Prologue for the book I'm writing

Mai_able

Forest Faerie
:emoji_hibiscus: I thought I might post this an get some reviews on my prologue!:emoji_hibiscus:
:emoji_sunflower:I can explain the plot more in-depth, but I'll leave that for after you guy read the prologue.:emoji_sunflower:

Trigger Warning!! Because I care about all the people on this site and their mental health I am putting this as a trigger warning because this is a piece with a murder scene involved, and I don't want to have anyone set off because of it. So if murder scene's set you off, I advise you to please exit this thread.












There’s a world we can never imagine behind the shadows of doors we could never conceptualize to open. When everything else has so despairingly emerged in darkness, her smile can prove to be the savior or desistance to us all.

~The Prophecy





The Beginning of the End [Prologue]

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions. -Shakespeare

It was going to rain soon, looking up the clouds seemed much darker than usual to Gavin. He stared through the first-floor window of a modest, wooden home. He perched himself on a nearby tree and crouched low on the branch, staying hidden, blending into the darkness. Gavin was small, his frame fits easily on the branch so there was no possibility of it breaking under his weight. He hunched down listening to the laughter coming through the brightly lit window. The sound filled his ears, taunting him; how could people be so happy in a world like this? He could never understand. The light from the room looked like the sun compared to the environment he was hiding in. The dining room was bustling with life and laughter compared to the dreary, daunting feeling the rest of the house gave.

The abilities Gavin had gained through his training at the Academy came in handy at times like this, they allowed him to see the scene clearly behind the windowpane. There, at a small dining room table, sat a fair looking woman with silky brown hair plaited in a braid down her back. She wore a blue turtleneck that fit snugly around her neck. On the other side sat a lanky-looking man with bright blonde hair and thick-rimmed glasses. His large velvet sweater was almost like a shell he could sink into. Between the two, a massive wheelchair; seemingly unfit for the small, frail child that occupied it. She had long, dark brown hair that framed her pale face with ringlet curls. Her big blue eyes could be compared to that of an ocean, deep and seamlessly never-ending. Gavin caught a glance of the small family laughing over a joke the lanky men made. He didn’t understand their happiness, then again, he didn’t care much anyway. They were only targets, after all.
The family continued with eating and laughing for what, to Gavin, seemed like a lifetime. When the family had finally finished eating the two adults smiled at the girl giving her a small kiss on each cheek before sending her off to bed. Gavin’s heightened sense made it easy for him to hear their conversations clearly through the glass. The conversation was nearly as translucent as the crickets hiding in the grassy field surrounding the area. As soon as the tiny child rolled herself to her room the woman’s bright smiled disappeared. The woman turned to the man, she looked like a faerie in comparison to the tall man, her expression only grew more serious as the silence filled the air. Letting out a sigh she ran a hand through her hair, “The experiments aren’t advancing as rapidly as needed for continuance.” The man rubbed a hand over his face before answering her, his expression filled with discontent from her words.
“But they are showing progression. Riza sight along-alongside her hearing has already shown advancements that exceeded a normal human’s level. You could call it almost the same as being a Netherworld creature.” The man was frantic as he spoke almost exasperated at trying to convince the woman otherwise. “I’m almost positive- No I am positive that as she grows the results of the experiments will show greater progressions, soon Perci, she may even walk and not need medicine for any of her health detriments.”
“Maybe you’re right Cleric. But, do not forget that we don’t have the leisure of waiting long for results. The time we have for the experiment is limited.” Perci looked at Cleric sternly crossing her arms before sitting herself down on one of the wooden chairs that surrounded the small mahogany dinner table. “We have constantly mixed the enhancers into Riza’s food, drinks, and her daily meds. By now she should have already shown extreme progression, much past what she is showing currently. If things persist as is… I’m afraid Riza and this entire experiment will be terminated.” Perci gathered her hands in her lap and frowned, she nor Cleric wanted to terminate Riza. They had both grown to love her as their own daughter, but even they knew when the time was up, and no results were shown they would be left with no choice.
“Remember she is still young; her body is still in the developmental stages…. Maybe we can convince Margaret otherwise, her heart is frail now Perci. As she gets older, I am certain results will appear. Come now my love, let’s rest our minds and watch a movie to ease your mind.” While speaking Cleric had already lifted Perci from her seat and walked her over to their black leather couch that adorned their large living room.
Gavin took their leaving as his chance, jumping off the branch he silently opened the window connected to the dining room. His dark clothes made it easy to blend into the shadows. He watched as Cleric pecked Perci's cheek before walking towards the kitchen opposite the dining room. Following the path to the living room, Gavin walked the shadows watching as Perci set up the movie. Swiftly Gavin moved behind the couch and covered Perci's eyes. Gavin didn't know why he was hesitating to kill the woman, he was overthinking things. ‘Why was he sent to kill these people?’ The Boss had given him specific orders to kill both the parents and especially the girl because they were considered threats. Though Gavin couldn't comprehend how the nearly broken girl could ever be considered a threat to anyone.
"Cleric, are you playing games this time? Would you just come and-" Gavin had been too distracted by his thoughts and that allowed the woman time to remove his hand from her eyes and turn to face him. He had made a mistake, hesitation was like a snake, and this snake would cost him his life. Perci's eyes widened at the sight of Gavin's piercing green eyes before she could open her mouth to scream, he had his black-gloved hand covering it. Perci tried to struggle free, but the firm grip Gavin had around her waist held her in place. As Gavin slid the knife across the flesh of her throat, he held his gloved hands over her mouth to keep the gurgling sound caused by the rising blood from her lungs. Emotionlessly he watched the life drain from her eyes, a look of terror soon turned empty. The tears that had pooled into the now dead woman’s eyes fell onto the black leather glove. Letting her lifeless form fall from his grasp he watched the blood pool from her neck making the already black couch seem darker. Swiftly Gavin moved back to the shadows after siting the woman upright and wiping the knife on the arm of the chair. ‘One down, two more targets left. I’ve wasted enough time already.’ After a few moments of nothing but the dull sound of repetitive commercials on the TV, Gavin heard the slow thumping sound of the man’s footsteps drawing closer.
Cleric's footsteps echoed in the empty space like drums, Cleric smiled at the silhouette of his lovely wife, the contrasting light from the TV showed her back leaned against the couch. He moved to lean over the back of the couch to kiss Perci's cheek when the metallic smell overwhelmed his nostrils. Cleric froze as panic struck him like lightning, he moved to the front of the couch to get a clear view. Almost like fate was sending a sign, lightning struck down from outside. It illuminated Perci's dead state. Her eyes open but devoid of life, the blood pooling from her neck and mouth coated the black leather and slowly sept onto the tan colored carpet. Cleric stumbled backward as the clapping sound of thunder startled him along with the sight. Turning to run and attempting to keep his nausea down he tripped over his own foot dropping the bowl of pretzels he had brought in the process. His head whipped him all directions as he stumbled frantically looking for any sight of the supposed killer. Crawling across the tile of the area between the dining and living room on his knees and hands, his sight met a pair of small-looking black combat boots. Cleric's vision blurred as his head slowly rose, his eyes were like a deer in headlights as he met the same green piercing eyes that killed his wife.

Gavin only stared down at the man for a moment before his boot met with the man’s chin. It knocked Cleric on his back with a loud thump.
"W-who-"
Gavin gave him no more time to speak as he moved swiftly placing the knife firmly in the man’s ribs, piercing both his lungs and heart in the process as he was trained to. Gavin twisted the knife to ensure the man was dead, he heard the satisfying crack that confirmed it. Cleric lay on the white tile the life drained from his eyes as his blood stained the floor and pooled across the floor.
'Two down, one target left.'
Gavin thought this to himself as he wiped the knife on the now-dead man’s shirt after ripping it from the man’s chest. Down the hall, the soft squeak of the girl’s wheelchair could be heard. Gavin blended himself back into the shadows with haste.
Riza rolled her wheelchair towards the livingroom yawning as she spoke. "Momma? Papa? Are you guys okay? I heard a loud noise from here and thought Papa might have fallen aga-" The smile that had graced the small girl’s face soon dropped. All Riza saw at that moment was red, it filled her senses and the metallic smell of blood nearly made her hurl. Her stomach churned and his vision reeled as she became dizzy from the sight. Before she could process anything she reached out towards her parents, toppling from her chair in the process. The adrenaline from fear covered the pain from her mind as she landed in the pool of blood. "P-Papa?" Riza's ocean colored eyes followed the pool of blood to her father's lifeless body. She began to breathe more intensely as he tried to convince herself that this was all just a nightmare.
As she clawed the tile to crawl and pull herself forward her eyes met the dripping blood from the couch. She followed the drops to meet her mother's dead body draping the edge of the couch. "Mom-Momma?" Riza was too weak to get herself up and run from anything, let alone a murderer. She pulled herself along frantically towards her father's body as she grasped his hand. "H-hey p-p-papa this isn't- this isn't a funny joke....." With each breath, Riza's words became more frantic and loud. "P-PAPA GET UP!" Riza yelled into the empty space, the TV seemed like a dull buzz in her ears. She had hoped by some force of power it would have woke him up. It took a long moment of silence before she realized he wouldn't get up. Riza moved closer and bunched his shirt together in her hands that were now coated in blood. Riza knew she had no strength to lift herself up to reach the phone and call for help. Yet, she didn't cry, she only laid her head lightly against his chest staring into space waiting for the sound of a heartbeat to reach her ears.
There Gavin was hiding in the shadows and hesitating once again, Riza was an easy target, so why was he hesitating. He was shocked, she wasn't screaming or running, she wasn't even crying. Riza just laid on the dead man's chest staring off into an empty space. Gavin didn't notice when her eyes were locked with his, he had made another mistake by hesitating. He flinched unknowingly at the sight of her eyes, she couldn't see him right? He averted his eyes before realizing there was no possible way he could have been seen. The girl never confirmed his suspicions, she never made any noise or movement to say he was there. She was more likely staring off into the darkness.
This frail-looking child was supposed to be the girl from the prophecy? This broken creature who couldn't even lift herself up to call for help? For some strange reason, Gavin couldn't bring himself to move. His gaze moved to the ceiling, in all its grand glory, in the darkness it almost seemed like there was no end. As Gavin's eyes trailed back to the scene before him his eyes met hers once again. He came to the realization that even if he had been able to move he wouldn't have been able to kill her. She looked like a vengeful spirit broken from the torment of her past life, she was covered in blood her baby blue nightgown stained, her hair matted and the tips of her hair dripping with the blood off the floor.
Some part of Gavin wanted this small nearly dead caterpillar to turn into a wasp, for her to live and grow stronger. He longed for a nearly forgotten feeling, freedom. If this small girl could free him from the shackles that chained him to commit such sins he would need for her to live. For once, he was pleased with himself for killing the two adults. He felt as though he had ultimately protected her from death in the near future. As he snapped back from his thoughts his emerald eyes met her clear blue orbs, though she hadn't cried he couldn't mistake the terror that filled her eyes. Even though Gavin had caused such fear he wanted to protect her from everything, including himself. That was the moment he made his decision tearing his gaze from the small thing covered in blood on her "father's" chest.
Gavin moved with the shadows silently as he made his way back outside before running deeper into the forest. He knew that because he failed to complete the mission there was no returning to the academy. Not that he actually wanted to, the place was more of a torture dungeon or prison rather than a school. Gavin's mind had been made before his gaze had pulled from Riza's, he would help the girl complete her destiny and fulfill the prophecy. With his help, he was sure they could destroy The Boss and the academy. Gavin would become her shadow from this day forward and watch her when the time came then he would show himself.
 
Okay, i am in a rush but some quick feedback from me.

Your writing style is very good. It flows well and has a good pace.
I like the way you describe whats happening and create a picture.

I felt the exposition was a bit too forced. I think just hinting at the experimentation on Riza would have been enough, without a lenghty conversation between the parents about how they drugged her and their limited time. I felt like that kinda interupted the rhytm of the story.

What I don't really like, but thats probably more of a personal thing, is rapid jumping between characters POV. I prefer to have a single perspective per chapter.

Since this is only a short chapter i can't really say much to story or characters.

In conclusion:
I think you are very talented and your writing style is very fluid and flushed out. I think the structure of your writing is something you could work on.
 
Okay, i am in a rush but some quick feedback from me.

Your writing style is very good. It flows well and has a good pace.
I like the way you describe whats happening and create a picture.

I felt the exposition was a bit too forced. I think just hinting at the experimentation on Riza would have been enough, without a lenghty conversation between the parents about how they drugged her and their limited time. I felt like that kinda interupted the rhytm of the story.

What I don't really like, but thats probably more of a personal thing, is rapid jumping between characters POV. I prefer to have a single perspective per chapter.

Since this is only a short chapter i can't really say much to story or characters.

In conclusion:
I think you are very talented and your writing style is very fluid and flushed out. I think the structure of your writing is something you could work on.

Thank you for your feedback! The jumping between characters is just something specific for this book, it's easier to explain things more as the story goes on. The characters are really mentioned in-depth because they will be described in the first few chapters.
I'll take the structure into consideration so thank you!
 
So! I have read it all, I love the story idea, I think it is quite a strong prologue. Before I say anything I just wanna say, some of the things I say or comment on that are actaully good and do make sense to you may just be becuase I’m misunderstanding stuff which doesn’t have anything to do with you your work, it’s just me messing up. If that makes any sense XD

Im not sure if this is something you do, but I tend to view things like a movie in my head. And for me when imagining I was definitely keeping focused on Gavin which I believe is what you want? So things from his perspective and not other characters. The only time I left his view was when the mother and father figures where talking but that was still with both characters in shot so I guess technically still Gavin’s point of view. And then when Gavin was killing, sitting the the tree for half the time, and jumping to the window he was in the shot so... that technically isn’t his point of view but the viewer of the movie/tv show or whatever XD and then I had one from Riza’s pov when she was looking into Gavin’s eyes. This isn’t exactly feedback... I’m just letting you know how I invisoned it and if that’s what you meant for it, idk. Everyone looks at things different when they read itXD

Feedback:
Most of my feedback, well I think is about description just beacause of of I view things in my head and I struggle to see gramma and not using the right word or spelling kinda issues

1) When you said the guy rubbed over his face before speaking, was it the front or side of his face? I dunno if adding that makes it too wordy or not though
2) The jumping from the branch to opening the window was hard for me to imagine. Only because I feel like you could add something saying that he landed on the ground and opened the window or that he landed on the ledge to the window if it was on an upper floor so the reader can imagine him and his actions easier
3) You have written that Rita was smiling when she came out to ask if her parents are ok. Though I don’t think someone who might be worried about something like their dad falling wouldn’t be smiling by have more of a neutral face. Obviously I don’t know the character that well yet and I see why you did it, to show contrast, though I think it can be done just as well from a sleepy and neural face to a sad or terrified face.

I have never given feedback before so i dunno if this is any good. There is something else I wanted to add. I’m not sure if you meant this, but the academy’s vibe slowly changes to a negitave one, but Gavin’s doesn’t, his vibe stays constant even when he changes his mind. The academy at first seems good, yes they are getting Gavin to kill people but they taught him what he knows so in a way made him who he is and to the reader, they are rooting for him. At least I think they are. There is a slight hint you give that shows he doesn’t really like the academy in the middle and by the end he is basically going against orders and then thinking about killing the leader. So you have changed the feel of one aspect of the story really effectively without talking about it too much like most people would and only talking about it three times through the main character rather then directly if that makes snese. And that’s really cool

Ok XD this is where I stop
 
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