How Green Becomes Wood

"We have to pick up a few things. I can run out to the store today to get them," It bothered him they didn't have this all prepared, but the day they had planned to discuss it, they had been assaulted. Daizi understood, of course, but he still didn't like feeling underprepared, "I know what her favourite dinner is, if you both can figure out breakfast... Just send me a list. Giving the other gift at dinner and the rest earlier in the day would be nice, I think."

He looked at Xander for a few moments, and then, gently, said, "If this is too much for you right now, you can go and rest."
 
"Then, I think we have it all planned!" Alec said cheerfully. "I can go with you to help you with the shopping." He turned and lightly touched Xander's arm. "We're all done. You can go rest, if you want."

"All planned?" Xander frowned, pulling away from Alec's touch.

"Yes?" Alec said uncertainly. Xander seemed upset, but about what, he wasn't certain.

"Fantastic. Glad it's all planned. Then what about Mum, huh? Are we just going to forget about her? Did you even think about her during all this planning?" Xander demanded, standing up.

"No, I didn't forget about her," Alec said meekly, taken completely off guard. "I thought about going today, but with your head, it might not be a good idea."

"Right, sure, an easy excuse," Xander growled, prowling in the small space available to him. His head throbbed at the same beat as his pacing.

Alec hesitated. "Xander, you are really hurt. I have to take that into account, and this is a special day for Mama, for Daizi. And Mum..."

"Mum's dead, so she can wait? Is that what you were going to say?" Xander snapped, wincing as his own voice sent a lance of pain through his head.

"No, I was going to say she'd understand if we were just a little late or a little early because you couldn't go out during the daylight, and maybe we could go this evening," Alec said gently.

"Well, that's just great. Wonderful planning, shoehorning in the dead one in to make more room for the new one," Xander half shouted. He stopped abruptly and sat down, holding his head in both hands. "@^&!*@ head!" he snarled in a quiet voice.
 
Dark stayed quiet for a moment, watching this go down between the two boys, uncertain of exactly what do say. He knew Daizi hadn't forgotten about Tara, but he wasn't certain if that would be helpful to mention, and he probably should have made more of an effort to incorporate their real--no--other--the villain in Coraline?--biological--mother. But most of their planning for Mother's Day they had done individually, so he had... sort of just presumed they would come to him with what they wanted to do for her. But he guessed they hadn't spoken about it at all.

"There is no reason why you cannot visit her on Mother's Day," Dark said in a calm voice, "I will gladly drive you. At any time tomorrow, for however long you want. Or you can walk, if you prefer that, so long as you tell us when you are leaving."
 
Alec scooted closer to Xander and reached out carefully. When Xander didn't pull away, he drew his brother in for a tight hug, letting Xander's head rest on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I should have communicated better," he said softly. "I never forgot about her. I promise. I just... wasn't sure of my timing. We'll talk about it and go see her, okay?"

Xander pulled away gently. "What's the point? The dead don't care." He turned and shuffled away toward the stairs.

"No, but the living do," Alec said quietly. He turned to Dark. "We - Xander and I - we need to talk a bit. I'll let you know of our plans. Do you want me to come with you on your shopping trip?"
 
"Whatever you need," Dark said carefully, keeping his eyes on Xander. "I am alright shopping alone, do not worry. I think, right now, you should stay with him and take the time to figure things out. That is what is more important right now."
 
Alec took enough time to give Dark a quick hug - Ivy and all - and said, "Don't worry. This doesn't change anything about tomorrow and our plans." Then he hurried upstairs to catch up to Xander.

Xander lay on his bed facing the wall with the curtains drawn.

Alec said on the edge of the bed without touching him and looked down. "I think we need to talk."

"Sure. Now we do," Xander grumbled.

"I admit, I should have been more open with you, but the same could have been same of you, especially if you were hurting like this," Alec pointed out. He waited, but when Xander didn't respond, he said, "We're going to go see Mum. As soon as is feasible. That's what you need."

"Now you know what I need, do you?" Xander grumbled.

Alec reached out and squeezed Xander's shoulder gently. "One of us has to."
 
Dark briefly hugged him back, and Ivy tried to grip onto Alec, but was stopped from doing so. "Just focus on yourselves right now."

Once both twins were out of sight, he sighed, pushed his hair back, and looked down at Ivy, "Come on, let us go see Mama and Enkidu, okay? Do you want to come with Baba when Baba goes to the store, sweet baby? We have to wait until we know what we are getting first."

It was much easier to talk to her in that moment than it was to figure out what was happening with the twins or what they should do about it. It wasn't like he could make any decisions on their behalf about this, and it wasn't like he could relate. Not really. Yes, his mother was dead, but... His grief was different, he thought. As far as he had learned about Tara, she tried for them.
 
Alec came down the stairs nearly an hour later and went searching for Dark to present him with the list of needed things. It was a short list as they already had nearly everything needed, and off to one side he'd written down what dishes the items were for. He was actually thankful Daizi couldn't see, meaning writing things down like this and handing them around was not a security risk. "We came to some decisions!" he announced. "Xander helped. Also... we need you to answer for us when we should go visit... Mum. We'd like to go today, but with Xander's head..." He gave a little shrug.
 
"If he can handle it, I will be glad to drive you." Dark replied, "Unless you would prefer otherwise, I can drop you off on my way to the store and pick you up on my way home, so you will be able to visit in complete privacy."
 
Dark nodded, and then went to tell Daizi what the plan was. After taking some time to discuss it, they decided Ivy would stay home with Daizi, because as much as Dark had wanted to take her out into public and let her socialize out in the world, he knew the twins would probably be in a quiet, somber mood when they were finished, and putting them immediately into a car with a happy, chatty baby was likely overwhelming. So she would stay with her mother, and maybe the next day--if Xander could handle it--they'd go to a park.
 
Xander was in all black, which was not unusual for him. Alec was black pants and wore a black shirt open over a bright yellow shirt underneath. Alec requested they stop for flowers, and it would only take him a second because he'd looked up the available flowers in advance. He knew exactly what he wanted and where it was and it wasn't too far from the cemetary. They both bid Daizi and Ivy goodbye and headed for the car.
 
Dark had no qualms about stopping for flower and Daizi stopped herself from offering they take some of hers. Once they were ready, Dark got into the car with them and drove them first to the florist, and then to the cemetery, following their lead in everything. If they wanted to talk on the ride, he spoke with them, if they wanted music, he let them put it on. But he wanted to give them space to behave how they felt most comfortable, rather than attempting to behave like they thought they should.
 
Xander walked through the graveyard as quickly as he dared, hands shoved into his pockets so hard he was pretty sure he heard a couple of stitches pop. He didn't care. He just wanted to get this over with. This was all so stupid. But he was the one who had made the big fuss, so now here he was walking through a bunch of dead people until he could face one particular dead person. What was the point of all this? He wasn't sure he believed in any kind of afterlife, so what was the point of talking to the dead. Some people said the dead were looking down on their loved ones, but if that was true, that sounded like hellish afterlife to him, but if that wasn't true, then it was still pointless. Yet, here he was with Alec following behind him with a small bouquet of flowers. Daisies and little yellow sunflowers and a couple of sprigs of tiny flowers he didn't know the name of. He stopped in front of the small, drab-looking headstone. It had been so long since they'd last been here. The cemetery kept things tidy, but her headstone looked particularly drab thanks to the larger, shinier headstones covered in flowers and trinkets on either side. Xander stopped and stood staring at the engraved stone, pushing his fists in harder.

Tara Aven Cunningham: Loving Mother

That was all it said other than her birth and death dates. That's all the insurance would pay for, not that a pair of 15-year-old boys would really know what to put on their mother's headstone, anyway. Simple and to the point. Cold, even. Then again, what wasn't cold in a graveyard? At least, a graveyard that wasn't given the love and care from people like Daizi who weren't afraid of death.

"Hi, Mum," Alec said, laying the flowers down gently on the headstone. "I'm sorry it's been so long since we've come to see you. A lot's happened." He paused and opened an umbrella Xander hadn't even realized he was carrying and held it so Xander stood in the shade. "Tomorrow is going to be a special day, but I think you know about that. We're going to ask Dark and Daizi to adopt us. Officially. You'd really like them. I wish you could meet them. You'd have so much fun together!"

"If they could meet, then we wouldn't be in this situation," Xander growled. He shifted his weight, wishing he could pace. "Why do you talk like that, anyway? You don't believe in an afterlife."

"No," Alec agreed, "but on the off chance I'm wrong, and on the off chance that the afterlife allows messages of some kind to loved ones, I like to do this. Plus, more than that, afterlives aside, this makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I'm staying connected to her. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Because it's stupid!" Xander snapped. He paced in a tiny circle, never leaving the shade of the umbrella. "This whole thing is stupid! We wouldn't be here if it weren't for her and her stupid mistakes, but you only ever focus on the good things. The happy things."

Alec thought about that for a moment. "True. We wouldn't be here," he lingered on the words, "if not for her mistakes. We wouldn't exist at all."

"Yeah, I got that with the pause," Xander huffed, still pacing. "Yeah, fine, we owe our existence to her mistakes, whoopy, but that doesn't change the fact that she could have done a hell of a lot better! She made mistakes, sure, everyone makes mistakes, and we live with the consequences, but it's like she never learned! She could have tried to make up with her mom or her sister to try to have a better life. Probably wouldn't have worked, but she could have tried! She could have worked harder on herself rather than trying to find a guy to fix her problems. Guy after guy after guy, and they just kept getting worse! It was always, 'this is the one,' and then, Bam! Definitely not the one! And we were usually the ones to pay for it! It was selfish! So incredibly selfish!"

Alec waited until Xander stopped pacing to catch his breath. "It was pretty selfish," he agreed softly. "Do you remember that one guy we called Atomic Toilet because he made the place reek like a sewer? He never once touched us, but he did give her an almighty smack one night when he was drunk. We moved out three days later. Then there was Buddy Boy because that's what he always called us. He never once touched her, but then there was time when she was out he got mad. Do you remember what happened after that?"

Xander shoved his hands into his pockets, this time definitely hearing something rip. "Yeah," he mumbled at the ground. "She saw the scratches on your arm, heard the stories, and let him explain himself."

"We thought she was going to take his side," Alec nodded.

"Then she walloped him up alongside the head with a lamp," Xander said, almost smiling at the memory.

"She did drive him to the hospital and paid for his bill before informing every nurse in the ER that she'd caught him laying hands on her kids. I don't think they treated him with much sympathy after that," Alec said with a little smile. "And do you remember when the neighbor kid broke your new toy? The one you'd saved all your pocket change to buy?"

"I think I might have broken his nose," Xander admitted.

"His parents were furious, and Mum told them off."

After a moment, Xander said quietly, "Then she sat there with me trying to fix it. She didn't get mad at me. She did tell me I shouldn't hurt people, but it was kind of more like an add on than something she meant." He swallowed hard. "She smelled like perfume because she worked next to the perfume counter and sometimes covered for them. That stupid Celtic Thunder band was playing in the background. When she got Mr. Thunders fixed, she sat on the floor with me and played for a bit until she had to go back to work."

"Her favorite color was yellow. Bright, happy, and sunshiny," Alec said.

"But she didn't like it paired with black because it made her think of bees, and she was allergic to bees. Or maybe just scared and lied to make it seem more logical," Xander said with a weak chuckle.

"She tried to help me with my hair with I said I wanted to dye it for school spirit day," Alec smiled, looking at the headstone. "When it came out looking like someone had electrified an avocado instead of blue, she made me feel better by saying it was her second favorite color and gave me one of her favorite hats to wear. She didn't even get mad at me when I lost her hat."

Xander nodded slightly. "You did look like an idiot. Sometimes she'd let me help her in the kitchen even when we were low on food. She tried not to show that it bugged her, but I know it did. And she wouldn't talk about certain things. And she wouldn't listen when I said you were getting bullied. And she let us sleep in bed with her when we had nightmares as long as she didn't have a guy over."

"Mum wasn't perfect. I know that," Alec told Xander, "but I focus on the good things because I want to. I still have a lot of scars and things I need to overcome because of her, we both do, but she also showed us as much love as she could. She showed us she loved us, and even when life really sucked, she'd refuse to let it get her down. Random dance parties when she wasn't exhausted. Picking up yellow things at the thrift store. Letting us make fun shapes in hardtack so we wouldn't think about how hungry we were. She tired."

"Yeah. She tried." Xander hiccuped suddenly and gave a little sob. He sank down to the grass and hugged his knees. "I miss her," he admitted wetly. "I'm so angry at her for leaving us! She wasn't even supposed to be out that night. She left us and never came back. But I want her back! But if she hadn't left us, then we wouldn't have our current life, and I love it so much, and that makes me feel guilty!"

Alec sat next to Xander and put his arm around his brother as he broke down and cried.

"I miss my Mum," Xander admitted, snuffling, "and I love Daizi like my own Mama, and I don't want to lose her, but I wish we could still have our Mum. I want both. And I can't. Now who's selfish?"

"Not you," Alec said gently, hugging him, fighting his own tears. "Not you. It's okay. I miss her, too, and I wish she'd never gone out that night, but she did. She did because she was going to get bandaids for you and report Dax to the police."

"I don't remember that," Xander admitted.

Alec leaned against him. "You were hurting pretty bad, and she couldn't say anything where he might hear, but I saw her taking pictures. For once, she was actually going to do an actual police report and make certain we were safe. I wasn't supposed to tell, and after what happened and we ran away, I forgot and just didn't think it mattered."

"She died... because she was going to take care of us," Xander said softly.

"She died because some a*****e thought four drinks were fine and he could still drive," Alec stated firmly.

Xander bit his lip and leaned into Alec. "She would like Daizi."

"She would love Daizi," Alec agreed.

"She wouldn't get along with Dark."

"No, probably not."

"But she'd respect him."

"Definitely."

Xander took a shuddering breath. "I miss her. I'll always miss her. Maybe I'll stay a little angry. But... I think... I think we can move on." He lowered his head and cried harder while Alec just held him.
 
At home, Daizi sat nursing Ivy, lying back on their bench swing. Ivy's little hand was curling against her breast, and her breathing as slow and gentle while her mother hummed to her. This, Daizi knew, was not an experience she ever got to have with her own mother, because they never got to live at the same time. It had been a long time since she had wondered what her mom was like, all she knew was stories about her, and she doubted them, somewhat. They were probably idealized, to make it easier not to have her around. To make it easier on her brother, who had gotten to know her.

But now Daizi was a mother to a daughter, and she couldn't help but think about this woman she never knew, and if she would have measured up to her. With what she had heard, the fact she left their faith would have been a sore point. But she wanted to believe her mother would have supported the rest. That she wouldn't have been at all bothered by the way her daughter came out, and the shape she grew into.

Grieving for a persons she never knew was difficult, and for a long time it didn't really phase her, after many years of it deeply bothering her. But now Ivy was at her breast, and Daizi knew exactly what her mother had missed with her, and she knew exactly what she herself had missed out on, because even though she wouldn't remember it, it would have been part of her.

She thought, also, about her boys. Again, she liked to believe her mother would have adored them. They were grieving a mother they did know, and that wasn't something she knew how to relate to. They were sixteen and concerned with how to celebrate their deceased mother on Mother's Day, and she was 37, and it hadn't even occurred to her, even though she did devoutly believe in the afterlife. Her mother was the grandmother to a granddaughter, now. And Ivy would never get to know what it was like to have a grandmother.

"Oh," Daizi breathed, stroking Ivy's hair, "Teta would've loved you. She would have, and she would have loved your brothers, too."

At the store, Dark's thoughts, too, drifted to his mother, as he filled his basket with everything he needed to celebrate his wife. Like her, Dark didn't know how to relate to the twins. He hadn't warmed up to his mother, much, in the years since her death. He had softened enough to respect the fact his mother was not a total villain, his father had abused her, also, he had watched her be abused by him. They only had one room to share amongst themselves, it was hard to miss. But that did not mean she was required to do the same things to him. It wouldn't have been easy to leave, she may not have been able to protect him from his father, but she could have chosen not to lay her hands on him just like he did. His sympathy stopped there, because he was just as frightened of her as he was of him. That was her choice, and the kindest thing she ever did was not have more children.

But that didn't mean he didn't still find himself wishing things had been different. His sons were visiting their mother's gravesite, and that was something he could never do. Daizi could, and sometimes did, when they returned to Egypt. Her mom was buried beside her brother. But he could not. Even if he did return to Baghdad, he didn't go to the funeral, if there was a funeral. He didn't know where they were buried. His grief was different from that of his wife's, different from his sons', because he did not mourn his mother's death. He did not grieve for a person he never knew. He did not grieve for the good parts in a flawed woman. He grieved for the fact he had a mother, once, but he had never had a mom. But like Daizi, he grieved not having tender moments to reflect on, and like Alec and Xander, he grieved the lack of a resolution. Of the three of them, none of them got to see if, maybe, she would have turned it around, some day.

Tara might have, he thought, walking to the checkout line. His own mother? She didn't even hold him as the bombs fell. She allowed her husband to kick him out into the night. In a way, she saved his life. She'd have to forgive him for not feeling gratitude about it.

If he never got to have a mother, and Daizi never got to have a mother, and the twins' first mother had died too young, then at least Ivy, who looked up at Daizi with warm, sleepy eyes, had hers. And now, the twins' have a second, for all of the complicated feelings inherent to it.

Dark put the shopping bags in the trunk of his car with a heavy, painful sigh, then he got into his car, and drove to the cemetery. When he arrived, he sent Xander a text to let him know he was there, but assured them to take their time. He was in no rush.
 
It took several minutes for the twins to walk back to the car. Both had clear signs that they'd been crying. Xander was also clearly in pain with every step, but he climbed into the car without complaint, seeming lighter than he had before.

Alec leaned forward between the front seats, resting his cheek against Dark's upper arm briefly. "We're ready for tomorrow," he said softly. "Thank you. Thank you very much. We're ready to go home now, if that's okay with you."
 
Dark reached back and patted Alec's cheek, since he didn't want to hurt his scalp, "Of course." Then he released Alec, and before starting the car, passed them both back a bottle of water, and, for Xander, a bottle of pain medication. He guessed they would have cried, and they needed to hydrate, and he guessed Xander in particular would be worn out following this.

After giving them a moment or two, he turned the car back on, and drove home. "You can just go on inside," he told them as he parked, "I can bring in the groceries myself."
 
The twins downed the bottles of water before they reached home, and Xander took the pain meds without complaint. They rode in silence, Xander leaning against Alec the whole way there. Dark had guessed exactly right.

"I want to help," Alec said as Xander opened the door and slowly climbed out. "I'll help you."

Xander took a bag without asking and hauled it inside. The one trip was all he could manage, and he headed upstairs quietly, but he felt better for having at least taken in one bag.
 
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