How Green Becomes Wood

"It is stronger than what you are familiar with," Dark said, briefly raising his cup, before pushing his hair back where it belonged and taking a sip. "She cannot touch the grounds without disturbing the pattern, which ruins the reading. I am talking about the grounds that will settle at the bottom of your cup. It is another way of fortune telling."
 
"I thought that was tea leaves?" Xander asked, confused. He wasn't surprised Daizi did things like that, though he didn't think much of it.

Alec took a cautious sip and instantly spluttered in shock. He wheezed mightily at the strong flavor running down his tongue. Stronger was an understatement!

Xander stared at him. And instantly took a long sip. He coughed and took a deep breath, his face going a little red. "It's not bad," he lied, his voice a little hoarse.
 
"Either work," Dark nodded, and hid a tiny smile at their reaction as he took another sip, unbothered, "Give it time. It grows on you." Although, to be fair, Daizi didn't drink it very often, but she said that much caffeine made her jittery.
 
Alec swallowed hard. "I'm willing to give it... a chance," he said with another gulp.

"It's great," Xander said, cheek twitching slightly as he forced himself to take another sip. "And now I know how to make it for when you're older and more decrepit.
 
"You need to practice before I am eighty," Dark said, fully expecting the twins to make it through their respective cups. His coffee was expensive and he took the time to grind it himself, he wasn't going to waste it, "So that I may trust you can make it well. You may add sugar to your own cups if you need to. To ease in."
 
"So, I have, like, a year?" Xander asked while Alec gladly fetched the sugar.

Alec put plenty of sugar in his and then passed it over to Xander, who sipped a tiny amount after each spoonful until he reached his desired sweetness. "Where's Mama and Ivy?"
 
"Six months," Dark said blandly, drinking his coffee and trying not to weep at how much sugar they were adding. They were ruining it, and did not know. But, it was better than wasting it. "They were going upstairs as I was coming down. Ivy needed a changing, I believe." He smiled slightly, "She rolled over from her back today."
 
"Really?" Alec asked, brightening. "Oh, that's wonderful! Truly awesome! And you got to see it? You and Mama? I'm a touch jealous."

"She'll do it again, I bet," Xander said dryly before taking another cautious sip of coffee.

"Yes, but it won't be the same as her first," Alec stated.
 
"Yes, we got to see it," Dark said, truly happy, "I was glad I was there. I miss a lot, being at work all day. But it does mean we need to be much more careful, because now that she can roll both ways, it means she can travel. And relatively soon, she will crawl."

That was quite something, he thought, staring down into coffee cup. His daughter would be old enough to crawl soon.
 
"How come you sound like a lot of those working mums?" Xander asked, not thinking much of his words. "They're the ones who are supposed to be sad about missing all the kiddo's firsts and milestones and stuff. I thought guys were just expected to not see it. Guys aren't supposed to have much to do with anything at least until toddlerhood. Mums are supposed to be the ones before and after."
 
Still looking down at his coffee, the look in his eyes altered. Some level of softness had entered back into them, with his nap, and Ivy's milestone, and the simple joy of enjoying a cup of coffee, but that fades. Xander had a concussion, Dark reminded himself, it wasn't his fault. Taking a light breath, he answered, "I never particularly cared for what I am 'supposed' to do. I believe you are correct that men are expected to miss those things. Regardless of how involved fathers ought to be, I would like to see those moments." He took a sip of coffee to refrain from pointing out that he had waited just as long as Daizi had for Ivy, that although his pain at the miscarriages did not compare to Daizi's, who had to take the physical parts, and the emotional part of knowing her body was the cause, but he still ached over it. It was still absolutely dreadful to watch Daizi bleed, suffer, and cry, and it was still his potential child who had died. And he stopped himself from pointing out Omar was still his son, he still had to bury his son, and still grieved for the breaths he never took. So of course, he wanted to watch his only biological child who lived thrive. Of course, he didn't want to miss it.

But Xander had a concussion, and it wasn't his fault, "I find it fascinating," he said instead, "to see how quickly she develops."
 
"Huh," Xander said with no idea the kind of turmoil he'd caused Dark. His voice was almost thoughtful as he slowly worked his way through his thought process. "So, guys can want to see that kind of thing? I mean... like, they can want to do the... the mothering things?"

"I am so glad Daizi's not here," Alec sighed.

Xander glanced at him irritably. "I'm using the vocab words I know. I know it's all society things and sexist and narrow-minded, but I don't know better words for it."
 
"There is an old quote: We are all born naked and the rest is drag." He rubbed his thumb against the lip of his cup and then tapped it a few times, thinking. "I do not really know what men are 'meant' to do or be and I am not bothered with it. I enjoy putting on eyeliner, I enjoy wearing nail polish, we decided those are 'women' things, but there is nothing biological about that. I enjoy how I look in a suit, but there is nothing about either the male or female form that makes that more aligned for one over the other. Not really, and I do not think I am 'a man' in the same way that Cooger is, and all I know regarding my existence as 'a guy' is I am a man because I am not a woman."

He exhaled slowly, forcing himself to not put his hand over his side although it hurt, and looked up with furrowed brows, "If my approach to fatherhood seems like motherhood, I do not particularly care, because it is my fatherhood, and so it is mine to decide for myself. And I hope that you, as a boy who will grow up to be a man, will also decide what that means to you, rather than allowing others to dictate it."
 
Last edited:
Xander squinted blearily at Dark, trying to decide if what Dark said actually answered his question and if he actually understood what Dark was saying. He didn't think it answered his question, but he was too brain-tired to pursue it. "Maybe more guys and girls should work part-time jobs so both can spend more time with the kids," he finally said. He took another sip of coffee before laying his head on the table - good ear side down - and rubbing his still softly humming ear lightly. "If guys can actually raise kids."

Which was actually more along the lines of what he was actually asking in his clumsy way. He thought Dark was saying, yes, guys could raise kids, but Xander couldn't remember the last time he'd seen any dad other than Dark actually doing that. Like, really doing that. Not "babysitting" or just being the fun parent. If they were present in a positive way at all. Dark was the first father figure he'd seen who went out of his way to actually parent his kids positively and who actively wanted to be involved in all their lives. He knew Dark wanted Ivy. He knew she was important to him. He hadn't expected Dark to actually treat her as something more than... well, a sort of trophy until she got old enough to really interact with and not just expect Daizi to do the primary rearing. Dark had said things that should have clued Xander in, but seeing was another thing entirely.
 
"Plenty of men do." Dark said simply, finishing his coffee and then collecting everyone else's cups to be cleaned. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't perfectly stifle a light groan and he quickly washed the cups and set them out to dry, "Gay men have children together, after all, and there are single fathers, and there are many others who want... What I want, I suppose."

He shut off the faucet, not really knowing what else to say about it. It made sense why Xander was having these questions, although there was no way for Dark to tell what he was really getting at, but since Xander and Alec, clearly, grew up lacking a positive male role model, he presumed the teen was just struggling with what it 'meant' to be a man. Unfortunately, Dark also felt like he wasn't the right person to ask about it to, since he could not be asked to care about what a man was supposed to be as a gender, he just knew what he liked.

Just then, Daizi came downstairs with Ivy, having missed the entire conversation. She just commented, "What a long day," and passed Ivy off to her husband when he came up to her.
 
"Let me help," Alec asked Dark, but Dark was already finishing up with the cups, and there wasn't really that much left to do. So, he fell silent and found himself a spot to sit out of the way.

Xander didn't hear a lot of what Dark said about others raising their kids thanks to the fact that his good ear was on the table. He didn't hear Daizi come in, either, resting with his eyes closed. He was tired.
 
Dark bounced Ivy on his hip, fixing her hair. As far as babies went, it was a bit long. Not to a noteworthy, uncommon way, but she was by no means bald. Satisfied, he went up to Alec and whispered to him with a nod to his brother, "You should take him to bed. I do not want to touch him and startle him, but he should rest."
 
Alec nodded. "I can do that. Thank you for the coffee." He smiled at Ivy and booped her nose before moving closer to Xander. He edged closer until their arms were touching. Then he lightly nudged his brother until Xander lifted his head. "Come on. Bed will be more comfortable."

"I'm not tired," Xander tried to protest, but he did get up and follow Alec upstairs to their room. He ended up lying down after all and dozing very lightly. Alec stayed with him, keeping him company as he contacted his therapist and arranged for a zoom meeting the next day.
 
"I will get you when it is time for dinner," Dark told them as they went upstairs. He went up not long after, with Ivy, so he could read her a story.

Later that evening, they had a good tasting but quiet dinner, followed by a quiet night. Again, Dark managed to sleep a little, and again he struggled with nightmares, but he woke up before Daizi that morning and wondered how long it was going to last before he didn't feel this cloud hanging over him, how long before he stopped feeling like he wasn't doing enough and wasn't handling it properly? Asking if they were okay was pointless. Of course they weren't okay. Upon checking the clock, he noted it was earlier than he thought; even Ivy would not be waking up for another hour. So he lay still in the dark, listening to his wife and daughter breathe, and as all his thoughts clouded his mind, he inhaled as much as he could and then let it out, quickly but intentionally.

But when the sun came up, he still dressed himself and went down for breakfast, which Daizi had made again, because she did not want her boys, especially not her two worst hurr boys, pushing themselves. They had taken care of her during her pregnancy, she was going to take care of them, now.
 
Alec couldn't sleep. Thanks to his pain meds, Xander was out like a light and sleeping soundly, but Alec couldn't rest. Nightmares haunted him. Dax held him by the hair, sneering at him. Sometimes, Xander was hurting badly, possibly even dead. Sometimes, it was Dark on the ground. Sometimes worse. He couldn't rest! He couldn't escape! They were hurt because of him! No matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, his mind kept circling back to that thought. He had been helpless. So incredibly helpless! Just like when he was a child. No, he still was a child, technically, but he felt he should have been able to do something other than cower in fear. Even if he still lost, at least he could have gone down fighting. But no, he'd been able to do nothing but hang there in his grasp. He was nothing but a useless, girly child. Always had been.

Finally, in the early hours of the morning, he got up and went to the bathroom he shared with Xander. He meant to close the door completely, but it didn't latch, leaving it open just a crack. He stood staring at himself in the mirror. His red hair hung just a little longer than shoulder length, bright red and limp. He reached up and touched it, letting his hand run through it gently.

"Thinking of turning into a girl, are you?"

"Such a pretty thing for a boy!"

"Why can't you be useful?"

"Weak! Do something useful for once."

"Seriously, a little girl would be stronger than you."

He flinched at Dax's scathing voice in his head, but it wasn't just Dax. The voices blended into other voices, one after the other until they were a muddled, single voice. He took a shaky breath, staring at himself. He was scared. So scared. Scared of his own mind. Scared of these men. Scared of what could happen to his family. His friends, even. He was tired of being scared. Tired of being worried. Tired of being haunted by what those men thought. Tired of it all!

Alec straightened his spine and stared at himself. "You... You do not control me," he said sternly, seeing in his mind's eye the parade of disapproving men. "Even... Even if I did want to turn into a girl - I don't, but if I did - it would be none of your business! The hair, the clothes, the fingernail polish... none of that makes someone one thing or another! It means I am enjoying myself! Enjoying things I like! I could even wear makeup! Dark does! He's kind and gentle and patient and tougher than any of you! He takes care of us and suports us no matter what we wear, no matter what we say, no matter what we want to do for a career, no matter what even when we're stupid and say mean things accidentally. He's a real man, and he wears makeup and long hair like me! I want to be like him, not like any of you!" He gripped a handful of his hair. "I like this hair! I like its length! But you don't get to use this against me! It is not a handle! You don't get to drag me around! I might not be able to stand up to you yet, but that doesn't mean you get to control me! I control me! And I say no one is ever going to use this against me ever again."

He looked around and grabbed a pair of small scissors Xander used to keep his hair under control in order to prolong time between professional haircuts. Lifting up a chunk of hair, he angrily chopped into it. Then another hunk. Then another. With each chunk, he felt the past criticisms falling away. They didn't get to dictate how he felt about himself or anyone else!

Xander walked in only seconds later, sleepy-eyed and zoned. He stopped short when he saw chunks of red hair lying all over the bathroom. "What's going on? Hey, what are you doing?"

Alec stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. Half of his hair on one side was nearly gone, hanging or sticking out in uneven chunks. His anger suddenly evaporated. What had he done? What had he done?! He dropped the scissors into the sink with a clatter and dropped to his knees, tears welling up. Stupid! So stupid! Why had he let his anger carry him away? Now he'd ruined it!

"That's a new look," Xander said carefully. He came over to stand next to Alec and looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Hey. You alright?"

"I think I made a mistake," Alec hiccupped.

Xander looked him over and then carefully gathered him in a hug. "Don't worry. We can fix that."
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top