York
Just a newbie...
Authors Note:
This is a 'solo' sidestory, detailing Reiner Braun's inner thoughts post the events of House of M. Something like an introspection.
I'm not sure if this will have multiple 'entries' or just one, but regardless... There's my summary of what it is.
I may make edits and/or updates to this as more of Reiner's character is revealed through the anime, or possibly if I finally lose my patience and read the manga.
Homecoming
I've always wanted to be a hero, someone who's looked up to... Someone who's respected, even before I became the monster I was today.
Maybe that's why... For all those years... I acted like everyone's big brother.
"How many years have we spent away from our homeland?"
I still remember that day... The day we committed an atrocity we could never attone for.
Sometimes, I could still hear the screams of the people we killed... They haunted my dreams and my thoughts day and night.
...
"As our attachment to this place grows, we doubt more and more; what do we have to answer for?"
We were so young back then, we didn't understand what we were doing, until it was already too late.
I thought becoming a Warrior would make me a hero, but I could hardly consider anything I've done as a Warrior heroic.
But even then... My wish to be a hero never went away.
So when I joined the military, I convinced myself I was a soldier... Lied to myself about my goals, my motivations. Pretended I never did any of those terrible things half a decade ago.
In time, even I began to believe in my own lies, blocking out the memories of all the things I've done as a Warrior.
But even then, I was reminded each and every day, that I was living a lie. That wasn't a soldier, nor a hero, someone who protected the walls. I was a Warrior, a destroyer... An irredeemable monster.
"As if we were trying to erase our sins... We were not afraid of any danger. And as we held our breath, we hid our guilty consciences..."
Even when I swore to fullfill my duty as a Warrior, there were countless times I nearly died... As a soldier. Playing pretend in a way, had become another reality for me.
However, a lie is still a lie, no matter how real it might feel in the end.
I was so tired... Tired of lying to myself, lying to the others. Tired of not knowing... What was 'right' anymore.
And so I made yet another decision that I could never turn back from. I was tired of pretending, tired of this facade... I just... Wanted to go home.
...
But even after all of that, even after revealing who I was to the people I once called comrades, friends, these feelings for them wouldn't go away.
I knew I had to fullfill my duty to the bitter end, I knew what I was here to do... But yet... In the end... I failed.
"Those who protect are soldiers, those who destroy are Warriors. But they all risk their lives for the future they believe in, so what's the difference?"
"The soldiers can believe in each other, while the Warriors are isolated, and the only wish at the bottom of our hearts... Is the light at the end of our barren path..."
"We are past the point of no return."
...
It was then, in my darkest hour, that salvation came at last.
A letter, from a woman I never thought I would meet again, someone who I had spilled my heart to at the peak of my sorrow.
The insanity that followed was indescribeable, but all the same... I so longed for a chance to start over, a chance to become someone else, that I lied to myself once more... Convincing myself I was simply a Soldier that wanted to do what was right.
Until I met... Her.
In many ways, she reminded me of a girl I had once fallen for... Someone I had thought of marrying one day, whenever I had myself truly fooled I was still just a soldier.
But yet, she was so different.
Gentle, yet ferocious... A contrast I never thought I would find in a person like her.
There were many traits about her most people might deem monstrous or bizarre, but even though I did not completely acknowledge it at the time, I was no stranger to them.
And in time... When I remembered what I had done as a Warrior, and the lies I had told myself and others, of all the people I had lied to... I could not bring myself to lie to her.
Though I had seen how intense her reactions could be if she knew someone lied to her, it wasn't fear that brought me to tell her the truth, but... A sense of duty, responsibility.
We faced our deepest fears and regrets together, and after that venture came to an end, I swore to myself... And to her, I would never lie again.
I would be myself... For the better or worse.
Of course, our initial plans to go home didn't quite work out, as fate had other plans for us... But... Even so, I was just happy to be free of the struggles that plagued my mind and body.
I no longer have to be a soldier, or a warrior. I can just be who I want to be.
Though I can never forget the atrocities I have committed, nor the lies I have told... Every time I open my eyes... And see her face, I feel as if I've finally woken from a nightmare.
I doubt I can ever atone for my sins in the past... However, I realize now that my fate is no longer set in stone.
Perhaps some day... In some way... I can finally become the hero I so passionately wanted to be.
Now that I'm home... Truly, home.
This is a 'solo' sidestory, detailing Reiner Braun's inner thoughts post the events of House of M. Something like an introspection.
I'm not sure if this will have multiple 'entries' or just one, but regardless... There's my summary of what it is.
I may make edits and/or updates to this as more of Reiner's character is revealed through the anime, or possibly if I finally lose my patience and read the manga.
Homecoming
I've always wanted to be a hero, someone who's looked up to... Someone who's respected, even before I became the monster I was today.
Maybe that's why... For all those years... I acted like everyone's big brother.
"How many years have we spent away from our homeland?"
I still remember that day... The day we committed an atrocity we could never attone for.
Sometimes, I could still hear the screams of the people we killed... They haunted my dreams and my thoughts day and night.
...
"As our attachment to this place grows, we doubt more and more; what do we have to answer for?"
We were so young back then, we didn't understand what we were doing, until it was already too late.
I thought becoming a Warrior would make me a hero, but I could hardly consider anything I've done as a Warrior heroic.
But even then... My wish to be a hero never went away.
So when I joined the military, I convinced myself I was a soldier... Lied to myself about my goals, my motivations. Pretended I never did any of those terrible things half a decade ago.
In time, even I began to believe in my own lies, blocking out the memories of all the things I've done as a Warrior.
But even then, I was reminded each and every day, that I was living a lie. That wasn't a soldier, nor a hero, someone who protected the walls. I was a Warrior, a destroyer... An irredeemable monster.
"As if we were trying to erase our sins... We were not afraid of any danger. And as we held our breath, we hid our guilty consciences..."
Even when I swore to fullfill my duty as a Warrior, there were countless times I nearly died... As a soldier. Playing pretend in a way, had become another reality for me.
However, a lie is still a lie, no matter how real it might feel in the end.
I was so tired... Tired of lying to myself, lying to the others. Tired of not knowing... What was 'right' anymore.
And so I made yet another decision that I could never turn back from. I was tired of pretending, tired of this facade... I just... Wanted to go home.
...
But even after all of that, even after revealing who I was to the people I once called comrades, friends, these feelings for them wouldn't go away.
I knew I had to fullfill my duty to the bitter end, I knew what I was here to do... But yet... In the end... I failed.
"Those who protect are soldiers, those who destroy are Warriors. But they all risk their lives for the future they believe in, so what's the difference?"
"The soldiers can believe in each other, while the Warriors are isolated, and the only wish at the bottom of our hearts... Is the light at the end of our barren path..."
"We are past the point of no return."
...
It was then, in my darkest hour, that salvation came at last.
A letter, from a woman I never thought I would meet again, someone who I had spilled my heart to at the peak of my sorrow.
The insanity that followed was indescribeable, but all the same... I so longed for a chance to start over, a chance to become someone else, that I lied to myself once more... Convincing myself I was simply a Soldier that wanted to do what was right.
Until I met... Her.
In many ways, she reminded me of a girl I had once fallen for... Someone I had thought of marrying one day, whenever I had myself truly fooled I was still just a soldier.
But yet, she was so different.
Gentle, yet ferocious... A contrast I never thought I would find in a person like her.
There were many traits about her most people might deem monstrous or bizarre, but even though I did not completely acknowledge it at the time, I was no stranger to them.
And in time... When I remembered what I had done as a Warrior, and the lies I had told myself and others, of all the people I had lied to... I could not bring myself to lie to her.
Though I had seen how intense her reactions could be if she knew someone lied to her, it wasn't fear that brought me to tell her the truth, but... A sense of duty, responsibility.
We faced our deepest fears and regrets together, and after that venture came to an end, I swore to myself... And to her, I would never lie again.
I would be myself... For the better or worse.
Of course, our initial plans to go home didn't quite work out, as fate had other plans for us... But... Even so, I was just happy to be free of the struggles that plagued my mind and body.
I no longer have to be a soldier, or a warrior. I can just be who I want to be.
Though I can never forget the atrocities I have committed, nor the lies I have told... Every time I open my eyes... And see her face, I feel as if I've finally woken from a nightmare.
I doubt I can ever atone for my sins in the past... However, I realize now that my fate is no longer set in stone.
Perhaps some day... In some way... I can finally become the hero I so passionately wanted to be.
Now that I'm home... Truly, home.