WiZ
Active Member
Here's the rough copy of my first official short story. Feel free to review it and make suggestions.
NOTE: I really don't care how terrible, rancid or hateful your review is. Just give me some constructive criticism.
The Wasp and the Butterfly (Good title, or no?)
He eyed her from the other side of the bar. She looked to be a young woman, no older than twenty-three. She had long, dark hair done up in a knot and held in place by a small hair clip in the shape of a butterfly.
“Excuse me, miss. Wondering if I can buy you a drink.”
The girl was sitting at the counter of The Drunken Fairy, one block north of the 127 bus stop, which ran from Bloor Street to Dovercourt. She was hunched over the bar trying to drink her evening away while strangers approached her and offered to buy her a drink.
“No thank you, I’m not interested.” She would say, avoiding a smirk as they left her alone.
“Wow, you’re looking great.” Another would say.
“Great?”
Yea, that butterfly looks really good in your hair. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Thank you, but I’m not interested.”
The girl looked up from her drink. The bar was basically empty, save for some familiar faces; the morbidly obese woman who had trouble getting out of her seat, the group of hockey fans who would usually be here to watch the game and the bearded guy with the skinny lady who followed him around. They were all starring in one direction, an old television set, the only one in the bar, that was mounted onto a shelf in the corner.
‘Breaking News: Local Kidnapping Leaves 6 Missing’ the television read. Below the TV was the bartender, washing dishes and stacking cups with his back turned to the rest of the bar.
“Miss, do you want anything?”
“Yea, I’ll have another one of these.”
“A Bloody Mary?”
“Yea, that.”
“Great.”
“Great?”
“Yes, great. It’s a great drink for this kind of night.”
“What kind of a night is this?”
“A slow one, really, but it’s bound to be sped up after a drink like this. Vodka, lime, red pepper and some tabasco sauce to top it off”
“Huh, make that two.”
“Don’t crash. And clean up after yourself, will ya?”
The bartender gave her the drinks and left to put her money in the cash register.
“Excuse me–”
“No thank you, I’m not interested.”
“I just wanted to know the time.”
The girl looked over again to see a young man standing in front of her. He was taller than she was, a lot taller. He had a heavy beard and cloudy hair.
“You could look at the clock behind you, it’s a quarter to ten.”
“Great.”
“Great? What could possibly be great about it being quarter to ten?”
“Maybe the fact that it’s almost closing time.”
Her bus was only coming in half an hour. The girl looked down at the floor. With the tip of her foot, she started drawing circles on the hardwood boards.
“What are you drinking?”
“I don’t know. What is this called?”
“That’s a tequila sunrise.”
She didn’t remember ordering this. How long has it been? Two or three drinks?
“I’ll have that.”
The bartender poured him his drink, not two minutes later they were both finished.
“What are you doing here so late? It’s dangerous at this time, you could be kidnapped, or worse.”
“I’m waiting for my bus, that’s it.”
“You don’t have a friend or a boyfriend who could drive you?”
“No, not anymore.”
“That’s too bad, I would drive you but my car broke down, so I’m stuck here until the maintenance guy comes.”
“I’m finished my drink.”
“What do you want to drink now?”
The girl pointed at a picture on the menu.
“I want that.”
“A round of shots, on me.”
“Alright.”
“You’re not from around here, are you?”
“No, I’m just making a quick stop in Toronto. I’ll be gone in the morning.”
The man looked at his watch, a simple circle with a quartz clock and two leather straps protruding from the middle.
“Oh, I actually need to leave, now.”
“That’s too bad. It was great talking to you.”
“Would you like to walk me to my car?”
The girl thought about it for several seconds. She looked back at the bartender, counting his tips beside the cash. She then looked at the six or seven people, she couldn’t tell which, that were huddled across from the television sharing whispers and laughs. What a dump.
“Why not.” She said, taking her hair clip out and undoing her hair.
The two finished their drinks, paid and walked out. Nobody in the bar, not even the bartender, batted an eye. Without noticing, the girl dropped her butterfly hair clip onto the ground as she left.
‘Breaking News: Local Kidnapping Leaves 7 Missing.’
She was never seen again.
NOTE: I really don't care how terrible, rancid or hateful your review is. Just give me some constructive criticism.
The Wasp and the Butterfly (Good title, or no?)
He eyed her from the other side of the bar. She looked to be a young woman, no older than twenty-three. She had long, dark hair done up in a knot and held in place by a small hair clip in the shape of a butterfly.
“Excuse me, miss. Wondering if I can buy you a drink.”
The girl was sitting at the counter of The Drunken Fairy, one block north of the 127 bus stop, which ran from Bloor Street to Dovercourt. She was hunched over the bar trying to drink her evening away while strangers approached her and offered to buy her a drink.
“No thank you, I’m not interested.” She would say, avoiding a smirk as they left her alone.
“Wow, you’re looking great.” Another would say.
“Great?”
Yea, that butterfly looks really good in your hair. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Thank you, but I’m not interested.”
The girl looked up from her drink. The bar was basically empty, save for some familiar faces; the morbidly obese woman who had trouble getting out of her seat, the group of hockey fans who would usually be here to watch the game and the bearded guy with the skinny lady who followed him around. They were all starring in one direction, an old television set, the only one in the bar, that was mounted onto a shelf in the corner.
‘Breaking News: Local Kidnapping Leaves 6 Missing’ the television read. Below the TV was the bartender, washing dishes and stacking cups with his back turned to the rest of the bar.
“Miss, do you want anything?”
“Yea, I’ll have another one of these.”
“A Bloody Mary?”
“Yea, that.”
“Great.”
“Great?”
“Yes, great. It’s a great drink for this kind of night.”
“What kind of a night is this?”
“A slow one, really, but it’s bound to be sped up after a drink like this. Vodka, lime, red pepper and some tabasco sauce to top it off”
“Huh, make that two.”
“Don’t crash. And clean up after yourself, will ya?”
The bartender gave her the drinks and left to put her money in the cash register.
“Excuse me–”
“No thank you, I’m not interested.”
“I just wanted to know the time.”
The girl looked over again to see a young man standing in front of her. He was taller than she was, a lot taller. He had a heavy beard and cloudy hair.
“You could look at the clock behind you, it’s a quarter to ten.”
“Great.”
“Great? What could possibly be great about it being quarter to ten?”
“Maybe the fact that it’s almost closing time.”
Her bus was only coming in half an hour. The girl looked down at the floor. With the tip of her foot, she started drawing circles on the hardwood boards.
“What are you drinking?”
“I don’t know. What is this called?”
“That’s a tequila sunrise.”
She didn’t remember ordering this. How long has it been? Two or three drinks?
“I’ll have that.”
The bartender poured him his drink, not two minutes later they were both finished.
“What are you doing here so late? It’s dangerous at this time, you could be kidnapped, or worse.”
“I’m waiting for my bus, that’s it.”
“You don’t have a friend or a boyfriend who could drive you?”
“No, not anymore.”
“That’s too bad, I would drive you but my car broke down, so I’m stuck here until the maintenance guy comes.”
“I’m finished my drink.”
“What do you want to drink now?”
The girl pointed at a picture on the menu.
“I want that.”
“A round of shots, on me.”
“Alright.”
“You’re not from around here, are you?”
“No, I’m just making a quick stop in Toronto. I’ll be gone in the morning.”
The man looked at his watch, a simple circle with a quartz clock and two leather straps protruding from the middle.
“Oh, I actually need to leave, now.”
“That’s too bad. It was great talking to you.”
“Would you like to walk me to my car?”
The girl thought about it for several seconds. She looked back at the bartender, counting his tips beside the cash. She then looked at the six or seven people, she couldn’t tell which, that were huddled across from the television sharing whispers and laughs. What a dump.
“Why not.” She said, taking her hair clip out and undoing her hair.
The two finished their drinks, paid and walked out. Nobody in the bar, not even the bartender, batted an eye. Without noticing, the girl dropped her butterfly hair clip onto the ground as she left.
‘Breaking News: Local Kidnapping Leaves 7 Missing.’
She was never seen again.
