How Green Becomes Wood

"And we want to be able to give her, you know, our foods. In their most basic form, obviously, but babies can have chickpeas and lentils, and I'm not sure if we'd be able to find that in prebottled baby foods." Daizi explained, before bending to blow a raspberry on Ivy's tummy now that she had rolled onto her back before sitting upright again. "Let me know if you need anything, Xander, okay? That goes for you two, too."

"I will," Dark said, and was about to bend down to kiss her and Ivy goodbye, but Daizi was quicker, and she scooped Ivy up so he didn't have to bend.

"Be safe, Goose," she murmured, unable to keep from lingering for a moment with her hand on his chest and his at her waist. It wasn't really his physical injuries that worried her, although they did bother her, but she knew he was hurting, and she loved him so desperately.

And he loved her in equal measure. "I promise." He told her, kissing her lips, then after a moment, her forehead. It wasn't like he was going to war, or anything, they both knew that, but it didn't mean he stopped feeling a bit stronger when she was so tender with him. Then he smiled at his daughter, kissed her, and said, "Bye-bye, sweet Ivy-Qadira. Baba will be home soon, and so will your brothers, and I will bring you a sticker. How lovely will that be?"

Then, after Daizi had sufficiently said goodbye to her sons, Dark led them out of the house and Daizi set Ivy back down onto her play mat, wiping underneath one eye with her middle and ring fingers. "I feel silly feeling so emotional about it, they're just going to the doctor's."
 
Alec averted his eyes to Dark and Daizi's tender moment, still not fully comfortable with it, but he did sneak a couple of peaks. Even after all this time, it was so revolutionary to see two people reacting to each other like this. It wasn't a show, it wasn't forced, and it wasn't for any special reason. Well, yesterday was a special reason, but the fact that they were remembering it and not trying to shove yesterday in the past but allowing themselves to deal with the aftermath. A good night's sleep did not always cure everything. Their affection to each other was so gentle and genuine. It made him wonder if he would ever find someone like that for himself. Did he want that? He still wasn't sure, but now it felt like an actual option. He didn't want to completely shut down the idea. Yet something held him back. Perhaps wanting someone just for what Dark and Daizi was doing was selfish. It was all so complicated in his head. Besides. Xander still wanted nothing to do with it.

Xander had his back turned to Dark and Daizi and kept it that way during their farewell. Dark and Daizi had started to open his eyes - pry them open was more like it - to other possibilities than just all-out and constant warfare in the home that was either genuine like his mom's or hidden behind a facade like how he assumed most other families were. Dark and Daizi were still the exceptions in his eyes, though he knew he was ignoring Peter's obviously loving parents. They were different. That didn't mean he was ever going to risk anything like it, and, besides, maybe what glued Dark and Daizi together was the constant drama, like soldiers in foxholes. If they didn't have drama and trauma coming at them from the outside, maybe it would start showing up inside until they fell apart. Maybe. Whatever. It wasn't for him. Ever.

Xander and Alec said their goodbyes to Daizi and Sally before heading out to the car. Xander lay back, feeling a little ill with all the movement, sounds, and lights, but he could manage. Alec sat next to him, his eyes on Dark.

~~~

Sally reached out and laid her hand on Daizi's arm. "You're still worried about Dark's mental state, aren't you?" she prompted gently.
 
When Dark walked to his car, he didn't put much thought into his goodbye to his wife. It didn't stand out to him as anything special. It was simply part of his life. A valued part, a necessary part. But not something that required reflection on his part. They loved each other. They trusted each other. They trusted themselves. That was all.

In the car, he was quiet like the day before, focusing mostly on the road, although he did occasionally check in with the twins to make sure they were okay. The fact he had been hit on his left side was helpful, because the gear shift was on his right. Getting in and out of the car was miserable, but driving wasn't difficult.

~~

"I always am," Daizi admitted, hanging her head for a moment before lying back down with her daughter.
 
Part way through the drive, Alec leaned forward. "Does it hurt to drive?" he asked in concern. He was concerned, but he also didn't think he could take the silence much longer.

~~

"I have never had to support someone through something like that," Sally said gently. "Nor have I had to support someone supporting someone through that. I do know that it can be quite taxing on the supporter, and you cannot give of yourself if you have nothing to give, so if there is anything I can do to help you, please ask me. Whether it is tea, a ride somewhere, looking after the little one, or anything else that might not occur to me, please let me know. I do not know how to help, but I would like to. Perhaps the way I can help is to stop talking and listen." She smiled slightly at that. "I may need encouragement to stop trying to solve a problem, I am afraid, but I am willing to try."
 
"No," Dark answered, looking back at the road. "It does not. Really, I am not... so harmed. Just sore. You need not have to worry."

~~

"I have been supporting him like this for as long as I have known him," She said, holding a toy just outside of Ivy's reach to try to entice her to roll back-to-tummy for the first time, "and he's supported me like that, too. Especially after Omar. I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for him, and I mean that in every way." Daizi couldn't recall if she had ever told Sally about her other son, and she knew she had never mentioned the other part, but it didn't cross her mind she had shared anything new. That wasn't where her focus was, "He's my husband. And we have been through worse together, and come out the other end, battered but alive. We've been through better together, and came out just the same. And I'm sure we'll see worse and we'll see better again, too. But it's hard. I love him so much, Sally. I'd marry him all over again tomorrow, if I could. Even though I know he'll be alright, and I know he'll work through it, it still kills me to know how he feels about himself and what he is telling himself, and it kills me because it's not him who is saying those things, not really."
 
"You don't have to worry, either, but you still do," Alec pointed out. "How far to the hospital?"

~~~

Sally did not know who Omar was, but now was not the time to ask. Maybe some other day. "Maybe someday he'll start hearing your voice in his head instead of whoever's voice is telling him what he's hearing now. That much I can understand, having someone's voice in your head telling you things. The thing is... you have to work at believing that they aren't right. It's not easy at the best of times, and this certainly isn't the best of times."
 
Dark briefly looked back at him, the slightest hint of a smirk on his face, "No, I do have to worry," He looked back at the road, "It is a legal obligation, wallah, I have a card in my wallet. We are not going to the hospital, we are going to a clinic."

~~

"I don't know exactly what he hears," Daizi said, rolling Ivy over with her hands, trying to get her used to the motion, "It just... When we were kids together, we'd talk about the future, and we thought we'd have put in the work, and we'd be healthy, and we wouldn't have those sorts of burdens. And we learned that's not how it works, and we had to learn there's no finish line, there's no cure, there's just..." She tipped her head to the side, and smiled just a bit, "a garden. It takes consistent work to make it the best it can be. And we had to learn setbacks do not mean you're back at the beginning. You're never back at square one. That's not how it works. But I stayed up last night listening to his nightmares, waking him up when they got too bad, and this isn't the worst his mental health has ever been, even though it is pretty rough, right now, but... We have children together now. It makes it harder, because I can see how hard he's masking."
 
"Clinic, then. How long does it take to get to the clinic?" Alec asked.

~~

Sally sat listening to Daizi, nodding a little though she knew Daizi could not see. It was a strange thing to be having this kind of discussion as she came from a very old-fashioned family where mental health were not something discussed. No one in their family had it. It was not allowed. She honestly had no idea what she was doing or how to help Daizi, but she hoped that just maybe she could be better than her parents, and in turn, help Peter to be better than her and Jack.

"I do not know what it is to mask, exactly," she admitted, "but I think this is a good thing for the boys, your twins. Am I wrong in saying they have never seen a truly healthy family unit? A healthy expression of love between two people? Perhaps this is something that may be used to your benefit, as horrible as it is. When else will love shine brighter than during a challenge like this?"
 
"Not much longer." Dark answered, and sure enough, soon he pulled into the clinic parking lot and stopped the car.

~~

"Respectfully, Sally, I think you probably do know, you just haven't heard the word," Daizi replied with a wry smile, although she hoped it didn't cross a line to say as much, "Masking is when you suppress or camouflage your natural emotions, behaviours, or symptoms so other people don't perceive any difference. And it's not exactly healthy, and he knows that, but, at the same time, although he tries to speak openly about it with them, because he doesn't want to further stigmatize mental illness or do anything to devalue getting help, I know he doesn't want to overwhelm them with how dark and cold it gets. They know a few of his diagnoses, and he does not hide his therapy from them, but... Those boys, they respond to him, at least as far as I can tell, like he is invincible. Like he is made of a stone that nothing can weather. Dark has never hidden his vulnerability from me, at least not for a long time, and he doesn't really keep it hidden from Cooger, either, but I think he doesn't want to lose..." She sighed, holding the toy above Ivy for her to grab at, "I think he's afraid they won't view him the same if they knew, really knew. I know him better than anyone, I held his hand when he was two heartbeats from the grave, I was holding his hand when he flatlined, and I was there when he woke up again. He's not worried about how I feel about him changing. But..."
 
Alec gently nudged Xander. "We're here."

"Oh joy," Xander sighed, but he got out of the car without further complaint.

~~~

Sally wasn't sure what the difference was between "masking" and "manners," particuarly in a professional setting, but she chose not to ask for further details. At least she had the basic idea, and it didn't sound healthy to do at home. She forgot all about her "masking" questions as Daizi continued her story. She scooted over to Daizi and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tight even if it was awkward. It was more for herself than for Daizi, but her story ripped at her heart.

"I cannot imagine," she whispered, holding Daizi. "Jack and I, our relationship isn't as... openly affectionate as yours with Dark, but the idea of watching Jack slip away like that..." Her voice broke, and she gave up.
 
Dark stood painfully, glaring up at the sky. Then he locked his car and led them inside the clinic doors and checked in for the three of them at the table. After being given three clipboards of paperwork he asked, "Are you both able to fill out your own or would you like me to do it for you?"

~~

"It was a long time ago," Daizi told Sally, leaning into her embrace but also patting her back, now comforting her friend rather than the other way around, "He lived. He survived. At this exact moment, he's struggling a bit, but overall he's happy. He has pretty much everything he's ever wanted, and I don't mean things, I mean. He has me, and we have children, and our dog. He's got all the tattoos he's ever dreamed about, and he said unless you look closely, you can't even see his scars because of them." She pressed her forehead against Sally's for a moment, hoping what she had shared wouldn't change how she interacted around Dark. It would bother him to no end. Then she sat back, "And I know he's not in that deep of a place now. That doesn't make it easy, but it's something I take comfort in."
 
"We aren't five anymore," Xander said dryly, taking his board.

Alec took his and looked it over curiously. "No, but we weren't much older than that the last time we both came to a clinic like this." He chose not to think about the last time he was in a hospital setting. "I'll do my best!"

Xander was already reading through the list of things he may or may not have, his brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what some of them were.

~~

Sally cleared her throat as she resumed her position, blushing. "I am sorry. That was a bit of an extreme reaction on my part, but your vivid description had me thinking of my own husband." She took a breath. "Now. I am supposed to be here to give comfort to you, not the other way around. What might I do to be helpful or comforting?"
 
"I know," Dark said, sitting down and stretching his legs out in front of him as he began to fill out his own, writing with his right hand rather than his left, "but if you had not filled it out yourself before, you might have preferred this not be the trip you learn. Let me know if you have any questions."

~~

"I understand," Daizi promised, lying back down so she could press her face against Ivy's. This conversation reminded her of how they weren't just lucky to have her because of their long battle with infertility, but because Ivy's father nearly died decades too soon. "We were just kids when it happened. It feels like a lifetime ago. I can't say that I don't still worry about what if he gets to a place like that again, but he's made more progress than you can imagine. Really, I was there more recently than he was, but..." She tucked her hair back, "We should talk about something else. I know what I'm getting him for Father's day. Or, what I'm going to do for him, rather."
 
Xander muttered to himself as he tried to figure it out. After a while, he did manage to fill out a lot of it, but there was a lot he did have questions on. Alec, on the other hand, freely asked Dark questions when he wasn't sure what the right answer might be. FInally, when Alec and Dark had both finished their paperwork, Xander had to give in and humbly ask Dark for help.

~~

"Oh? Skipping Mother's Day and going straight to Father's day?" Sally teased gently. "What is it you are going to do for him?"
 
In neither case, when the twins asked for help, regardless of the manner in which they asked, did Dark treat them like they were stupid or naive for not understanding. In eleven years of being a teacher, he had taken to heart the simple fact that people are not born knowing innately, and they shouldn't be shamed for not knowing how to do something.

"When they call your names, do you want me to go with you?" He asked, "Or would you prefer to be examined without me present? I will not be offended if you would prefer more privacy."

~~

"It's not my job to plan my own mother's day," Daizi replied slyly, knowing perfectly well her family was up to something. What it was, exactly, she couldn't guess, but she had no fears about her day being forgotten, and she was beyond excited for it. Last year's was nice, but this is the one she felt she had truly earned. "I don't know if you've noticed, but Dark has tattoos all over the backs of his hands, except, on his ring finger, on his left hand, where his wedding ring sits, he intentionally left a gap, so that if you look at his hand when he can't wear his ring, he still has one on, you know? He's left that space different, so everybody knows. And I decided that I'm going to go and get a little ring tattooed on my finger there. It will kill my father, but... I know Dark will adore it. I'm going to get him an actual present, too, and plan a nice day for him, but I'm going to get something small tattooed on my finger for him, so I have my wedding ring on, even when I'm not wearing the actual object. He mentioned it, I think as a joke, last year, getting red string tattooed on, like in the old story."
 
Alec looked up at Dark, a hint of anxiety coming through for the first time. "We'll be going together at least, right? Xander and I? I'd rather we stay together."

"Hey," Xander said gently, far more gentle with Alec than he was even with himself. "It'll be okay. They can't see all of us together. We'll be alright."

"I don't want to go alone," Alec said firmly.

~~

Salley gasped and then lightly clapped her hands. "Oh, Daizi, Darling, that is so romantic!" she cooed. "I love that idea so much!"
 
"It is your treatment. You can have whoever you want in the room with you. You may not be examined at the exact same moment, but if you want him in the room with you, he will be in the room with you. If you want both of us, we will both be there. It's entire your choice about who you would feel most comfort with, when it's your turn." Dark told him gently, putting his hand on Alec's shoulder and looking him in the eye. Personally, he himself had not intended on having the twins back with them when it was his turn, but Alec's nerves moved him enough that he knew he'd agree, if he pushed. But whatever diagnosis he received he'd keep to himself. "You just let me know if you want me there."

~~

"From what he's said, finger tattoos hurt, but I'm only only planning to get a little line, so how bad can it possibly be?" She asked with a shrug, "Right, Ivy? Right! And I have the name of his current artist, so that's where I'll go. I think it'll probably just be a red line around my finger, maybe something more detailed. I won't be able to see it anyway."
 
"Wait, they'll let you do that?" Xander asked, taken completely by surprise.

Alec relaxed and smiled. "I'd like you both there. If you don't mind." He glanced toward his brother.

"Sure, I just didn't think they'd let you do that," Xander agreed readily. "I'll go with you, and... you can stay with me." He fiddled awkwardly with his clipboard, not wanting to ask Dark to stay but wanting him to. Maybe he could use Alec as an excuse. "Might be easier that way. With all of us together. Then we can step out if you don't want us there." He addressed Dark with that one.

~~

"A little bit of flair might be nice, but, yes, simple would be beautiful," Sally agreed. "Actually, I have a tatoo I got for Jack. No one except him and the artist who gave it to me know it."
 
"Of course they do. This is the first one of this manner of visit Daizi has not been at with me for in..." He frowned heavily, trying but genuinely failing to think of the last time she hadn't been with him, "and I go to all of her appointments, she needs the support." Touching his right hand to his left ring finger, he continued, "It depends on what they want to examine and what questions they intend to ask if I am comfortable with you being in the room with me."

~~

"Really?" Daizi asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise. With everything she knew about Sally, she did not expect her to be the type to go out and get a secret tattoo, "What is it? Where is it? Did it hurt? I mean, I know that tattoos hurt, I've been in the room with Dark more than enough times to learn that second-hand, I was there when he had his... You have to tell me what this tattoo is!"
 
"I can't remember the last time we actually came to a doctor's visit like this," Alec mused. "All I remember is the last time, they had us go separate."

"And you screamed like they were dipping you into an acid bath when they got your blood pressure," Xander said.

"You kicked the nurse in the shin when they tried to take yours."

"Because you screamed like it hurt!"

~~

"Yes, it did hurt, and it was one of my most rebellious acts, if not my most rebellious act ever," Sally mused. "I am not certain I should tell you, though. After all, that would make another person who knows." She was teasing, of course.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top