The days of the detox were torture. More so for Killian but, in a way, just as much for Star. It killed her to see him in so much pain and so sick for so long. She was terrified that at any moment he would just keel over and die or have one last seizure that turned his brain to mush. She made him as comfortable as possible, making sure he stayed hydrated (even if that meant putting in a temporary i.v.) and doing load after load of laundry and constantly sanitizing the toilet, the bucket and the floor when he was in the shower.
Star hated it when he took to sleeping on the floor of the bathroom, but with him so sick she understood the reasoning. When it became apparent he was going to stay there for a while she did her best to make it comfortable as possible by moving out the little dresser and laying down a thin mattress and lots of blankets and pillows on the ground for him so he could be at least semi-comfortable, though...there was nothing comfortable about this.
When it seemed Killian was finally on the tail end of the detox, Star had Aurora bring the kids back. Claire, Mikey and Zach swarmed her upon entering the house. Oh, how she'd missed her children. She laughed with them as they told her story after story of their adventures with Grandma Aurora. Claire naturally brought up the topic of wanting a dog again and they all ganged up on her with the idea. Finally they all brought up the inevitable question of where daddy was. "Daddy is sleeping. You can see him later, alright? For now throw your dirty clothes in the laundry and go play." She kissed them all and shooed them off.
Star had just served up dinner for the children and was about to begin eating dinner herself when Killian shuffled into the room and sat down."Well here I am."
"DADDY!" The screams echoed as all three kids rushed him. Immediately they peppered him with questions of why he looked so bad and when they were going to get a dog and rushed over each other to try and tell him all their stories at once. Star had to peel them off. "Ok, ok. We can tell daddy stories one at a time while we eat." She chuckled, making them sit back down.
Star kissed Killan on the head and served him a large plate of food. She couldn't help but notice how warn and tired he looked, not to mention how much weight he'd lost. Hopefully he'd get it back just as quickly as he lost it. She'd make certain of it.
**********************************************************
"Which area would you prefer to grow in and where would it take you?"
The doctor's question echoed in his mind, and he wasn't quite certain how to answer it. He wanted to be...more. More adventurous, more bold, more loving and flexible, more of a man. Just...more. Where would that take him though? Of that he was uncertain.
Kato pushed open the door to the house and smiled gently at Anna as she rushed up to him, that sad, worried look on her face. He hated that look. She should've been smiling. He nodded reassuringly to her. "It went well I think. I have another appointment for next week. For now Dr. Uri suggested that we do separate beds in the same room so I don't hurt you again." He took Anna's hand and guided her to the couch, sitting her down. "Anna, does...did me being a doctor make you happy? Or...could you care less either way."
Anna was relieved that Kato had some solutions from the doctor and it sounded reasonable. They could still be in the same room and not lose that part of their relationship. So many of her fears were put aside with that one simple suggestion. Then it all blew out of proportion with Kato and his questioning of career. "What are you going on about? I just want you to have a safe job. Being a doctor was fine. Kato, I love you not your uniform, paycheck or job."
"So if I decided to do something different, something still safe, that wouldn't make you unhappy?" Kato clarifies. He was a bit concerned by her reaction to the question. What if it meant more to her than she was saying?
"No Kato it wouldn't make me unhappy if you changed your job." Anna frowned slightly. "Why? Are you thinking about something different?"
"Possibly. I don't know. Uri suggested I wait before making any rash life decisions like that but..." Kato shrugged. "I don't know, Anna. It feels like ever since that day in the games all my previous passions, aside from you, have just...they don't mean anything to me anymore. Perhaps its just a faze while I work through all this, but...if its permanent, and I decide to pursue something different, I just want to make sure you and the kids are happy. That's all I care about. That's all the matters to me."
The little woman took a deep breath and let it out before she said anything. "Then just take some time and lets hope that you find what it is you need to do with your life." Part of her was afraid of what he would choose to do if he wasn't a doctor anymore.
Kato looked at her worriedly. He could sense the tension in her voice. "I've upset you, haven't I? What are you thinking? What's wrong?"
"I'm not mad at you." Anna's voice began to raise and she shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "We aren't the same after that and I'm afraid of what you'll choose to do. What if you don't want to be a doctor anymore? What is it you want to do? What is it that catches your interest?"
Kato shrugged. "I don't know. I really don't. I just know I'd like to do something more with my life than go to work, research come home and sleep. You and kids, you're my life, but I know you want a life as well, which you haven't had much of one since the kids were born. What would you like to do? Would you like to travel? Get involved with some secret organization that will change the galaxy?" He asked the last question a little mischievously.
A slight grin began to play at the corners of Anna's mouth. "Of course I'd rather the latter and I think somehow you might have finally seen the light. Is that what you want?" Part of her knew he was teasing and yet she was wondering if deep down inside he was now serious about wanting more than just being a doctor for himself. She could more than prepare him for this kind of life and involvement if he wanted to get started.
There it was. That beautiful little grin, the light in her eyes. He smiled nodded. "If that's what you want...then its what I want."
Just then the kids burst in from the other room screaming and growling while chasing each other with the dinosaurs. Kato stood and scooped them up, one under each arm and raced with them around the house. As long as his family was happy, he was happy.
********************************************************************
While Killian had been with Dr. Uri, Star had dropped the kids off at school, done some much needed shopping and was now napping on the couch. It was the first time in several weeks she'd had any time just to herself. She woke up when Killian came through the door and sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Hey? How'd it go?" She asked with a small yawn.
Killian looked at Star and he almost wanted to just run away. Taking a deep breath he sat in the chair opposite the couch. "It went fine."
Star nodded. "Did he suggest you to do anything I should be aware of?"
"I can't talk to him so he wants me to talk to you about stuff. If you're willing to do that you might need to talk with the doctor too." Killian dropped his head into his hands. "There's so much...."
Star's forehead knit together slightly and she sat up. "I'm here for you Killian. You know there is nothing you can say that would chase me away or make me think less of you."
He shook his head and rubbed his face before looking at her. "I know. If you didn't run off by now I don't think anything would change your mind. Just there's stuff that I've never talked about and even if I say I can't the doctor wants me to. You're the only one I can trust." Killian almost gave her a pleading gaze. She didn't understand and he couldn't say that he wanted her to and yet he did. "Just don't push. I'll try to tell you in my own time. I can push myself."
Star nodded. "Whatever you need. The kids are gone for a couple hours...so now is probably the best time to talk about the things on the forefront of your mind."
This was what made it difficult. He had to go ahead when he had the time without the kids at home. "I always promised myself as a smuggler I wouldn't have women or children on the ship. There were reasons." Swallowing he turned his face away from her. "Told you I hurt my leg and the smugglers that found me under the crates threw me out." Killian could barely look at her before he looked at the floor with shame. "Never told anyone that I had to let older kids use me for weeks in exchange for food. Its what I had to do to survive and soon as I could put weight on my leg I killed one of them when they came for me. Wasn't just me, they would take the food to try and keep me weak. Only got enough to survive." Letting out a long breath he almost trembled. "Not much more I can tell you about that time. It changed me and how I viewed people."
Star wished he was sitting beside her so she could hold him. Instead she stood and came to on the footrest in front of him, putting a hand on his leg. "How did it change things?" She could imagine, having gone through the same thing herself, but experiencing such trauma as a child would have been far worse.
There were so many questions and he didn't like to answer them. "I...I knew people didn't want to help. Nobody wanted to help a dirty boy sitting in the streets. Didn't matter how I begged. So I decided I had to get and do everything for myself." Killian didn't want to look at her even when she settled next to him. "I could have a crew, but I couldn't control their appetites so I refused all women and children. Yes, I was afraid the same thing would happen and I couldn't do anything about that sort of event on my ship without creating mutiny. Learned the life of smugglers and that's why captain's like myself would dock and let the men go out. Learned it was the best way to protect folk from getting hurt. Anyone that got in the way of business knew it was at their own risk."
Star stroked his arm. "Even after all you've gone through, you still have an amazing heart." She kissed his hand. "Its one of the many reasons why I love you."
"Amazing heart my ass." Killian snorted. "I don't know why you think that." He had struggled since the beginning with what he had to do and she was always trying to tell him that it was ok. "Probably hurt just as many folks doing what I did as I prevented from getting hurt."
"That was the past though, Killian. You're a better person now. You've grown and learned so much since that time. And yes, your life has sucked and you've had to make some horrible, impossible decisions, but you don't have to let those things keep you down. Talk about them and let them go. We have a new life here."
Somehow just letting the past go was a nice idea. "In theory it might work. Past does an awful lot to make us who we are." Killian looked at her. "I tried so hard to save those kids at the game and they still killed them. If they didn't make it to the ship then I failed. No matter what I do I still lose."
"It hurts, Killian, I know. There was no winning that day. But you got me and the others out. That was as much of a win as we could've gotten that day. It's not your fault."
"Damn it! I don't care if you think its my fault or not." Killian finally looked up at her. "Star this is about the fact that they're still winning. Those nobles are still killing people and they still have me messed up. I dream about this stuff almost every night and I'm terrified and angry. I want to go back into the war and I want to make sure the Gillick nobles are destroyed."
Star blinked at him. He wanted to go back to war? "You're in no condition to be going back, Killian." She pleaded with him. "There are plenty of other people fighting.
"Plenty of other people getting slaughtered. The Gillick's want to kill me and all the other Chippeqouti because we can stop them. They pride themselves on their brains and they have and will continue to make fatal errors. If we don't win this war I won't have a home or family to come back to."
"And if you get killed, you won't come back at all." Star's forehead furrows. "Killian, look at you. You're barely holding yourself together as it is. The last thing you need is more violence. There's only so much a person can take and its clear you've reached your breaking point."
Finally looking up he clenched his jaw when she started to talk about what he needed. "I broke a long time ago Star. You can't fix that. I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell you or what is important to tell people. I could ramble and tell you all the things wrong that happened as a kid. All the times I thought I wouldn't make it. Those moments that changed me and it wouldn't change who I am."
"And who do you think you are, Killian?" Star asked solemnly.
Killian rubbed the palm of his left hand and sighed. "I don't know. Do we define ourselves by what we do? What we've accomplished or who want to be? Just wanting to be something is never enough and that only leaves two more areas and if I go by what I do and what I've done then I am a monster."
"Who do you want to be, Killian?" Star asked kindly, her eyes sad.
This question seemed to lead nowhere. Wanting to be someone couldn't make him that person. "Same thing I wanted as a kid only I guess I'll have to change my role a little. I want to have a family. All I want to be is a father, I want a boring job, want to come home every night and I want to make sure my kids are safe. Star, I want to go to the park and watch them play and I don't want to see them worry about what they're gonna eat. Just wanted to be a normal guy and that's impossible after the games."
"No its not, Killian. You can still do all that. Why do the games have to change that? It doesn't. You can and are still an amazing dad, with an incredible wife, with a good home and potential for a boring 9 to 5 job. You just need time to put the past behind you and realize that future is still possible."
Grabbing Star around the waist he pulled her up onto his legs and scooted them further back into the chair. It still hurt a little to have all her weight, but he didn't mind so much. "Nobody wants me for a boring job. They all know who I am and that's what they want. I want to just run security like I did before the war." Maybe the job wasn't ideal, but it was as close as he could get to the boring life and still provide for his family. "They're gonna make me go back if I get better and I won't be cleared to work security again unless I get better."
Star put her hands behinds his head, gently massaging his neck. "Don't worry about that right now, Killian. Just work on you, and getting better. We can deal with the other stuff in time. Right now, I just want you to heal so that you can be the epic dad and husband you want to be." She leaned forward and kissed him, resting her forehead on his own.
It was almost impossible for him to shut off his brain. Killian wanted to have all of this planned out in advance. "What if I just run a private security firm. I could learn about business. Maybe contract out to private homes or businesses." Kissing Star in return he grinned a little. "I'm not really worried about me right now. Like usual it will get better with time."
"Yes it will...but only if you work with Dr. Uri and talk about this crap instead of burying it down like you have before. Alright?" Star's grip on his neck tightens slightly. "Promise me you'll let him help you."
Her hands were almost cool resting against his neck and he took a deep breath. "I told you I would deal with it. This is my best effort. You already heard everything that was on my mind today. Stuff that's been bothering me for a while." Sometimes he wasn't sure how this sort of thing was supposed to work. "Why didn't you see me as a monster? You're different than most folks and you weren't afraid of me. Why?" It had been the sole reason he was attracted to her and he didn't know if there was something he did that he might be able to duplicate so others could see him that way. Killian had always thought that he treated Star the same as he treated everyone else.
Star shrugged. "Maybe because you were the first man I met who showed interest me but didn't try to take advantage. Once I gained your trust you were always protective and made sure I was taken care of. I understood your logic for most of the things you did, even though I may not have always agreed with them and I saw that the logic always stemmed from trying to do what was best for you and the crew. I appreciated that. Most people I knew just made decisions that bettered themselves and not those who they were responsible for."
"That's romantic." Giving her a slight roll of his eyes he couldn't help the growing smirk. "Guess we got together for the right reasons. We liked the person not necessarily caught up in emotion." It complicated his problem though. "How do I make it easier for people to see me different. I want to be different. Star I've lived here long enough to see you made sense. Couldn't make out the reason for a conscience all that time ago and now I want it."
Star chuckled lightly. "That...even I'm not certain how to answer that one. Why don't you work changing how you see yourself first." Star pokes his chest gently. "As long as you see yourself as a monster, so will everyone else. When you see yourself as a loving father, and a good man...like I do...then that image will naturally begin portraying itself to others as well."
"Huh," Killian shifted on the chair. "What if I just picked you up and dropped you on the couch over there?" He couldn't help wanting to do something slightly mischievous. "I'm not even sure I could live a boring life. You know I'll find trouble if it doesn't find me first."
"I think you'll have no shortage of excitement helping me raise three children and running your own security business, if you decide to start that." Star replied with a smile. "As for dropping me on the couch...I think the bed might be better." She smirked.
"I wasn't thinking about that." Killian smirked. "Now, that you've mentioned it."
Star chuckles. "Well, what were you thinking about then?"
"That idea was kinda shot soon as you mentioned the other." Killian chuckled. "I was just thinking of dropping you on the couch that was it. Maybe coming back to bug you."
Star laughed and kissed him again. "Yeah, I like my idea better."
