A random poem that I wrote.

Rachel Rider

Rachel Rider

Smol Turtle Girl
I wrote this for school but I thought it was cool so I wrote it down. I dunno, critique 'n' stuff? Also, when my teacher said we were making poems I was like, "Hmm, should I make a happy poem or one that makes her think about extestensalism?"

Stuck inside
This box of mine
Never to be opened
Till the end of time.

I’m stuck in here.
Am I alone?
I see other people,
But in a box of their own.

These things I see,
The things I sense.
No one will feel,
Kept in a fence.

Nor single thought,
Nor single sight.
No one can see
That is my plight.

Is that the case
For everyone?
If that is the truth,
There’s no other one.

What is that for me
Is this for you
We don’t even know
What is really true.

We know only ourselves,
We cannot reach
To other people,
Beyond the breach.

In this boxed up world
Language, can it show
Things that only you,
or I can know?

It cannot,
Nothing can tell
Things that only exist
Inside this box I dwell.

It's not that good but ya know. Don't judge. ;-;
 
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This is actually really impressive. Not only is the composition really solid, but this is the only school-related poem I've ever seen, (and I've attended a few contests of such) that had an actual meaning behind it. With that being said I don't feel I'm in any position to judge that meaning as my analytical skills are absolute rubbish where literature so I'll just judge the composition. The only issue I have there is that you might want to consider deleting some of the prepositions to better preserve the rhythm. Example: Changing "Kept in by a fence" to "Kept in a fence." Of course, in my case, poetry is only a slightly more familiar concept than astrophysics, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
 
Thanks for the advice! I'm glad you think it's good, and even with a grain of salt, taking out the "by" really does help keep the rhythm. Thanks again:D
 
Rachel Rider said:
I wrote this for school but I thought it was cool so I wrote it down. I dunno, critique 'n' stuff? Also, when my teacher said we were making poems I was like, "Hmm, should I make a happy poem or one that makes her think about extestensalism?"

Stuck inside
This box of mine
Never to be opened
Till the end of time.

I’m stuck in here.
Am I alone?
I see other people,
But in a box of their own.

These things I see,
The things I sense.
No one will feel,
Kept in a fence.

Nor single thought,
Nor single sight.
No one can see
That is my plight.

Is that the case
For everyone?
If that is the truth,
There’s no other one.

What is that for me
Is this for you
We don’t even know
What is really true.

We know only ourselves,
We cannot reach
To other people,
Beyond the breach.

In this boxed up world
Language, can it show
Things that only you,
or I can know?

It cannot,
Nothing can tell
Things that only exist
Inside this box I dwell.

It's not that good but ya know. Don't judge. ;-;
Click to expand...

I think it's a great poem. It's very deep and meaningful. Keep up the good work!
 
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