Vacillation (1x1 Mamoru and Avery)

"One can't finish something that doesn't have an end." Edmund pointed out, they hadn't set a number of rounds after all. Though, it could be argued that the second game would have ended when the wine was finished. There had been just too much between them that needed to be expressed. Perhaps later, they could play a proper game, more casual and without angles. "I'd suggest we play another round," Edmund began before admitting, "But I don't feel much like moving from this. Not to mention, dinner will be soon. If I don't make an appearance, they'll send someone" He'd need to redress for that, and it was something he was loathe to do, as it meant parting from Oliver and their shared contact.

It was then that an idea came to mind, one of potentially lewd ends and dubious origins, but Edmund suggested it in good faith. "Would you be open to sleeping without clothing tonight?" Before Oliver could answer, he made to explain. "I'm not trying to engender something sexual to happen, but thought it may facilitate us getting comfortable with each other... as we are." Their moment would only last awhile more, and Edmund didn't want to think of how long it would be before he could feel Oliver against him like this again. Once home, things would be so busy planning for the engagement party. So for tonight, maybe they could be like this a little longer, a little closer. It sounded terribly sleazy in suggestion though.
 
Oliver's fingers began tracing nonsensical patterns on Edmund's back. His fingers trailed slowly upwards before lightly playing with his hair, careful not to hurt Edmund. He recalled earlier that tugging on his hair wasn't a nice sensation for him. "I don't want to move or play another game, so that makes two of us," He replied, his fingers twirling around in Edmund's hair. He wondered if he should leave his room for dinner, knowing last time he didn't and the fact that he left the wedding early. He had to try and be less of a hermit to avoid anymore suspicion, but the ship's crew was his own staff. This wasn't anything they were unused to.

At the suggestion of sleeping sans clothing, Oliver's fingers stopped their minstrations briefly. He'd never slept without some sort of night gown or what have you, just having grown up with that being what you should do. The idea, at first, was weird to him. But he thought about it more... and it certainly wouldn't hurt either of them to do it. It would just be getting over the initial discomfort Oliver knew he would have doing such a thing.

"I.. could try it. I'm pretty sure you know it's a new concept for me," He replied finally. At this point, anything Edmund suggested, he was okay with at least trying. Edmund was teaching him things he wouldn't be able to know otherwise. Maybe Oliver would end up heavily enjoy sleeping without clothing, or maybe he'd hate it. He'd just have to find out.
 
So close, almost sharing breath, it was impossible not to miss the way Oliver paused at his suggestion. It wasn't a good sign, though predictable. Almost everything onward would be new territory for Oliver. Edmund couldn't fault him for a little apprehension or timidity. Though Edmund did wonder if there was ever a disparity between Oliver's words and feelings. Maybe it was only his inexperience, his diffidence, but Oliver's physical reactions seemed contradictory to his willingness. Maybe it was just Edmund's caution. He didn't want to stress Oliver.

Slow and steady, he tried to remind himself. Just take it slow.

"Don't worry, I won't let you get cold." Edmund assured in jest, pulling away just enough to see Oliver's face. "It'll be dark." he reminded. "I won't look if you don't want me to. We can even put a barrier of pillows between us if you like. Or if it's just too uncomfortable, you can dress. You needn't commit yourself to my foolish fancies." He brushed his thumb along Oliver's cheek, fondly, affectionately. "All right?"

Edmund didn't want Oliver to feel pressured, though he'd be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to sunset. A chance, even a fleeting one, to hold Oliver so close was worth investing in. He just needed to keep his desire in check and pray sleep didn't come too soon to him.
 
Oliver appreciated the conciousness for his timid nature towards... practically everything Edmund suggested. He wasn't sure how else to react other than with carefully thinking things over and replying with an affirmation. He didn't want to let Edmund down, have him disappointed, especially if, at one point in time or another, they'd be doing these things. Oliver would much rather have it sooner than later, and they would never hurt to try, would they?

He looked back at Edmund, grateful for someone so patient and willing to take things slowly. He could only imagine, however, how straining it must be. How Edmund might wish to just let things happen suddenly and without preparation and mention of it beforehand. "I trust you. I want to try it to get more comfortable with you, like you said." His fingers went back to their mindless minstrations at the nape of his neck. "I like having you as my heater, too."
 
"I'll be certain to add royal bed-warmer to my resume." Edmund quipped, wishing he could kiss Oliver with abandon, or press his face into the crook of Oliver's neck without worry of pain. If anything, the bruise helped keep him in check. A throbbing reminder of caution, and that there were storm clouds yet to pass. Oliver was getting engaged, married. Part of that still stung. And Edmund, criminally rude, belligerent, and jealous to a fault, knew that there would be tensions. When things were good, it was bliss. But when they were bad, there was nothing worse.

"Maybe you can blindfold me next time, and indulge your curiosities a bit" He suggested somewhat suddenly. If Edmund took more readily to exploring Oliver when he was blindfolded, perhaps Oliver may do the same. The idea was stimulating in both a nervous and thrilling way. Not being able to see Oliver's expressions left much to the imagination, but Edmund would have been willing.

For a while, they remained like that, wrapped in each other's embrace, heat trapped between them. Edmund could have slept there, so at ease he was. The sound of someone walking past their door sent a chill of fear through his stomach, fear of discovery, of ruining it all. He pulled away. "Though loathe I am to go, I should check in with the staff." Dinner was likely almost done. With the sides of his hands, Edmund brushed back Oliver's hair, admiring his face. "Could you spare a kiss for the road?"
 
"Of course I can," Olicer replied with a smile. He lifted his head from his shoulder and gave him a kiss, gentle and sweet, dragging it out as long as he could before pulling away. He helped Edmund get back dressed into his shirt, buttoning up the front and tucking in the back of his shirt. And just for good measure, gave him one last kiss before he left.

After he departed, Oliver cleaned up the mess on the bed. It wasn't that big of a deal, a deck of cards scattered here and there and some of Edmund's things were no big deal. He arranged the cards back into a neck stack and set them on the bedside table, along with his cravat and knife. He drank a bit of the wine as well, mostly because he didn't really have anything else to do.

It didn't take that long for Edmund to return, and when he did, Oliver realized and remembered what he had agreed to before -- sleeping without clothes. To his credit, he did attempt it -- it got as far as undressing to his undergarments before he told Edmund last minute that he thinks it'd be better if they maybe didn't do it tonight.

"Not because I don't want to, it just feels dangerous to on the ship," He told Edmund, and thus the two of them went to bed in their usual manner, dressed in bed clothing or slightly less than before. Despite the slight guilt Oliver had declining last second, he felt better sleeping at night when he didn't have to worry about this and that, how he looked, how he felt against Edmund, what it would look like if someone came in. Less to worry about as long as it was their usual behavior.

***

They arrived back at his estate by the time the two of them awoke, and nothing particularly important occurred at their arrival back home. Of course, with news of Oliver planning to become engaged with Lady Geneva, party planners, temporary servants as well as most of those employed already were brought into more of a hustle to prepare for the arrival of Lady Geneva and the engagement party to be held after she arrives. Many questions were seemingly constantly being asked of him in the time between his own arrival and Geneva's.

It felt like the lead coordinator of the event kept asking him the same question. "What color pallete do you want the party to be?", "Do you want small appetizers to be served or have a full dinner for guests?", "How big do you want the guest list?". It got to a point for Oliver where even just the mere sight of the lead coordinator made his head hurt. He tried several times that the lead coordinator could have all the liberties to hold a partynto their liking, whatever they thought best. But more than once, he was told that the party should be up to a king's standards and not someone as "lowly as he." Oliver struggled restraining his anger, but he managed surprisingly well.

When the day game that Geneva was finally to arrive, Oliver couldn't be more glad. The constant pestering was now over due to the fact that the party was to be held the same day. Oliver was clearly in a better mood, a grin seemingly always on his face as he made his rounds around the castle ensuring everything was in order before Geneva was to arrive.

Oliver was currently heading to where he assumed Edmund was to bring him along in welcoming Geneva and Theo to his castle. They were to arrive in the next hour or so. He heard Edmund was out in the gardens, having last be seen with a plate of tea and biscuits. So that's where he was heading, to the spot where they first started spending time together at. It felt so distant, the last time they did it.

Just as he was told, Edmund was there, patiently waiting. Oliver quickened his pace a little and reached him, letting out a short breath and sitting down across from Edmund. "Not surprised to find you here," Oliver said, immediately picking up one of the biscuits and eating it.
 
Disappointment was too strong of a word, but Edmund couldn't help feeling his spirits sink a little at Oliver backing out of their sleeping arrangement at the last minute. As he had expressed, it was probably for the best. In the event of an exigency, it would have been scandalously awkward, and it also ran the risk of sexual activity, which Edmund knew Oliver wasn't ready for. Edmund may have mentally been able to forbear, but in such a situation, he couldn't be certain that his body wouldn't react of it's own accord, potentially causing further tension and embarrassment between them.

No, it was for the best. Better saved for later. Much later he would imagine as preparing for Geneva and Oliver's public engagement would consume most, if not all, of their free time for the next week or so.

______________________​

They had been gone only days, but it felt like years upon returning home. Familiarity felt safe, comfortable. And onerous. Home was work for Edmund, and he was granted no grace period for readjusting to the usual pace of things. Not even with his salient bruising, which was apparently news worth spreading and having several laughs over. It had become the point of several jokes, tickling every other staffer's funny bone at his expense. It was predictable, expected even, but left Edmund bitterly miserable all the same. It was a feeling he found little alleviation for since Oliver was busy.

Things became like they were before he and Oliver ever kissed. Their interactions were fleeting and far between. Furtive touches and perhaps a desperate kiss cut short as duty called. He had thought of slipping surreptitiously into Oliver's quarters at night, but never acted on the desire. Their work left them both exhausted, enervated beyond affections, so there was little point in pursuing them.

And though he was at Oliver's beck and call, his lapdog before anyone else's bitch, Edmund found himself attending other matters while Oliver was holding counsel with those of rank and note. Edmund still fetched things for Marta, still help with serving and setting, still polished silver, dusted paintings, and washed windows. Though his privilege granted him authority over most servants, his duties were much the same as they were before. He could defer them, yes, but with the upcoming party, even that was almost impossible to do within reason. There simply wasn't anyone free.

When the day finally arrived, Edmund wasn't feeling relieved, or even tense. Instead, he was sullen as a spoiled child. And perhaps, a touch maudlin. The garden must have brought that on, or so he assumed. It held significant memories for him now, ones with Oliver. They saw each other daily, and yet Edmund missed him. Or, perhaps more accurately, he missed the intimacy and time they had during the wedding overseas. He hoped it didn't show as Oliver arrived.

"You look well." Edmund commented with a mild smile. "Excited for this evening's events, or just glad to have the preparations over with?" The latter, Edmund could sympathize with. The former, not as much. It hurt just to think about.
 
Glad that preparations were over was an understatement. He hadn't felt so overwhelmed with so many tasks all at once in such a short span since his father died and he was forced to immediately take on the role of king. It was odd to think that his father's death wasn't that long ago and he was already now well adjusted to his duties, his expectations and the stresses of this life. He recalled fondly on those days and nights where he'd scour over every letter his father drafted, studying the connotation and diction of his words, those endless, sleepless nights where he made sure he was familiar with all the names of families his own family were acquainted with in some way. He learned to manage his time and slowly came into the way of life that was now his until he was upon death's bed, like his father. He let out a satisfied sigh at the tart sweetness of the biscuits and of how much progress he made.

"I'm glad I'm not hounded over bullshit any longer," He replied, cleaning the edges of his mouth with a handkerchief. "Though I can't lie and say I'm not excited for Geneva's arrival. She's a kind woman," He added. He briefly wondered if she brought her family along, perhaps her father, perhaps her mother, and he would have to meet them.

"Though I must apologize for the lack of interaction with you these past few days. I've been too exhausted, and I'd rather not give you half-assed attention."
 
'Half-assed' would have been better than none. Edmund would have taken anything readily. Even shallow, perfunctory attention. They would have been table-scraps compared to anything he and Oliver had previously shared, but Edmund would have found a way to sustain himself on it. Even fat, gristle and offal could be palatable to the starved. And that was what Edmund felt. It was needy of him, and that was chiefly why he tried to keep it to himself. There was nothing more pathetic than someone begging for something that couldn't reasonably be given. And there certainly wasn't any reasonable time for such encounters. Not with the party quickly approaching.

"It's fine." Edmund dismissed, tone too soft to be genuine. "I can't fault you for it as, I, myself, have been flagrantly busy." He had been using work to distract himself from wanting what he couldn't have. It was only moderately effective, and the labor made his back ache more than sleep could cure. He'd never been so taken with someone as he was with Oliver. He never knew romance before this, and so had no psychological means of dealing with it

"I wish I could share your enthusiasm." Because it would have been better than the jealousy and dread bubbling like tar in his guts.
 
Oliver picked up his tea cup and took a short sip. He certainly missed this, a semi-private area for he and Edmund to speak together in. The aroma of flowers was either particularly strong today, or Oliver hadn't picked up on their scent in so long that it seemed like it was a stronger smell. Either way, it was relaxing, and it certainly aided in his already pretty chipper mood. The tea was just as good as he recalled it being, and he enjoyed tasting it again after quite a few busy and eventful past few days.

Oliver knew that the lack of affection between the two of them was something Edmund disliked -- he didn't like it himself either. But now that the party was today, he could look forward to devoting more time to him. The problem he would be having is keeping the façade up that he was in love with Geneva while also spending more time with Edmund. He'd figure it out in time. "I promise you that tonight, my bed chamber will be open for you."

"I just have one request, and that's for you to not get into another fight with Theo. Just avoid her tonight, and we'll be fine."
 
The chance to spend time alone with Oliver, for an extended period, not just a fleeting moment, kindled both hopeful eagerness and impatience in Edmund. A light at the end of the tunnel, an end of soft-suffering in sight. He could have Oliver in his embrace within hours, indulging every missed affection with interest. He just had to make it through the party. And after waiting days for such an embrace, the next hours spent in anticipation of it would be sadistic.

"You tease." Edmund reproved playfully. "How am I supposed to enjoy you tonight if I get shamelessly drunk during the party?" Longanimity was best paired with inebriation, it attenuated the hurt. But Edmund didn't want to spend his night with Oliver drunk. He wanted to be lucid, present, and attentive to every subtle detail. To do that he'd have to endure the party painfully sober. And not anger Theo, because-

"Whether I actively avoid her or not, she'll find me. She did last time." Edmund recalled aloud. "But things have changed. I... have more faith in our future together than I did then." he confessed before smiling sardonically. "And though it's mostly healed, my face still remembers what she's capable of. I'll be civil." But not necessarily kind.
 
While Oliver knew he could be patient until tonight, hold off on his wants and needs until later, he couldn't help but wish that he didn't have to wait. That everything else would wait besides himself, and he could indulge himself immediately. But he was painfully aware that it was unrealistic and dangerous to do such a thing, and he had to keep reminding himself of that fact.

"Simple. Don't get drunk," He replied simply, taking another sip of his tea. He placed the cup down on to the tray. It would be interesting to see Edmund drunk again, though with how terrible the first time went, he wasn't quite sure if it would be an amusing show or one of yet another frustration and anger. Perhaps because the situation was different, there was confirmation of mutual affection that it wouldn't happen. But Oliver couldn't predict the future -- he could only hope for the best.

"I have faith you will behave yourself." He replied, sitting back in his chair, glad to be able to relax once more. "Though, while we're on the topic, you and I have to greet Lady Geneva and Theo at the docks when they arrive. They should be here extremely soon,"
 
'Don't get drunk.'

Easier said than done. There were some temptations just too sweet to forbear, and those were the ones with little consequence of indulging, or with gradual consequence. One drink would prime the nerves, two and he'd start to feel it. If that was all, then it wouldn't interfere with his nightly plans. But it was so hard to stop once started. That would be Edmund's stumbling stone. One could start without consequence, but stopping... Maybe he could find things to busy himself. There was always work to be done, especially when on a host's staff.

At Oliver's segue to greeting their guest of honor and her harridan bodyguard, Edmund looked curiously into the teapot as thought he may find some recourse in it. There was none, expectedly. "If we must, we must." He sighed in resignation. Though the marriage to be was mutually beneficial to both parties, and Geneva had no overt intentions on Oliver's heart, Edmund was still jealous and suspicious of her. It would have been easier if she were hideous. A pity that life blessed her with features fitting of her sympathetic, angelic nature.

Edmund put the lid back on the tea pot. "Should we be going then?"
 
Oliver grabbed another biscuit before standing, wiping off the front of his overcoat and pants. "Yes, lets." He was glad to have someone like Geneva to be his feigned partner. She was another individual to confide into, someone who was gentle and sweet and compassionate. She shared the same fears and worries over her personal relationship with Theo. A courtship and marriage with her would make his stress lessen and his own affair easier to manage with no more pressure to be finding a wife.

As they walked, a servant approached them, no one Oliver knew particularly by name. She was a short girl with a bob of neatly cut black hair and wide brown eyes. "Lady Geneva is at the docks, Your Grace," She informed the two of them. Oliver thanked her for the news and off she scurried off, inside to the castle. Seems like they were smart to start heading out to the docks now. "Awfully good timing, Edmund," He commented.

The trip to the docks was a short one. His estate resided not too far from the shores of country, and thus a brief carriage ride was all it really took to arrive at the docking area. The docks were reasonably busy -- ships with food and produce were unloading and bustling with activity. The ship Geneva was aboard was not hard to spot, seeing as the crewmembers were unloading chests, and not wooden boxes and barrels. Geneva stood on the dock, talking to Theo, a smile gracing her features as she spoke.

"Lady Geneva, it is wonderful to be seeing you again." He greeted as he and Edmund reached the two others. "The castle isn't far away -- just a short carriage ride and we'll be there."
 
Edmund followed at his side, perhaps closer than he should have dared, thinking just to brush against Oliver for a moment, perhaps tempt him in turn to reciprocate the gesture. The approaching servant precluded any affections though, and Edmund tacitly conveyed his displeasure, setting her with an austere, contemptuous stare. There went his hopes of stealing one last kiss before the party was underway. It left a tension in his chest, a longing without vent. He followed Oliver all the same, a foot from his side now, acceptably distant.

The docks were neither as private nor calm as those they had used to visit Johannsen's estate for the wedding. This place was more public, likely to ameliorate dissemination of Lady Geneva's arrival and the engagement it would precede. Edmund didn't care for the place. It reminded him more of his father than of the intimate memories he'd made with Oliver. Upon seeing the Lady and her guard, Edmund's mood didn't improve.

In a self-effacing gesture, falling into his subservient role, Edmund moved to follow a pace behind Oliver. Deferring, obliging. They were in public after all, best they look their part. Edmund subtly bowed his head in greeting before locking eyes with Theo. Territorial as beasts in motherhood, collared dogs, they exchanged silent warnings and mutual acceptance.

"Have you any carry-on luggage or personal effects you'd like me to see to, Lady Geneva?" Edmund asked a bit more briskly than was considered civil, but formal all the same.
 
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Oliver felt almost hyperaware of Edmund's presence and the shift in his position relative to himself. He started out close to his side, what Oliver considered normal att his point, to creating a distance and then behind him. Whether to put on a show to crew members and dock workers and to erase any suspicion of odd behavior or another reason, Oliver wasn't able to tell, but was a bit glad he decided to do it. It kept his own desires for affection at bay, as much as it pained him to do so, especially after so long.

"Thank you, Edmund. However, everything I need has been tended to, so you need not to worry," Geneva replied, glancing at Theo for a moment. Perhaps she was monitoring her behavior, almost like watching over a newly trained dog.

"Then we shall be on our way," Simply just for show, Oliver stepped forward and held on his arm, and Geneva gingerly held onto it, Oliver now escorting her. Oliver sent a look to Edmund, a small smile that he hoped would reassure him. Though he knew that it wouldn't make his jealousy or any other feeling brewing inside of him quell to a complete halt. He at least tried.
 
Where charade ended and genuine interaction began was easily blurred to an inscrutable boundary by Edmund's jealousy. The meaning of things became distorted, almost allegorical. And ultimately blinded Edmund. Reality reflected his tenebrous emotions, and through that dark he had only faith to guide him. Faith in Oliver. Which, Edmund found, that when put to the test, became tenuous.

He didn't return Oliver's smiled, couldn't, and so refrained from expression at all. Edmund fell into pace behind them as they proceeded to the awaiting carriage. He looked anywhere but at them, cataloging details as he passed them. Shipping company logos, produce, raw materials, dock hands that hadn't seen a break in years.

Theo seemed to detect that. She followed dutifully behind Geneva in full regalia, and armed. Edmund would never admit how ineffectual he felt beside her. "It's good to see you're in a better condition than when we last spoke." She jested lightly, quietly. Edmund gave her a tired look, but no reply. This was going to be a long, long night.
 
The lack of a reaction from Edmund, even the smallest annoyed glance, made Oliver feel uneasy. It didn't make him feel too confident with things if Edmund was acting suddenly so cold based on a simple gesture he had to do to keep up appearances. He made a note to maybe ask about it later that night, that is, if Edmund doesn't become volatile.

The carriage ride back, much like the one back, was nothing interesting of note. He spoke mostly to Geneva, who asked quite a few questions about the kingdom and life at the castle. She sounded ecstatic throughout the entire conversation, mentioning that she rarely got to travel. The time at Johannsen's wedding and the trip here for the engagement and party were the only few times she was able to leave her own country.

Upon arrival back at the estate, Oliver decided to try and sneak some time with Edmund. There was an hour or so for Geneva and Theo to get to their rooms and make themselves at home, and while he was supposed to continue to escort the two of them to their rooms... he thought it better if someone else did it. He managed to flag down that short, black haired girl from earlier and requested that she bring Geneva and Theo to their rooms. A short goodbye and then he and Edmund were alone.

"We have an hour to kill," He started. "Would you like to go somewhere specific?"
 
Once on their way to the Van Haver estate, Edmund chose to forego sitting in the cab and instead accompanied the coachman up front. For a pinch of snuff he tolerated Edmund's silent company. It was better than sitting side by side with Oliver, or Theo. There was too much risk in doing that. Between Oliver's proximity, Theo's sword hand, Geneva's conservatively sculpted cleavage, and the sickeningly friendly conversation, Edmund knew he wouldn't have fared well. The less exposure, the better.

When they had arrived, Edmund was surprised that Oliver didn't accompany Geneva and Theo to their quarters or offer them a tour. He wasn't about to cavil though. Especially not after Oliver addressed him. An hour to spare, potentially alone. He felt weightless at such a possibility, tensions freed, despair attenuated. "Fuck, yes."

He half lead, half ushered Oliver along the corridors to a disused study and, when no one was around, literally pushed him into it. The room was dim, the windows out of direct sunlight and half curtained. Used only for hours of lucubration, there was a stale scent about the place. Thin dust and desiccation, the brittle passage of time. Edmund hardly noticed it. Once he had the door closed he impulsively pulled Oliver against him into a kiss. Open mouthed, desperate, needing. Just one kiss. That was all he needed. Just one.
 
Oliver was not expecting such a sudden burst of energy from Edmund following his choice of creating time for the two of them alone. Hell, he didn't even so much as briefly wonder if he'd be dragged quickly and almost painfully to an empty study, one he had no idea even existed, only to be nearly thrown in and kissed, desperate, needy, and passionate. His heart was still ramming away in his rib cage from having to nearly sprint to keep up with Edmund. For a moment, he was shocked to have Edmund against him, his lips against his once more but calmed himself down enough to wrap his arms around his shoulder and pull his body closer. His fiery excitement was contagious, and he'd be damned if he wasn't just as elated at the alone time they had.

When they finally broke away, Oliver let out a small gasp for air. "Lord, Edmund. Give me a second to catch my breath next time," He chided lightly, a smile back onto his features. He pressed a hand to his cheek, though careful not to apply too much pressure out of habit. He was healing, but he was now used to being more cautious. "You missed me that much?"

It was a rhetorical question, and he already knew the answer to it. It had been much too long for the both of them to be suddenly split apart -- of course their time back together would be explosive, desperate and fast paced.
 
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