How Green Becomes Wood

Dark gave a brief wave and then returned to his classroom to finish his his work for the day, but wasn't particularly focused on any of it. And that weekend, after a long bedtime conversation with his wife, he approached the twins while they sat in the living room. Daizi was already in there with them, reading a book. She was nearly, although not quite, at eleven weeks, and the medicine had already helped a ton, even though she had been on it for less than a week. Although she wasn't free from morning sickness entirely, she had been able to eat more, and was definitely looking better for it.

After greeting everyone, Dark said, "I think I am going to go to the hobby shop today... so I was wondering, Alec, if you would like to come with? I know you are interested in art, you might be interested in some of what they sell."
 
Alec looked up from the English project he was working on. It wasn't due until next week, but he was already nearly finished. "Me? You want me to come?" he stammered, shocked. Then he cleared his throat. "I mean, yes, I'd like that."

Xander dropped his math homework - assigned two days ago, due tomorrow, and only picked up that evening. "Yeah, I guess that's reasonable," he sighed. "Better than calculous."
 
"Why would I not want you to come?" Dark asked, "Come, on, get your shoes."

Daizi raised her head, seeming as if she was only just now tuning into the conversation, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay here, Xander? I don't know if you've ever been to one of those stores before, but if you aren't interested in what they sell there, it'll basically just mean following Dark around as he taps on wood and mutters to himself about fake trees. Why do you think I don't go with him?"

"Sometimes you go with me," Dark replied.

"Yeah... Only if I feel guilty about something," She turned the page in his book, "or you do, so I know if I go with you'll take me out to eat afterwards. Or if I'm just really needy that day."

He ran his tongue over his teeth and tried to maintain an annoyed look, but broke quickly, "I love you."

"I love you too~"
 
Alec grinned and scrambled to get his shoes eagerly, leaving his grey coat on the back of the couch. He wouldn't need it in the warm spring evening. He tugged on his shoes and stood waiting eagerly. He could deal with wood tapping.

Xander groaned and rolled his head back. "You two are so sappy!" he groused, but there wasn't much heart in the statement. "Yeah, alright, I'll stay. I don't need any art stuff."
 
"Oh, no, babe!" Daizi cried out despite maintaining a completely neutral expression, "Did you hear that? We're sappy! I can't believe our genuine happiness in our relationship is too st-w-ong to cont-w-ol!" As always, she ended up laughing before her sentence was even completed.

"Oh no," Dark replied, although unlike his wife, he was unwilling to commit to using baby-talk just to tease Xander. He was at a time in his life where he fully believed even when his baby was born, he would never speak in that sort of tone, "I suppose we should just begin fighting all the time." He shrugged, and picked up Alec's coat to hang it up properly, and then headed toward the front door.

Daizi nodded, humming in agreement, "That's a great plan, Goose. By the way, I hate you."

"I hate you too, darling. Come on, Alec." He grabbed his keys and opened the door, letting Alec exit before him. He was glad he agreed to go and even gladder Xander agreed to stay behind. Dark and his wife may have been a sappy couple, but considering how many hobbies one had which the other didn't share, and how much time they spent apart, nobody could accuse them of being codependent. They had been beginning to worry that since the twins had only ever had each other to rely on, they might have not yet learned to exist just... as individuals.
 
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Alec trotted ahead eagerly toward the car. He hesitated once he reached it and glanced back, feeling suddenly uncertain. Xander always got in the car first. It felt weird to be the first one in. He shook it off and looked to Dark. "Where is this store? I don't think I've ever been to a crafting store." He climbed in only after Dark had gotten in and buckled up securely.


~~


Xander groaned and rubbed his eyes as if he could rub it all away. Lovebirds were gross and weird. He huffed a sigh and picked up his math homework. This had to be better than watching someone caress wood.
 
"It is not too far," Dark replied, noting the time it took for Alec to enter the car without his brother, "a little closer to where Cooger lives, but not as far as that. It is independently owned and operated, so everyone there is really passionate about what they do." Dark passed Alec the AUX cord and told him to put on whatever music he wanted, then he pulled out of his driveway and began to drive towards the store.

~~

Daizi smiled to herself. Even without seeing Xander, she understood all the groans and huffs for what they were. She was quiet for a little while, but then, with her book still open and her fingers still on the page, casually asked, "Do you still think my marriage will turn toxic one day?" She still vividly remembered that conversation, all the way back on his second day with her, and how he had seemed so sure of himself, "You can be honest."
 
"It must be a lot of fun to do something you are passionate about for work. Or would that take the fun out of things when you have so much more pressure to get things right?" Alec asked as he started searching for music they might both enjoy. He couldn't remember exactly what Dark enjoyed, so he chose some upbeat instrumental music that was supposed to be Celtic-inspired. He couldn't really hear the Celtic par himself, but it was nice.

~~

Xander glanced at her, tensing. He knew he should have done his homework in his room like he'd originally wanted, but Alec had said the room felt stuffy. "Are you sure you want to ask a question you don't want to know the answer to?" he retorted. "Besides, what's it matter what I think? If I'm right, it sucks, and if I'm wrong, it's no skin off your nose."
 
"Daizi is passionate about her job, I think it makes it easier," Dark replied. Even if he hated the music Alec put on, he would not have said anything, "everybody needs a job, at least the way the world runs now, and you spend most of your adult life at your job, so, if you like what you do, it makes that time easier. I presume."

~~


She turned the page, having no real reaction to Xander's biting response, "I care about what you think. I don't care about your relationship advice, and I'd never ask, because that would be wildly inappropriate, but generally I care about your opinion. Anyway, I work in research, so... Pretty much half of my job is asking questions I don't want the answer to," She raised her head, "Anyway, I was just curious. And if you're right, it's more than just the two of us who would be effected. I don't even think you're entirely wrong, I think a lot of marriages sour, but I think you're wrong in assuming they all do."
 
Alec stared out the window, watching the sidewalk scroll by, interrupted now and then by fire hydrants, light poles, and mail boxes. "I know eventually I'll have to get a job. Probably sooner than later since I'm technically working age. Likely, I'll flip burgers and be taken advantage of for a few years as that seems to be the right of passage here in America, seeing as teens don't know what to truly expect." He paused and touched the window with one finger. "Do you like teaching? Truly? It seems so... stressful. Like everything is working against you as you try to do something that's not only noble and all of that, it's literally required by the government. It's kind of funny that something that can only benefit the country would be made so difficult."

~~

Xander shrugged and started picking up his work. "Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I can't think of any marriages that haven't, and they're sad with old people stuck together and sniping at each other into old age where they sort of just give up. But who knows? Maybe you'll get old first. I'm not a future teller."
 
Dark glanced back at Alec and exhaled, thinking about what he said, "You do not need to get a job until you want one. You do not need to pay bills, and you have already had to work harder than most people your age. Just take some time to be a kid, okay? You have been through a lot, and even though it may feel like it, you are not an adult yet."

Although, he empathized with Alec, because he too felt as if he had to just rush to adulthood since his childhood didn't exactly happen, "I... never really learned what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I sort of just... fell into teaching. But I think I do like it. Students can be monsters, parents are often worse, and the administration sometimes makes me want to rip my hair out, but... I think if there was not something I liked about it, I would have quit long ago. And," He looked again at the teenager, and then quickly looked away, "it is a good thing I did not, because I only met you and your brother because I teach. I think all five of us would be worse off, if I had quit at some point in my past."

~~

"Do you know, I almost married someone else? His name was Musaad. The name means 'to be lucky.' My father thought we were an 'advantageous' match," Daizi began to explain, at last closing her book and setting it aside. It was written in braille, but presumably by the illustrations on the cover, it was a pregnancy book. When closed, it was obvious the beginning few chapters had been read often, but the back of the book looked entirely untouched, as if those pages had never been turned, "I was only 22 or 23, but we had a milquetoast relationship and a milquetoast proposal so I agreed. Kinda just wanted my dad to be proud of me, I guess, I don't know. But of course I invited Dark, because he was my best friend, and I wanted my best friend at my wedding," A smile spread across her face, and she settled her hands where they so often rested now, although she was still of a size it was definitely an intentional choice, and not an action born out of necessity, "I even bought him a plane ticket, since he couldn't afford one. He said he couldn't come, but did, and it was the first time I had been in the same room as him in years. I had been so sure that I was doing the right thing, getting married, but then there he was, and it wasn't like I felt whole again or anything, because I'm a pretty kick-ass person all on my own, and I don't need someone else to let me know who I am, but I felt..."

Daizi paused, and searched for the right word with furrowed brows, "settled, again, I guess. In all the years since then, I've never once wondered 'what if?' And I know this story won't change your mind, I don't expect anything I can say would. But you know, you should probably be rooting for us to last."
 
Alec smiled and ducked his head briefly even though he wasn't looking at Dark. "I'm glad you keep teaching, too. You are... you are stable ground in a seed of high school madness," he decided. "I don't like high school, but once I learned you were... not as scary as you first seemed, I liked your classes. You never tolerated any shenanigans." He smirked a little. He had a strange fondness for the word "shenanigans," and it was great to work it into a sentence! His smile faded. "But how do I learn what I want to do? For a job. I like reading, singing, dancing, and art, but not very many people can actually make a living off of that."

~~

Xander gave her a doubtful look. "Why? You just said you don't need anyone to tell you who you are, that you're totally independent and can take care of yourself, so why should it matter? I don't even get why you're telling me all this." He gave her a suspicious look. "Are you trying to have a talk with me about certain nature animals and how I should treat girls? I'm really not interested in any kind of relationship right now. Probably not ever."
 
He nodded, stopping at a red light, "I am glad to be a stabilizing force for you. Although I am disappointed to learn I am not exactly as scary as I seem." Then Dark thought for a long time about Alec's question, because it was something he had never really learned the answer to himself, "...The way... I think about it... Is we are told to monetize everything we love. Even people who play video games are encouraged to film themselves and put it online so they can profit off of something they do for fun. I am sure if I sold my carvings, I would make a lot more money than I do teaching, but I am not interested in earning money from them, because I do them for myself. You love all of those things, so just... Keep doing them, and see where they take you." He shrugged his shoulders as the light turned green, "if it makes you money, that's great. If not, you will find something else. I tried a million things before settling on teaching. And unlike me, you will always have a place to come back to if you stumble, so that is a comforting thought."

~~

"No," She chuckled, "no, I'm not planning to give you the talk, and honestly I hope you already know about those things, because if not, this..." She indicated towards her little baby bump, "is probably very confusing. Although if Alec doesn't know, it might explain why he can hardly stand to be in the same room as me anymore," in the latter sentence, her smile faltered, only for a second, and a bit of hurt crept into her voice, but then it was gone, "But, I think you should root for us, because if your prediction comes true while you live here, and we got divorced, then I think legally you and Alec would be removed and put in a different family, and that would suck for all of us, because Dark and I would miss getting to see you, and you both would basically have to start over again. And if your prediction comes true, but you and Alec have already moved out, well... I like to think you'll come back and visit every so often, and could you imagine coming into this house, and one of us is just... not living here anymore? Half of the useless clutter is gone, the wedding portrait in the dining room has been taken down, there isn't a bowl of salt by the door..."

She lingered on the thought for a moment, but surprisingly, considering her wild hormones, she didn't seem like she was about to cry, even though her voice did become sadder as she explained the scenario. Daizi herself was surprised by it, and when she reflected on it later, she would realize it was because she was so confident it would never happen, "And if we stay together, despite genuinely hating each other, regardless of if you live here or not, wouldn't you hate the tension? It's already weird enough with me being pregnant, could you imagine if there was a baby running around and Dark and I despised each other? Wouldn't you rather it stay like this, where even though it's awkward, at least we get along?"
 
Alec murmured thoughtfully but did not immediately answer Dark. A place to come back to? Always? He wished he could believe that, and he felt Dark meant what he said, but it just did not seem real to him. He was the interloper. The forgettable one. The one who could easily be lost in the shuffle. Xander was tough. Xander would fight for his space and attention if he wanted it, but Alec could not find the courage to do the same for himself. Dark and Daizi were going to have a baby, their very own baby, the thing they had wanted for years. How could they do anything but focus their entire attention on that new baby? Maybe even come to resent Alec and Xander for taking up space and energy that they could be spending on the thing they actually wanted, not on the things they had settled for. In time, Alec and Xander would have to move on, just as they always did. At least now they had a more stable jumping-off point. And if things went wrong for Daizi, which she had already said was high in likelihood... well, he didn't even want to think about that. It had happened before, so maybe Dark and Daizi would survive, but what if they blamed them? Blamed them for the extra stress and the heartache that had come about because of them? And, worse, what if it was true that the extra stress Alec and Xander brought to the house did contribute to something going wrong?

"How does Cooger make his life work?" he asked, changing the subject a bit. "It seems so... fairytale."

~~

"That's not why he doesn't like it," Xander mumbled. He shook his head, not wanting to go into that. "Look, it's not that I want you guys to fail, not really, but it doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter if I think you're awesome. It doesn't matter if I want people to stay together and live and love forever, because you get what life hands you, not what you want."

Not to mention, if you steeled yourself and anticipated the worst, it didn't hurt so bad when it happened. Things still hurt, but you could be ready for it, like seeing a punch coming. Then you didn't have to waste time on tears and could get straight to to fixing things and working on moving on with life. Or least trying to. No matter what happened.
 
"Oh you would have to ask him," Dark sighed, "I cannot figure it out. I think he was probably blessed at birth, things just seem to work out for him. But, I suppose it is possible he is too confident to fail, and his dreams were never to become rich or famous or anything, his goal was always just to own a plot of land, earn enough to make a living, and called it a day. Maybe if more of us were content with that, everything would be a lot easier."

~~

Daizi fell silent, thinking about what he said for awhile. She smiled when he said he thought they were awesome. Eventually, she sat up straight. Normally, when she sat in the arm chair, she was curled up, sitting sideways, often with one leg hanging over the arm, but now she sat correctly. She opened her mouth a few times, trying to figure out phrasing, and at last she said, "I think that's where you're misunderstanding love. It isn't something that just happens, that you love until you don't. But that's not what it is, it's something you work at. Falling in love is different, falling in love does just sort of... happen, and that's why people will complain about meeting the perfect guy but not loving him or why people will remark about how they ended up with someone they never thought was their type, but being in love? It's a lot of work," She rested her elbow on her knees and leaned forwards a bit, "Sometimes, even with all of that work, it can still fail, but if you think it's all up to what life will give you, you were doomed before you even began. And I'm saying that as a firm believer in fate, because there isn't just one future, you know. There's a whole multiverse of futures, every choice you ever make brings you to the future you'll one day see, so I put in the work to end up exactly where I already know I'm going. Into the dark, with my husband right behind me. Anyway, sometimes I think it's enough to hope."
 
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"It sounds like a lovely life for a bachelor, and maybe if you have a partner who likes that kind of lifestyle," Alec agreed. "Oh! Look out there! Someone hasn't taken their Christmas lights down! Who doesn't take their lights down by spring?"

~~

"That sounds great for you, but what happens when one of you dies?" Xander asked bluntly. "Or if the baby thing doesn't work out? Not to drag you over broken glass, but that shit hurts. Isn't it better to be prepared? Then you at least get the chance to be pleasantly surprised when it does work or if you get to die first and leave the suffering to the other person. Dying is easy. Living is hard. And what happens if you work really hard to keep the love alive but the other person doesn't? It's not something you can control, so might as well brace for impact."
 
"I think if you make it to Spring without taking down the decorations, then you are obligated to leave them up all year, because if you take them down now, you confirm to your neighbors you were just lazy. If you leave them up, then eventually it just looks like a statement," Dark suggested. He continued to chat casually with Alec for the rest of the drive to the store. Finally he arrived, parked, and got out of the car. It was a relatively unassuming storefront, with a sadly forgettable name, but inside felt strangely nostalgic, even if you had never been there before. It smelled like pine and glue, around the top of the walls in the main room, a model train drove around tracks, occasionally whistling out while one of the train cars mooed, and behind the counter was a man who looked to be in about his mid-60s, fiddling with a ship in a bottle. He greeted them cheerfully and asked if he could help them find anything, but when Dark assured him they were okay, he returned to his model.

~~

"I think if you play it safe your entire life, by the time you die, you'll realize you never really lived," She replied after a long pause. Then, Daizi stood, and opened the back door, letting the scent of the mid-spring flowers drift into the living room, "Dark and I are both well aware one day, one of us will die. We hope it won't be for a long, long time, but it could be tomorrow. It could be today. Being pregnant puts my life in danger, I'm closer to the grave than I've ever been, ironically. We argue sometimes, mostly joking, over who gets to die first, because it'll be harder on whoever dies second. But honestly? Even though we both hate the idea of living without each other, and even though we've both had nightmares about each other's deaths..." She smiled, and deeply inhaled the smell of flowers.

Daizi, even with how ill she had been, still spent a good deal of her free time outside, tending to her garden. Already it was blooming nicely, but she kept saying come May and June, it would be stunning, and the smell would travel for acres, "I'd rather lose him than never have lain beside him at all. There's this Death Cab for Cutie song, and it ends saying, 'I'm thinking of what Sarah said: That love is watching someone die. So who's gonna watch you die?' and I would watch him die. Not literally, obviously, but I would sit by his side and hold his hand until his last breath, even if he couldn't even remember me anymore. Even though I hate hospitals, I wouldn't leave him for a second. Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for awhile," she murmured, earnestly quoting The Princess Bride. She turned back towards Xander, with sunlight in her hair, "Being prepared for the worst doesn't mean you have to shut yourself off. If he dies before me, my heart will be ripped from my chest, and the same will happen to him if I go first. But... we'll have really loved each other, while we could, and that's more than some people ever get."

"As for the baby..." She swallowed hard. It was much harder to take, because that death felt a lot more near, and because she had actually experienced it before, not just come near to it, "I've tried to just... not get attached, and think of the ones in the past sort of like an alien or a parasite... But it's still devastating. I spend every moment of my life with this little thing--she's about the size of a lime now, you know, or will be in a few days, and three weeks ago, when I told you, she was only the size of a raspberry--and I take vitamins every morning for her, and I avoid so many things I love for her, and if she lives or dies she's still my child. She's still my baby, even if she never gets to take her first breath. So I'm going to love her," Daizi inhaled very slowly, and once more felt her belly, thinking about how her doctor nearly a week before said the baby was really active. Then she raised her head through Xander, and with half a dozen emotions plain and muddled on her face said, "It isn't weak to love, you know. I know you love your brother, and he can die just like anyone else can. But that's not going to stop you from loving him, right? Why don't you come and walk in my garden with me." The door was still open behind her, and she gestured for him to come outside with her.
 
Alec followed Dark closely, occasionally glancing over his shoulder in an instinctual move. He jumped when the train let out a little whistle then turned to watch it in fascination. It chugged its way around on its little track, and he followed it for a few steps, watching the gears turn curiously. Then he hurried to stay close to Dark, turning this way and that to see everything in every direction.

~~

He hated this. He hated every second of it. He didn't want to listen to this, and she wouldn't stop! She just kept going on! He didn't care! It was so cheesy and stupid. She was even quoting sappy movies! Why couldn't she ever have a conversation where it felt like she was taking things seriously, not like a dark faerie intent on lecturing him! Why couldn't she keep it short? He could take short. He could absorb short. The longer she went, the more rankled he felt until it didn't matter if she was telling him the stars gleamed, he'd disagree with her.

"And I think you have a fantastical view of the world and love," Xander shot back, "and I'd rather follow a spider into its web." He grabbed his stuff, stood, and started walking toward the hall. "I go to school to get lectured on my worldview. I don't need it here, too." He felt guilty talking back, but he just couldn't take it! Too many words! Too much love and death! He didn't want to deal with the feelings.
 
"In that room," He gestured to an archway off to the side, "is where most of the more standard art supplies are. You are welcome to have a look. And over in that one," he pointed in a different direction, "they have boxes of airplane and ship models. They also sell dice. I have to look at wood... might end up placing a few special orders." Normally, he could work in a small scale, but he had some larger projects on his mind, even though it felt a little daring to go that way.

~~

"Xander," She said gently, still standing in the doorway. The spring breeze made her dress swirl slightly, and she had one hand on the doorframe and the other on her belly. It was to keep her hands from shaking, because even though she had thought a lot about the eventual demise of her family often, she still wanted to cry if she spoke about it, even if she wasn't pregnant, "Just come and walk with me. Come see my garden. The sun should be setting. I've never seen a sunset, but Dark says they're lovely here, and then the night jasmine will bloom. There are no traps, no expectations, and I won't lecture you. Just come and walk with me. There are only so many evenings like this a year."

Daizi did not react to him yelling at her, this time, because she was feeling well enough again to remember how he told her he yelled when he was frightened, and she had just suggested to him that he was doing himself a disservice by blocking out love to decrease interpersonal risk. That was scary, even for adults, so she couldn't blame him for reacting exactly like he said he would. Instead, she chose gentleness.
 
Alec hesitated a moment, glancing between the two rooms, before nodding. "Alright. I'll look at art supplies first, and then maybe the models if you haven't finished yet. I'll make sure to be ready to go when you are." He edged into the art supplies room and started looking around. At first, he felt uncertain, but as the amount of things dawned on him, his hesitation vanished. There was so much to see! He'd never seen so many different types of paintbrushes before, and they were all so pristine! And paints! And charcoals! And so many other things he didn't even know how to use! He wandered through the room slowly, feeling like he was in a dream.

~~

Xander hesitated, standing halfway between Daizi and the hallway. He wavered, almost left, but finally turned toward Daizi. "Fine," he growled, tossing his books onto the couch. "I'll come." He shoved his hands into his pockets and stalked out the back door into the garden. What could she possibly want out here? He didn't believe her that there'd be no more lectures or strings, but he supposed he'd humor her.
 
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