and die. And children. Edmund didn't even know where to begin with that. Progeny were inevitable, and royals had less contact with their parents than those of the lower classes, but still they'd draw a wedge between Oliver and him. Another reminder that Edmund was little better than a concubine to the public eye and that Oliver would never truly be his. Never mind that children dealt in secrets. It was their currency and they had a way of sniffing them out. No doubt, whatever child Oliver had, it would know what Edmund was. Would they despise him for who he was to their father? Would they try to exploit their position and order him around like an importunate brat? Or would they see him as something like family, an uncle of sorts? Edmund didn't think himself the avuncular type.

Come what may, there would always be a place in his heart for Oliver. Edmund sighed wistfully. "I don't know." he admitted. "But we can try, right?"
 
Of course Edmund would be unable to reply with anything more than I don't know. Because both of them didn't know how far they could maintain this relationship, for how long they could stay happy together, for how much they could continue to share mornings and nights together but in secret and hidden away. The wedding wasn't a far distance away, and knowing the impatient members of his court, trying for children would be the next step. The two of them could not prevent the jealousy that would stem from spending nights without one another, sharing a life with another, raising a family with another. Oliver would be damned if he lied and said he didn't wish to raise children with Edmund.

He sighed heavily, finding Edmund's hand and holding onto it securely. That was the future, though. It was uncertain but had a very likely outcome -- they would have to split apart. They had time before all of that would occur, still many nights and many mornings before things got more difficult. This wouldn't all end tomorrow, Oliver had to remind himself.

"We can," he replied, softly. "But it still doesn't make it any easier."
 
"It doesn't." Edmund agreed. And he didn't know if anything could. It was said that journeys ended in lovers meeting, that fate would find a way to tie those star-crossed. But no one ever said it would be a happy ending those couples found. Edmund wanted to keep optimistic, but the deeper he fell in with Oliver, the heavier that reality became. They could never be together, not in any traditional sense. And they still hadn't called what they shared love.

Everything was so clandestine and vague, convoluted to the point of conundrum. Things only seemed to tangle further as the web thickened with no solution in site, but... Maybe that was what they needed. More deceptions and pretenses. More threads turning their web to silken fabric. More ties to bind them.

"Did you have godparents as a child?" Edmund asked suddenly, curious. An idea was forming, equal parts insane and inane, and wholly fitting with the road they were going down. "I know I'm not of any station that could hold title to such, but Theo's family has money and could petition to be elevated to nobility and..." Edmund chuckled to himself at such a risible notion. "If she and I married then, maybe we could be your children's godparents." It would probably be the closest Edmund would ever get to being part of Oliver's family since marriage between them was impossible.
 
Edmund's idea sounded outlandish at first. Edmund, a person he considered the love of his life, wishing to marry someone who punched him square in the face because of his sour attitude, just to be the godfather to his children? It was extremely ridiculous to hear at first that Oliver nearly burst out laughing. He kept silent though, thinking, not wanting to just make Edmund feel like a fool because of his first impression of his idea.

But as he kept thinking, Oliver did roughly the same thing. He's marrying a woman he barely knows because he has to, and so he can continue being with Edmund. He's marrying someone he doesn't wish to just for the other's sake, for something more worthwhile in their lives, something to preserve what they have for as long as they possibly can without fear of it crumbling apart in just a moment's notice. As he thought about it more, imagined Edmund being the godfather to his children, the closest he'd have Edmund as a father... it sounded nice. It sounded like the best damn option they had.

Oliver turned his head to look at Edmund. "I didn't have godparents, but it's not unheard of. As for you marrying Theo to raise your station and become my children's godparent..." He smiled, and leaned forward and kissed Edmund gently. "I'd just wonder if you two could handle having a wedding together."
 
A wedding and subsequent marriage to Theo would be hell until they developed a tolerance and functioning partnership. An 'ends justify the means' kind of marriage. Theo wasn't unreasonable. Cut from a different cloth and socially disparate, yes. But not so irrational as to repudiate Edmund. In time, after coming to know one another, Theo and he could perhaps even form something of a friendship under the guise of marriage. It was the in-laws and actual wedding that terrified him.

The Fairdales would see him as an arriviste leech at best as there was absolutely no way for Theo and him to feign affection for each other. Edmund had a feeling she was genuinely only attracted to women, unlike his own rather flexible sexuality. The marriage was bound to be received poorly by her family. They could potentially even disown her for it. But... maybe his and Theo's closeness with the royals, which gave them leverage to gain noble standing, would palliate the offense.

"It'd be a walking disaster, but we'd manage." Edmund assured, smiling upon receiving Oliver's kiss. "You know I'd suffer anything for you." Momentarily his hold 'round Oliver tightened as though worried something unseen would steal him away. "Even marrying Theo Fairdale. But on the bright side, if Geneva can convince Theo to go with this little plan, then you can buy that wedding ring for me after all, no?" He held his hand out, fingers splayed, and tried to imagine what it'd look like to wear such a thing.
 
As they spoke about the possible idea of Theo and Edmund's marriage, it sounded more and more like a good idea. While it would be a difficult time trying to get the marriage to occur and for it to be at least believeable on some front, the benefits started to appear more and more plentiful. Not only would Edmund be a godparent to Oliver's children, but so could Theo. Geneva and Theo were in a relationship just as secretive as they were, and no doubt wished to try and have as close to their dreams as they could. It would come as no surprise if Geneva wanted Theo's part in their children in any way they could. And as Edmund said, Oliver could finally get a wedding ring for him. He won't be putting it on Edmund, but it would signify something and would accomplish a dream Oliver wished he could fulfill entirely.

This made their relationship hopefully last a little longer. Make things more bareable when time grew shorter and focus had to be shifted to beyond Oliver's love life and creating a family. It gave Oliver hope that maybe things won't end with a crumble of pain, jealousy, and something one sided and useless.

"You are ever the charmer with your words." He rewarded him with another kiss, smiling halfway into it. "The more you talk about this dumb idea, the more I like it." He shifted so he then laid on his back, gazing up at the ornate ceiling above. "Plus, we both get the joy of faking a romance. Then we'll be even."
 
Even, but not quite. Because, though both he and Oliver would be in fake marriages, dissemblance wasn't a necessary part of Edmund and Theo's to-be relationship. Where Oliver and Geneva needed to keep appearances for the public and to ameliorate child bearing and rearing, Edmund didn't need to. Perhaps while meeting Theo's family, before the marriage, he'd need to affect affection. But otherwise, they were free to openly loathe each other. And sadly, such displays would likely be interpreted as typical marital persiflage. That was the stereotype of spouses after all.

The chief difference between their marriages, and what Edmund still thought of, was sex. He and Theo would never sleep with each other. It would be the equivalent of putting his dick in a bear trap. It just wasn't going to happen. Not only because Theo was vehemently against it, but because each were loyal to their true partner. Edmund was no paragon of probity and had given in to temptation time and again, it was how he ended up where he was beside Oliver. But it was also because of Oliver that he tempered an otherwise incorrigible nature. Edmund loved him, though had never expressed as much with any certainty.

"You're going to fuck her." He said flatly, suddenly. "That's the fact of it. You and Geneva are going to fuck on your honeymoon while Theo and I are left to the cold. At least I won't be alone in the matter. Misery loves company and all." It still killed him to think about. Probably always would. Edmund sighed softly and looked to Oliver beside him. "I believe I already know the answer, and it's late in the game to ask, but... Oliver," just saying his name still made Edmund's heart ache with something ineffable. "Do you love me? Maybe not forever, or even until tomorrow. But at least right now, in this moment... do you?"
 
Of course Edmund would bring up the one thing that would possibly be the worst part. Just as Edmund oh so concisely stated, he was going to fuck her. There was no pretending the children would appear and he could avoid having sex with Geneva. There was no storks who delivered babies when wished upon a star for, there was no way to have a child be sent to him by his request or demand. He would have to fuck Geneva.

It was at times like this that he wished Geneva better. She would have to end up with carrying a child, having sex with a man she doesn't and possibly will never love and possibly won't love her either. She will have to carry a reminder for 9 months straight that this is the cost to keep her and his own relationships secret. Geneva was a sweet woman, deserving of more than a feigned relationship and an upgrade to her status on the social hierarchy. Oliver would just have to plant his seed into her and go off and enjoy life, while Geneva would have to have more burdens. He hated that he worried over Geneva's well being, too. Wouldn't it be easier to just hate her, to ignore her unless he had to have children. But that wasn't him.

Oliver's smile was long gone. He didn't look back at Edmund, wishing to not look at Edmund while thinking about the inevitable fucking of Geneva. God, it sounded terrible. But the sudden switch in topic was sudden and surprising, casuing him to finally turn his head to look at Edmund.

"I kind of hate you right now for making me think about how much pregnancy will suck for Geneva," He replied, but let out a soft breath. "But Geneva and Theo out of the conversation, yes. I love you," He replied, not sparing a moment of hesitation. He felt there was no need to tip toe around the word. If it is what he felt, at least right now, it wasn't a lie.
 
If Edmund were honest, he never considered Geneva's consequential pregnancy. Sure, he knew how children came into being. That wasn't what he'd dismissed. It was the idea of Geneva swollen and barely ambulatory for the better part of a year that he'd never paused to think of. Never mind the pain and potentially fatal birthing. It wasn't anyone's definition of fun, but Edmund genuinely didn't think it was something Geneva would abhor either. Her femininity had blinded him. Motherhood seemed so natural to Geneva's character that Edmund never questioned the idea of her actually being pregnant.

Mention of such had soured the atmosphere, but Oliver's sentiment still struck a chord with Edmund. Love. Someone in the world actually loved him. A desperate, incredulous part of Edmund wanted to balk and insist Oliver prove it. But something deeper, something integral and reciprocating, knew the truth in Oliver's words. The resonance of Edmund's very quintessence seemed to sing in harmony with it. His chest ached with it.

Edmund chuckled in disbelief. Someone loved him and he loved them in return. What were the odds? "I don't think anyone's told me that before." Edmund said softly, almost a whisper. "Maybe my mother did once. I can't remember. But this I know I won't forget." The feeling welling in his chest wouldn't let him. "Oliver," Edmund leaned over him, a palm on either side of Oliver to support himself. The necklace hung between them, swaying subtly. "Come what may, you've been my greatest happiness." The necklace winked as the morning sun peered curiously in. "I love you too." And perhaps he always would.
 
Oliver wasted no more time dwelling on Geneva or Theo or the inevitable things he'd have to do. All he wished to focus on and did focus on was Edmund above him, the necklace swaying and twinkling as it caught the light, the messy way Edmund's hair was sticking out at odd angles and simply the amount of love he felt for Edmund in this moment. The future was uncertain, unclear. Perhaps Edmund and Theo wouldn't marry in the end, and instead become a godfather without it being said out loud. Maybe after today Edmund and Oliver would never sleep together in the same bed or room due to some unforeseeable event that would come up in the hours still left in the day.

But it wouldn't stop the smile on Oliver's face and the joyful flutterings in his chest and stomach. The two knew they loved each other and now they finally said it. The words had weight in the air, finally had a temporary permanence to them. They were solidified in reality as their lips molded and contorted around the sounds those words produced. Oliver loves Edmund, and Edmund loves Oliver.

He brought a hand up to caress Edmund's cheek, lovingly and ginger. "No matter how this ends, either in death, in a slow crumble or a fast and quick way, I know I will never regret everything I've done with you or for you." He leaned forward and tenderly kissed him, drawing it out, focusing on connecting with Edmund rather than the simple feel of his lips. "I'll only look back upon these memories with happiness."
 
"No matter how this ends" That implied it would end, that what they shared was transient, fleeting, flickering, that something would inevitably come between them. Though whatever that was remained unknown. Be it distance, apathy or death. Forever was only a fantasy, and one Edmund clung to desperately. More essential than air or water, he needed Oliver's love. The very logic of Edmund's being had altered under Oliver's affections and came to require them like sustenance. Ever dependent, thrall to Oliver's ardor. To live without him was perdition. But if that was the price of knowing true happiness, Edmund would pay it when due.

He relished Oliver's kiss. It attenuated the ache in his chest and placated the prickling fear of separation in his subconscious. Nothing would ever be perfect. They would never have the open relationship they desired, but that didn't cheapen what they shared or mean it couldn't last for years to come, maybe even until death.

"Hopefully, there will be many more memories between us to look back on in the coming years." Edmund kissed Oliver's fingers affectionately before sitting up. "Maybe one of them could be today's breakfast. I could have it brought up to you if you like." Because though all he wanted was to lay beside Oliver the entire morning, there were still matters to attend to and a day to conquer.
 
Oliver wondered how his life would be at this point if he never had started this with Edmund. if he never gave him that promotion, confided in him after his father's death, shared a bed with him on the ship. Would he still have gotten into a relationship he knew he couldn't have open due to his sexuality, or convince himself that it was his duty to put his wants aside and marry a woman for his kingdom? Would he just have never married at all?

Regardless of the what ifs, he was glad he went down this path in the first place. He didn't only get Edmund, he got Geneva too. Two loving individuals who understood Oliver and could make this just a little bit easier. His thoughts came to a short stop at the mention of breakfast. Breakfast in bed sounded really nice right now, especially because he wanted to stay in bed even longer. He wished he could have breaks in his life, but the longest he could afford was sleep.

"Could you? Quite frankly, I don't want to leave bed at all right now." Oliver replied. Edmund would have to get a start at the day sooner than Oliver though, but they could still stretch more time for the both of them with this excuse.
 
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