How Green Becomes Wood

"I think we did," Dark said slowly, trying to think about it, "but I was so tired, I do not remember it at all. Certainly one of the people who came by would. I know people stopped by throughout the day."

"I know we dressed Ivy up in a bat shaped swaddling cloth," Daizi said, able to remember that much, "but I hardly recall being a human person those first few weeks. I very much remember feeling like I'd never feel like a person again on Halloween, I was still in pain, and we were operating on such few hours of sleep."
 
"I think you just wore Halloween vibes more than actual costumes," Alec remembered. "It's okay. This year, we'll do something special. We'll all dress up and be cool!"

"Yay, dress up," Xander said dryly. "Hey, come on. It's barely summer. Let's have fun in the sun for a little bit before we turn into lobsters."
 
"I love dressing up," Daizi said, picking up her pace with the rest of them as they walked through the park.

First they took a nice stroll around the perimeter of the park and then stopped to rest beneath a tree. Ivy needed a meal and a bit of rest, and Dark gladly held her against his chest as she napped, and although she slept deeply, her nap was shortened purely because of the different environment. Still, she woke up as cheery as ever, after she had been charged, and she gleefully played more. As they rested there, he looked at the park equipment and remembered earlier that day, the sign Xander had made him, and his own childhood, and after a quick google search, he said, "I am going to push Ivy on the baby swing."

"Is she big enough?" Daizi asked.

"I just checked, she is able to sit upright unsupported, so she can be in the swing. And I loved the swingset, when I was young."
 
"Can you fit on the swing now?" Alec asked curiously as he picked dandelions.

Xander lay on his back tossing the ball with himself, balancing it on his fingertips and rolling it back and forth idly. "I'd swing," he remarked.

"I would too," Alec agreed.
 
"I do not know, I have not tried, actually. I suppose it depend on the specific swing," Dark answered as he stood up. Then, he lifted Ivy and gleefullg told her, "You are about to have so much fun, my darling girl."

"Just... be careful," Daizi said, although she knew he would be, her concern came solely from the place of not having realized she could already enjoy things like that.

After Dark quickly used a sanitizing wipe on the baby swing, he carefully set Ivy into it, and took a quick picture of her, because it was her very first time in a swing, and then very gently pushed it from the front, rather than the back. Really, he hardly moved it at all, but it was enough. At first, Ivy seemed a bit uncertain,
 
Xander rolled the ball toward Enkidu and rolled to his feet. He followed Dark, hands in pockets, but kept his distance as he watched them. He moved behind Dark and watched Ivy. He made a few faces at her but didn't interfere beyond that.

Alec stayed where he was and finished braiding dandelions into a crown. He gave the crown to Daizi for her to enjoy.
 
Another thing, Dark knew, was his father would never have done this with him. But he was going to with his child, and everytime the swing swung back towards him, he grinned as big a grin as he ever could without feeling silly, and then he was push her away again, and Ivy's uncertainty faded to enjoyment, although it might have just been the silly faces her baba was making.

Eventually, he turned to the side and looked at Xander, "Do you want to push her? Because of the shape of the swing, you touch plastic, not her, so I would not guess it would bother you."

When Daizi took the crown from Alec, she touched the blooms carefully and then smelled them, "Have I told you, habibi, that despite my entire garden, my favourite flower is still dandelions?"
 
"Nah," Xander said, shaking his head. "This is your time. I can do it any time. There's only one 'first time swinging.' I'm good with watching."

Alec smiled as she examined the blooms. "I remember you told me you liked them, but I don't remember you telling me they were your favorite."
 
"If you are sure," Dark said, and then turned back to Ivy, catching the swing as it went up so he could look at her for a moment, and then let it go, much to her amusement.

"I love how they grow regardless of what anyone else has to say about it," Daizi said, running her thumb around the circumference of the crown, "People call them weeds just because they want to bloom by their own schedule... When Dark and I were young, he wanted to bring me flowers, but he couldn't afford a bouquet, so he'd pick dandelions, and wild violets if he could find them, but we were in a city, so dandelions were easier to find. My whole dorm room in college smelled like dandelions. Then, when we were back together, and we were broke, because my father wasn't helping to support me, and I was in grad school, and he had just finished his bachelor's degree and was working at this terrible office job where everybody he spoke to on the phone thought they had called an offshore call center, and we were barely making our bills, but one day he told me to wear a nice dress and he brought me to this little patch of grass he had found--I think we were technically trespassing--and it was full of dandelions, and there was this creek, and the breeze couldn't blow without being able to smell them, and we shared khubaz and soup from a thermos, and we braided each other crowns like this." She raised it up, and smiled a small, wistful smile, "Sometimes I miss those scrappy, stressful, frenzied days."
 
Xander stood back where he could watch Dark and Ivy swinging. He nodded to himself. Yes, he was sure. Dark loved Ivy, Ivy loved Dark, and they loved playing together. After a bit, though, he did say, "I guess if you wanted to give swinging a try, those ones look like they might work. Especially that one. The dirt's all worn down deep."

Alec sighed wistfully and propped his chin on his hands. How romantic! "Do you really miss those days?" he asked curiously. "If you could go bback to them, would you?"
 
"But if I am swinging, who would push her?" Dark asked mildly, "I think if someone like me starts swinging at the park, the correct response is to call the cops." Although he was mostly joking, he did find it difficult to imagine not feeling awkward and not weirding others at the park out if he hopped on the swing set and gave it ago.

Daizi thought about Alec's question for a little while, "I don't miss struggling to pay the bills or how we ran out of hot water almost immediately, and I definitely do not miss the mold or hearing our neighbors through the walls. But I miss the chaotic hope of it all. I miss boiling a pot of water on the stove so we could delay turning on the heat a little while longer, and eating leftover Chinese takeout on our balcony while I stressed about my thesis and Dark complained about how he had no idea how he'd survive office life. He was training as a tattoo apprentice, still, on the weekends, but that wasn't really bringing in money, and I had a stipend from school, but it wasn't much, and we had really strict rules about what we were allowed to do... But we were young, and Cooger was living with us--and was a lot more successful than either of us were--and there's a sort of freedom in your twenties, because you don't know what you're doing, but you're able to laugh about the fact you don't know what we're doing. Now Dark and I are closer to being 40 than 20, and we have a lot more responsibility," she gestured around the picnic blanket, covered in baby toys, "obviously. And I'm successful and respected, rather than fighting to prove myself, which is objectively a better position to be in, but it also felt a lot more free. I remember making mistakes that, at the time, felt world ending, that now I know were normal and easy to fix, and I remember sitting and crying on our kitchen floor about my research, and how my advisor was going to kill me, and it was awful, and I remember being invited to Spencer's apartment on a random Thursday and not getting home until two a.m., and needing to be at class the next day, but we laughed so hard we thought we'd die."

She chuckled at the memory with her head tipped back towards the sky, "I do miss it. I don't think I'd go back to it, because it wouldn't be the same to relive it, but there's something special about being free and stuck and oscillating between feeling like an adult and feeling like a kid a thousand times a day. It was horrible and it was wonderful and I was in love. I think... I'm glad to not be there anymore, but I'm still really glad they happened. Even though there are some parts I wish we could've avoided."
 
Xander shrugged. "I guess I'd look after her, then, if you were swinging." He walked over to the closest one and plunked himself down. "But if you're not going to, I guess I might as well." He didn't care what other people thought of a teen or a giant swinging on a playground. They could mind their own business. Besides, everything Dark did garnered attention no matter what it was just because of the sheer size of him.

Alec considered that thoughtfully. "I think I understand," he said slowly. "And I think I look forward to my twenties if they are anything like that. In feeling, anyway. I'd rather not live with mold and a thesis paper, but that idea of freedom and romance!" He sighed again and picked a dandelion to twirl. "Of course, we might still be living with you, then, which would be wonderful! And I don't think either of us will be sneaking around like you and Baba did." He infused his tone with humor to show he was joking.
 
"You are free to," Dark said before adding in a more joking tone, "but I do not think I can push both of you at the same time."

"Sneaking around is half the fun," Daizi replied with a grin, "That's something I do genuinely miss. It was so messy, and in retrospect, unnecessary, but it was fun. Pretending like we were just friends and trying to not get caught... We'll never have that sort of relationship again, and it's for the best, because it's healthier to be open about how you feel for someone, but... Counting down the hours, finding excuses... I think everybody deserves a romance like that, even if it's just a fling..." She shrugged, taking a breath, "You are, of course, welcome to live with us for as long as you want, and I will gladly ignore anything you want me to if you want to at least pretend to sneak around... We'll have been married for ten years, this November."
 
"Oh, darn. I was so looking forward to getting pushed," Xander said dryly. He shoved himself off with his feet and started swinging, keeping fairly low instead of pushing to see how high he could go.

Alec made a stirring motion with his finger even though Daizi couldn't see it. "Isn't this where you're supposed to lecture me on the health and safety aspects of an intimate relation? Maybe tell me how I should be uber cautious if not wait for marriage entirely?"
 
"When is the last time you used the swings?" Dark asked from a place of genuine curiosity, "I think it is something you love doing as a child, and then one day becomes the last day you ever swing, and you do not realize it until years later."

"You can sneak around and be safe," Daizi replied, a bit surprised the conversation had taken this turn, but more than willing to have it, "Abstinence was never really something that worked for me, and it's not something I'd teach, even though it is the only absolutely definite way to avoid any unwanted consequences, but... If you partner is someone who can get pregnant, they should use birth control, of any type, and there are a lot, but even if they are on it, or your partner cannot get pregnant--use Ivy as a reminder that infertility does not mean the same thing as sterility, if your partner has those parts there's a chance--you have to make sure to be safe on your side and use a condom because STIs are always a risk. And you have to protect your metaphysical heart, but that doesn't have an easy tutorial."
 
Xander had to think about that, and his swing slowed even more. "Um... I don't remember," he finally admitted. "I didn't do it much. It was too hard to watch your back. When I was real little - like... five, I think? - this kid came up behind me and shoved me off. We'd usually just hang out under the equipment instead of on it."

"That... was a little more than I was expecting," Alec admitted, trying not to feel uncomfortable, "but it makes sense." He glanced at Daizi. "Not that I'll ever really have a need to bother since we're not ever going to do relationships... but do you have a guideline for the metaphysical heart protection bit?"
 
"My school had a playground with a metal slide, and it burned you in summer, but it was fast." Dark said, pushing Ivy back, "I would sneak onto the school ground at night, when no-one else was there, and that is when I would use the equipment. Even when I was a bit too old, it was nice to have somewhere to go to."

Daizi shook her head, pressing her back against the tree, "You and your brother love asking questions and then recoiling when they're answered honestly. You ask about health and safety of an 'intimate relation' and flinch at the word 'condom.' I'm not sure what you were expecting me to say..." She was less certain about Alec's continued commitment to never being in a relationship, giving the nature of these questions, but she doubted inquiring about how firmly still believed that seemed unwise, "Protecting your heart is a little more tricky, because it comes down to who you are, and who they are, and how deeply you felt about them. There was no protecting myself when Dark and I decided to break up since I was being called home to Egypt, even though we both decided it together. I didn't dump him because I was going back, he didn't dump me, we just decided long distance was stupid and wouldn't work. But we loved each other so much, it was one of the most painful decisions we ever made, even though we hadn't even been brave enough to say, I love you yet. We didn't say I love you until we reunited, because we thought being boyfriend and girlfriend was 'cringe.' And even if you are in a relationship that isn't ending, like what Dark and I have now, sometimes you still get hurt. But when a person is dating, before they find their future spouse, before it's permanent, it helps if you love yourself, first. If you are comfortable single and maintain your identity in your relationship, if it ends, you have enough of yourself left to fall back on. But you're still going to grieve it, often even if it was your choice, even if you knew it was the right thing. But that's true for anything. If Peter moved away tomorrow, it'd hurt. All of the sadness people feel after a breakup is just grief someone they cared about is no longer in their life, when you get down to the core of it."

She sighed, taking a few moments to think through her relationships with people other than Dark, "I don't think I was ever in love with anyone else the way I am in love with your father, but I did love others. I loved the fiancé I abandoned, and it took me a long time to admit that, because admitting it meant having to admit what I did was unkind to him. And I know he loved me. I had a three month fling with a Parisian drag queen--she came to our wedding, actually. She gave us an espresso machine," she laughed, a bit sadly, "I think what has helped me the most in romance, and even in friendship, because platonic friendships falling apart can be just as painful, even though we don't talk about it, is to judge the relationship by how it was when things were good, not by how it was when they were ending. I used to be friends--just friends--with this woman named Beatrice. We met in high school, she was my roommate, my Cooger, you could say. She was my best friend, but she just... Didn't grow up. Married her high school sweetheart right after high school, had a brood of rotten kids, and we had a really one-sided relationship, I was always having to rescue her from a crisis, and she was never willing to support me. We had this huge fight one day, because she wouldn't teach her kids how to not endanger me, and by the end of it she said some really horrible things about me, and that was that." She ran her fingertip against her knuckle, "It hurt like a breakup, because even though we had never been 'in love,' I loved her. And then she was gone, and I was so angry at her. But do you know? Even though it ended like that--I don't regret staying up late and talking with her when we were friends, I don't regret being in her wedding, or teaching her Arabic curses. I don't regret being her friend, and that is how I protect my metaphysical heart."
 
"School playgrounds at night are the best. Until the meth heads pull up and have it out with their dealers, then it's not so cool." Xander gave himself a couple of swings and then dragged his feet to stop himself. "Right. Your turn." He stood up and moved to take over pushing Ivy and keeping her entertained. He planned to let Dark continue the pushing and not interfere, but how could he pass up the chance to talk Dark into actually swinging?

Alec pulled up his knees and hugged them to his chest as he listened to Daizi. He wasn't sure he understood everything she was telling him, at least not in detail, but he thought he understood what she was telling him. It was terrifying. Everything about it was terrifying. Everyone said people his age dating and doing... other stuff... was normal and healthy, but... he didn't think he was ready. How could he trust himself with someone else's heart like that? How could he trust someone else with his heart? Even "just" friendship was hard. How could he possibly go father than that?
 
"Believe it or not, drugs were not what I was most concerned with," Dark laughed grimly, but Ivy only interpreted it as a laugh. "Although I hear meth usage has gotten bad in Iraq, now. Those were the sorts of problems I was not really aware of, then." He paused to look at Xander, still uncertain, because of the other people around. Although he normally did not mind people seeing him live his life, because he knew perfectly well he was being judged regardless, there was something uncomfortable about the thought of using playground equipment at his age, and at his size. Maybe because he had locked himself so far out of his childhood.

When Alec didn't respond, Daizi chose to sit in silence for a little while, reflecting on her own experiences privately. Then, after awhile, she said, "There is so much in life we cannot control. But loving someone, even if it doesn't last, is worth a lot, I think. Regardless of what kind of love it is."
 
Xander watched Dark, practically seeing his indecision and his mind going back and forth. "If you don't take a chance, you'll be teaching your kids to be scared of peer pressure and what other people think," he remarked, only very lightly teasing him.

"I feel..." Alec hesitated, picking at the grass idly and tossing it onto Enkidu's fur. "I feel like I have a lot of love to give, but I don't know how. I mean, I think I'm learning how, but growing up, we barely had friends. I did somewhat, but they were like five-minute friends. I have no idea how to make an extended relationship work, but I think I'm getting the hang of it with Peter, Sloan, Tom, and Becky, but what about if I want to do an extended relationship with someone for... more than friendship?"
 
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