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New User Woodchucks do't actually chuck wood. Huh...

Discussion in 'Introductions & Departures' started by Sark, Jan 16, 2018.

  1. Sark

    Sark Im-im-impossible!!

    Lemme tell y'all something I discovered today:

    Turns out Woodchucks are only called woodchucks because some Pilgrim dudes misheard the name the Native Americans gave to the Land-Beaver- Wuchak, which means digger.

    How did we all get it so wrong? Look at this picture of a woodchuck.
    Now really look at it. Now really look at it. How could something the size of a football throw/chuck a piece of wood- maybe it could flip some bark or a largeish stick, but a piece so large it could be called 'wood'? I don't think so. Unless that little guy is about to go Super Saiyan and blast that tree into the stratosphere, or use its secret mind powers to become a lumberjack, I think it's in need of a name change.

    Let's start a petition: Change the Woodchuck's name to bark chucker, or we'll boycott all wood-based goods. That ort to show the world we mean business

    We know woodchucks have some sort of secret powers though, let's be real. They created the timeloop in Bill 'Senpai' Murray's Groundhog Day- and the film shows them to be able to drive too- and the people of Punxsutawney believe that they own the magical Groundhog named Phil. They practically have a cult worshiping him in that town, keeping his location a secret, dressing only in 19th-century clothing and communicating in 'Groundhogese'-- it's actually rather terrifying. They say that by looking at his shadow once a year, Phil is able to predict the future and predict whenever winter will end. Truly, he is worth a day of celebration and a cult following. I probably shouldn't reveal too much about them though, lest they retaliate and try to sacrifice me to the God-Hog.

    Phil still seems like a pretty cool guy though.

    Honestly can't wait until they try recruiting him to the Avengers for Infinity War- he might become obsolete when compared to the altogether more impressive Rocket Racoon, but I still think that there is a vacancy on the team for a mind-reading rat. Definitely superhero material.

    Although, we shouldn't glorify Punxsutawney's Super-Rat too much- I'm starting to believe that his powers may be a scam. If 'Phil', as the locals call him- who has apparently lived for hundreds of years- can really see the future, where was he when we needed him? On February 2nd, 1942- one of the high points of the Second World War, the people flocked to Phil's thrown, begging him for answers.

    "Phil-san!" They cried "What will the weather be like this year!?!"

    The Generals were desperate to know of Phil's prophesy- if the winter ended early, what would it mean for the war? What would it mean for the free world? Could an early spring derail their plans to send ships across the channel to provide aid in Europe? America, no, the World needed answers.

    This is what Phil's human advisors reportedly said to the crowds:

    "War clouds have blacked out parts of the shadow."

    That's right: the Hog we had placed so much faith in failed to help us in our time of greatest need. We had been abandoned by Phil himself. With him outed as a Swindler, it was a miracle the town's social order didn't just collapse. Its a miracle the town didn't fall into anarchy. It's a mircale we didn't loose the war! To rub salt in the wound Phil carved in our hearts, he didn't even show up to his own celebration the next year, possibly hoping that the controversy would blow over and that the people would love him again (either that or he was planning to sell his weather secrets to the enemy; the Punxsutawney Council is yet to return my email on the matter).

    Sadly, people forgot about that fateful day in 1942. The world moved on, and forgot all about Phil's lies and began to worship him again. Next month marks the 76th Anniversary of that day, and I say it should be a day of mourning.

    I don't know why my first post on this site is going to be a comedically exaggerated hyperbolic rant about Woodchucks, nor do I understand why I am getting so worked up about it. I was never bitten by a groundhog as a kid or anything, so I'm probably not writing out of trauma-- Heck, I've never even seen a groundhog. In Australia, we don't even get them, and if you tried to smuggle one in, Border Security would lock you up in a place nobody would find you. Instead, we get Wombats- which are essentially fatter, uglier, pouched Groundhogs. Now those guys could easily chuck wood. If you guys would like a quick description of the beast, imagine a Woodchuck that had been sat on by a larger groundhog. That's what a Wombat looks like: God Bless the Australian Wildlife.

    I should probably explain who I am now aye. I'm Good Cop Rad Cop, folks call be Rad Cop, and I am not actually a cop (I know someone is going to ask that at some point, but I promise I'm not- I just thought the name sounded cool). I'm just an average half ginger, half Australian trying to get a degree and get a musical published-- once the latter is complete I shall be content with my life, and leave it for the next one with a smile. I primarily write comedic stories, rants (like this one, they won't make much sense) and comics, which I hope to maybe share with you guy some time- maybe I'll start a blog or something. I'm also a massive fan 0f B-Movies and musical theatre, owning 4 different recordings of Les Miserable on CD, and having listened to Hamilton more times than I can count. But that's enough of me: I'd love to get to know you guys and start writing in this great communities.

    Signed, Your Obidient Servant,

    Rad Cop

    Dashmiel likes this.
  2. JessieJames

    JessieJames Dream as if you were dying.

    You make a valid point but I can't boycot wood or I'll freeze to death means it is winter and I would also end up very homeless. :< With that out of the way, what sort of roleplays are you interested in? I see you love the theater but I only have a passing knowledge of the grand stage arts due to my love of Sir Patrick Steward and Hugh Jackman.

    Jessie James
    Sark likes this.
  3. Sark

    Sark Im-im-impossible!!

    Dang, you found the one flaw in my plan- maybe we could just stop chucking things until they make the change? We need to boycott something's punny...

    I'm pretty much down for all kinds of role plays, from slice of life to dystopia. I tend to gravitate more to survival or comedy, but I'll probably end up floating around all genres.

    Oh Hugh Jackman is great- Have you seen The Greatest Showman yet? I've had the soundtrack stuck in my head all week, and I'm loving it
  4. JessieJames

    JessieJames Dream as if you were dying.

    I did see it! I was in tears too much during it. That's a man I never knew had a voice. I need the sound track. :3

    I vote for boycotting chucking. That seems dangerous any ways.

    I have a Naruto based RP if it catches your fancy. Shinobi World. As well as another RP that is slice of life sort Akashic Arcana.
    Sark likes this.
  5. Sark

    Sark Im-im-impossible!!

    Honestly it was so good aye! Hugh also played Gaston in Beauty and the Beast on Broadway, and that's definitely worth checking out. And if you're down for Jackman tear jerkers, check out the 2012 Les Miserable movie. It's sung live, so the music doesn't sound that great compared to te Showman, but its soul crushingly sad. A real heartbreaker

    I'll be sure to check them both out once my account has been approved- I havent seen much naruto, but I'm definitely intrigued
  6. JessieJames

    JessieJames Dream as if you were dying.

    I've watched bits of Les Miserable. My husband loves the play and will often sing parts to me. :3 The Naruto one is rather simple as you don't need to really know the details of that story to get into it. Just be able to do you research on what you want to do with your character. I'm sure you will be approved in no time!
    Sark likes this.
  7. JessieJames

    JessieJames Dream as if you were dying.

    Sark likes this.
  8. Sark

    Sark Im-im-impossible!!

    Thanks, that's really helpful- I'll head on down as soon as I can!!
  9. JessieJames

    JessieJames Dream as if you were dying.

    Sark likes this.

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