Alec couldn't sleep. Thanks to his pain meds, Xander was out like a light and sleeping soundly, but Alec couldn't rest. Nightmares haunted him. Dax held him by the hair, sneering at him. Sometimes, Xander was hurting badly, possibly even dead. Sometimes, it was Dark on the ground. Sometimes worse. He couldn't rest! He couldn't escape! They were hurt because of him! No matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, his mind kept circling back to that thought. He had been helpless. So incredibly helpless! Just like when he was a child. No, he still was a child, technically, but he felt he should have been able to do something other than cower in fear. Even if he still lost, at least he could have gone down fighting. But no, he'd been able to do nothing but hang there in his grasp. He was nothing but a useless, girly child. Always had been.
Finally, in the early hours of the morning, he got up and went to the bathroom he shared with Xander. He meant to close the door completely, but it didn't latch, leaving it open just a crack. He stood staring at himself in the mirror. His red hair hung just a little longer than shoulder length, bright red and limp. He reached up and touched it, letting his hand run through it gently.
"Thinking of turning into a girl, are you?"
"Such a pretty thing for a boy!"
"Why can't you be useful?"
"Weak! Do something useful for once."
"Seriously, a little girl would be stronger than you."
He flinched at Dax's scathing voice in his head, but it wasn't just Dax. The voices blended into other voices, one after the other until they were a muddled, single voice. He took a shaky breath, staring at himself. He was scared. So scared. Scared of his own mind. Scared of these men. Scared of what could happen to his family. His friends, even. He was tired of being scared. Tired of being worried. Tired of being haunted by what those men thought. Tired of it all!
Alec straightened his spine and stared at himself. "You... You do not control me," he said sternly, seeing in his mind's eye the parade of disapproving men. "Even... Even if I did want to turn into a girl - I don't, but if I did - it would be none of your business! The hair, the clothes, the fingernail polish... none of that makes someone one thing or another! It means I am enjoying myself! Enjoying things I like! I could even wear makeup! Dark does! He's kind and gentle and patient and tougher than any of you! He takes care of us and suports us no matter what we wear, no matter what we say, no matter what we want to do for a career, no matter what even when we're stupid and say mean things accidentally. He's a real man, and he wears makeup and long hair like me! I want to be like him, not like any of you!" He gripped a handful of his hair. "I like this hair! I like its length! But you don't get to use this against me! It is not a handle! You don't get to drag me around! I might not be able to stand up to you yet, but that doesn't mean you get to control me! I control me! And I say no one is ever going to use this against me ever again."
He looked around and grabbed a pair of small scissors Xander used to keep his hair under control in order to prolong time between professional haircuts. Lifting up a chunk of hair, he angrily chopped into it. Then another hunk. Then another. With each chunk, he felt the past criticisms falling away. They didn't get to dictate how he felt about himself or anyone else!
Xander walked in only seconds later, sleepy-eyed and zoned. He stopped short when he saw chunks of red hair lying all over the bathroom. "What's going on? Hey, what are you doing?"
Alec stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. Half of his hair on one side was nearly gone, hanging or sticking out in uneven chunks. His anger suddenly evaporated. What had he done? What had he done?! He dropped the scissors into the sink with a clatter and dropped to his knees, tears welling up. Stupid! So stupid! Why had he let his anger carry him away? Now he'd ruined it!
"That's a new look," Xander said carefully. He came over to stand next to Alec and looked at his reflection in the mirror. "Hey. You alright?"
"I think I made a mistake," Alec hiccupped.
Xander looked him over and then carefully gathered him in a hug. "Don't worry. We can fix that."