How Green Becomes Wood

"All of that with Daizi as her mother," Dark replied, nodding in agreement about how she was bound to be a handful, but strangely, knowing his wife was bound to raise his child to be equally chaotic made him more confident, and it showed in his eyes. He loved Daizi, so if his child ended up like her, it would be a blessing. Stressful, but a blessing. When Xander said they were doing a decent job, he smiled slightly and looked away, "Thank you. We do our best. We try... I even have parenting books, ones about teenagers," It was weirdly embarrassing to admit it, "I never know... It is easier for Daizi to express strong feelings than it is for me."

He was quiet too, feeling almost lost. Sure he had told the twins he loved them, but the first time he hadn't noticed, and the second time was in the midst of an intensely emotional moment. Just on a nice day? He didn't know what to do with that. It wasn't something he had ever learned, "That is fair. Whenever you get that itchy feeling. And when you can securely do it, I cannot stand parents who kick their children out at eighteen, regardless of circumstances. There is no single timeline for when to leave the nest."
 
Xander eyed Dark in confused amusement. "They have books for parenting? That's kind of hilarious. Why would you need a book? I mean, if it gives you help, I guess it can't hurt, but if you've been a kid, I think you have a pretty good idea of how to be a parent." He shrugged. "At least, that's what I figure. The rest is just hoping for the best. And I think you're fine with emotions. You say what needs said, sure, but they say actions speak louder than words for a reason." He gave Dark a quick smile. "This trip sure does scream."
 
"I suppose because other people always think they are better parents than you," Dark replied, "but I do not know if it is true you know how to be a parent if you have been a child. My parents were so severe. I know what they did was wrong, but there are so many things that are wrong that are not what my parents did. I do not want to be one of those people who say, 'well, I do not beat my kids, so I must be doing a good job,' when their child is still miserable." It was comforting to know Xander didn't expect or require him to say more than he knew to, and he smiled back at him and said, "This bracelet screams too."
 
"And what makes you think those parenting books have it right?" Xander asked blandly. "They had to figure out the same way people have since the birth of the first baby leading into the first hormonal rampage by a teenager: trial and error." He glanced over at Dark. "Give us boundaries and stick to them no matter how much we hate them, pay attention to us, don't be unreasonable, and - most importantly - treat us like independent people, not appendages, second chances to relive your glory days, trophies, burdens, or living dolls, and it'll all work out fine in the end. Eventually. Nobody's perfect, kid or parent."

He looked ahead, feeling the horse move underneath him. No one was perfect. Kid or parent. Including his mother. If his mother had lived, would they have eventually learned to get along? Would he have been able to forgive her? He still wasn't sure if he forgave her even now, but he did understand. He'd never understood before, but now that he had some space from the situation, he could take the time to understand. He felt like that was a good first step.
 
"Maybe you will end up being a fill in parent after all," Dark said dryly, although he was amused by how easy Xander decided it all was, "although it is a bit easier in theory. And Daizi and I jumped straight into the teenager stage, we have some catching up to do." He didn't mention Daizi avoided reading the books, because she felt like they all had a you've already failed message, "They are all based on psychology, anyway, they are not memoirs... It is not like I follow their word as law, but I do find them helpful, if nothing else because they make me feel understood. You have to start somewhere, and we started... in December. They are specific, too, they deal with specifically being foster parents and those things." And trauma. He read many books about helping teens with trauma, but he didn't want to change the tone of Xander's trip by mentioning it. He only spoke about the books at all because he thought it would be good to hear he was really dedicated to it, but he worried now it was a mistake.

He rode quietly beside Xander, looking at him cautiously. He had grown a lot, not just physically. The look in his eyes had changed. He was different than he had been before. Alec had noticed, because it had frightened him, but Dark wondered if Xander could see it too. To an extent, he probably did, Dark figured, but it was doubtful he could completely perceive it. There were some things only outsiders could notice, if they cared enough to look.

"Do you know what I like?" He asked softly, after some time had passed, "When I brought you home, I made one request of you and Alec: that you could be absolute monsters to me, as long as you were nice to my wife. And with the exception of that one argument on your first full day with us, you have more or less kept to that. I am very proud of you, Xander. Not because of that. Not because of only that."
 
"I suppose there's no harm in getting some outside advice as long as it doesn't make you feel guilty," Xander shrugged. "It's probably smarter to get an outsider's opinions, I'm just... not good at listening to advice or suggestions." He glanced at Dark and smirked. "I'm much better at yelling at people for no good reason, but I think I'm getting better at that. I haven't picked a fight in at least a week!"

He sobered a little when Dark said he was proud of him. He fidgeted with the reins, glad he was on a quiet and patient horse. "Are you really?" he asked softly. "I don't feel I've done much to earn that. I feel more like you deserve a metal for putting up with me. I... I couldn't ever even imagine hurting Daizi now, and... and I'm sorry for when I hurt you. I know it's supposed to be water under the bridge, but I want you to know I really am. And I..." He stopped short. He wanted to make Dark proud of him. He wanted to earn that spark in Dark's eye. He didn't know exactly why he felt he hadn't. Maybe it was just him getting in his own head.

"Thank you. For sticking around long enough to see what nobody else could. Even me." The words came unbidden, surprising even him.
 
"And who have you been around this past week?" Dark asked, smiling slightly. He hoped Xander never lost his attitude. But watching him fidget like that changed his mood, too, "Of course I am," he said, and his voice was like a promise or a vow, "You have been through hell, Xander. I would never expect you to be perfectly behaved, but I have watched you try. Trying and failing a thousand times a day is better than not trying at all, and stumbling, even falling flat on your face, is better than sitting exactly where you are. So of course I am proud of you. I am overwhelmed with how proud I am of you," He held the reins with one hand and held up his write arm, the one he wore the bracelet on, "Do you think the Xander I brought home in December would ever even consider spending his time to make me of all people something like this? Because I do not... and I will never hold that day against you. I know you are beyond sorry for it, but I also do not believe it was entirely your fault."

He kept his eyes on Xander. They weren't intense when he looked at him, anymore, and hadn't been. What had once seemed hawklike and piercing were now more like honey. But Dark could not accept thanks, "Somebody needed to see it," he said instead, "and I am grateful it got to be me. I do love you, Xander. Even if you make me crazy."
 
Xander smiled faintly at Dark. "If me now told me then what I'd be doing, me then woulda punched out my lights for being so stupid as to trust anyone. And I don't make you crazy." His grin turned a bit more mischievous. "I just remind you to really enjoy your quiet times."

He took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh, rolling his shoulders. "Right! Well. How come our bonding sessions always end up gettin' so heavy? If we keep going at this rate, we're going to have emotional muscles of steel!"
 
"Maybe the you of the past would look at you from today and see how far you have come, and would be wise enough to want to become that way, too. You would return to yourself taller and more robust, surely he would respond to that if nothing else," Dark mused, truly curious about how the kid he had met last year would respond to who he was riding beside now. And when he mentioned quiet, Dark couldn't help but laugh lightly and look up at the July sky, "When the baby comes, this house will never be quiet again. Except for those few, brief shining moments when you two are at school and she sleeps. And never again will I have time alone with my wife."

That last bit stung a bit. But it was their choice, he supposed, "It is because trauma responds to trauma, and nobody has ever accused me of being cheery." Still, he smiled in his own way at Xander while they rode beyond a sparkling stream.
 
Xander pointed to a strangely shaped rock not far down the path. "Hey, last one there has to buy lunch!" He urged Ghost forward cautiously into a faster walk, outpacing Dark's horse instantly. He leaned forward like he was really flying down the path and not just going at a fast walk. Perhaps someday he'd fly down this path, but not today. At least, not with Dark watching.
 
Dark shook his head, but was content to keep going at his own pace. Let the young one keep making everything into a competition, he was prepared to just follow behind and enjoy the day. He had a lot to think about, anyway, and it would be good for Xander to have finally 'beat' him in a competition.
 
Xander reached the rock and glanced around, giving a quiet cheer, trying not to spook the horse. Then, looking back, he realized Dark hadn't even tried to keep up. Xander hesitated and then shook his head with a little chuckle. Oh well. Let Dark let him win. Someday he'd beat him at some competition, fair and square. He urged Ghost to keep going, keeping the space between him and Dark, a mischievous glint in his eye. Maybe he'd practice that ball toss game until he could beat Dark's score. Oh, he knew Dark wasn't into competition, but for him, it was fun. If he'd thought a little more about it, he would have realized that there had been a change even in that. It was fun, and it was fun without having to win. It was purely the idea of actually having someone to compete against. That was it. It was how he enjoyed the game, he supposed. But Dark soon wouldn't be the only one to compete against. Next week, he started Judo lessons. It was amazing there was still a spot open after all the delays, but it was open, and he could soon start learning to get thrown around the room on purpose. This was a weird world. He kept going, enjoying the day, the stream, and, most of all, the horse. It was a lovely day!
 
When he saw Xander was intent on keeping this new distance between them, Dark did speed up, so he could ride beside his boy again. He wondered a bit, presuming Cindy hadn't been listening to their conversation, if she thought he was his biological father. They didn't look at all similar, but she didn't know what his wife looked like. She could easily be a short red-head, and their son could have come out looking a lot like her.

When he made it near enough, he was able to, with only mild concern, take a picture of Xander actually riding the horse. The angle was a bit strange, but it was the best he could get.

The trail was a good hour and a half long, but like all good things, it came to an end, and eventually (perhaps a bit too quickly) they returned about where they had begun, and the stables and the pasture were once more in their view.
 
Xander heaved a sigh when he saw the end of their trail but leaned down and gave Ghost a pat. "You were a really good boy," he assured the horse. "Thanks for putting up with me." Then he turned and gave Dark an amused look. "I don't think I've ever seen you with a phone in your hand that often," he teased. "Are you going to send the pictures to Daizi?"
 
"To you, actually. I thought you might like to see yourself. And then you can send them to Alec, who would love to see them." He replied, putting his phone away, not the least bit embarrassed, "Unfortunately, I do not believe Daizi will think to take pictures of him, although, as much as I love her, if she tried, he probably would not end up in frame, or it would end up as many pictures of herself, accidentally taken."
 
Xander blinked, surprised by that. Dark was taking pictures for him? Huh. That was different, but he wasn't sure he hated the idea. It was just strange after so long dodging pictures, but after seeing the photo album Ciara had brought over, he was starting to see the relevance in pictures. "Thanks. Hey, maybe Alec will remember to take one of them."

They approached the pastures, and Xander frowned. "So, uh, how do we get down?"
 
"You do not," Dark replied flatly, "You live on the back of the horse forever, now."

This made Cindy laugh a bit too hard, "You're so funny!" She said, and then more professionally, "First just make sure he's fully stopped, and then hold the reins in your left hand like this. Take your right leg out of the stirrup, and swing it over," She demonstrated, coming lightly down off the horse, "Just like that, super simple!"
 
"Ha-ha, you're hilarious." Xander glanced at Cindy, careful to keep his expression neutral. Had he grown so used to Dark's humor that it didn't strike him as funny as those not used to him? Or was Cindy attracted to him? Or was she merely a lover of that type of humor? He'd have to keep an eye on her for Dark's sake.

Shaking the thought from his mind, he watched her dismount. "Right. That looks simple enough." And it was. As long as you actually got your leg over the horse's rump and didn't catch your heel, throwing you off balance, losing the plot of the dismount, and landing flat on your back next to a shockingly patient horse's hooves with one foot still stuck up in the stirrup and one rein in hand while the other dangled pointlessly. Xander wheezed a bit, the air coming back into his lungs. Then he held a thumbs up. "Easy as pie!"

Slowly, awkwardly, with legs shaking like a newborn foal's, he worked his way up into a standing position. Riding a horse, it turned out, used thigh muscles he didn't know he had, and his butt was numb and not taking requests for movement at the moment. Still, he was upright and leaning on the horse's warm body. He felt like his lower half had been trampled, but as he grinned and gave the horse a few pets, he knew full well he'd be back here if he had to walk the whole way.
 
Dark had an instinctual urge to take a picture of Xander lying there on his back, but instead dismounted his horse quickly, although also a bit unstably because using his muscles in a different way than he was used to, and went to help steady Xander, "Elegantly done," he said, staying right beside him until he seemed a bit more steady on his feet.

Cindy sort of laughed good naturedly, but tried not to, "Don't worry, we see that all the time around here. It's an unfamiliar motion if you aren't used to it. I hate to say it, but that's the end of our trip today! Once you've got your legs back under you, we've got a gift shop you can go through before you head out. Do you want to give some treats to your horses before you go?"
 
"Absolutely!" Xander stated eagerly. He wobbled his way around to stand closer to Ghost's head and happily gave him a few treats, muttering softly and thanking him for the ride. He hoped not many people could hear. Dark probably could, and maybe Cindy, but surely she was used to this sort of thing.

After spending a few minutes petting the horse one last time, he backed up and let Ghost go off to be taken care of and his tack removed. "So. Gift shop and then collapse in the car?" Xander asked Dark. He frowned. "You stink." Then he sniffed at his own shirt. "I stink. I didn't realize horses smelled this strongly."
 
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