Sark
Im-im-impossible!!
Lemme tell y'all something I discovered today:
Turns out Woodchucks are only called woodchucks because some Pilgrim dudes misheard the name the Native Americans gave to the Land-Beaver- Wuchak, which means digger.
How did we all get it so wrong? Look at this picture of a woodchuck.
Now really look at it. Now really look at it. How could something the size of a football throw/chuck a piece of wood- maybe it could flip some bark or a largeish stick, but a piece so large it could be called 'wood'? I don't think so. Unless that little guy is about to go Super Saiyan and blast that tree into the stratosphere, or use its secret mind powers to become a lumberjack, I think it's in need of a name change.
Let's start a petition: Change the Woodchuck's name to bark chucker, or we'll boycott all wood-based goods. That ort to show the world we mean business
We know woodchucks have some sort of secret powers though, let's be real. They created the timeloop in Bill 'Senpai' Murray's Groundhog Day- and the film shows them to be able to drive too- and the people of Punxsutawney believe that they own the magical Groundhog named Phil. They practically have a cult worshiping him in that town, keeping his location a secret, dressing only in 19th-century clothing and communicating in 'Groundhogese'-- it's actually rather terrifying. They say that by looking at his shadow once a year, Phil is able to predict the future and predict whenever winter will end. Truly, he is worth a day of celebration and a cult following. I probably shouldn't reveal too much about them though, lest they retaliate and try to sacrifice me to the God-Hog.
Phil still seems like a pretty cool guy though.
Honestly can't wait until they try recruiting him to the Avengers for Infinity War- he might become obsolete when compared to the altogether more impressive Rocket Racoon, but I still think that there is a vacancy on the team for a mind-reading rat. Definitely superhero material.
Although, we shouldn't glorify Punxsutawney's Super-Rat too much- I'm starting to believe that his powers may be a scam. If 'Phil', as the locals call him- who has apparently lived for hundreds of years- can really see the future, where was he when we needed him? On February 2nd, 1942- one of the high points of the Second World War, the people flocked to Phil's thrown, begging him for answers.
"Phil-san!" They cried "What will the weather be like this year!?!"
The Generals were desperate to know of Phil's prophesy- if the winter ended early, what would it mean for the war? What would it mean for the free world? Could an early spring derail their plans to send ships across the channel to provide aid in Europe? America, no, the World needed answers.
This is what Phil's human advisors reportedly said to the crowds:
"War clouds have blacked out parts of the shadow."
That's right: the Hog we had placed so much faith in failed to help us in our time of greatest need. We had been abandoned by Phil himself. With him outed as a Swindler, it was a miracle the town's social order didn't just collapse. Its a miracle the town didn't fall into anarchy. It's a mircale we didn't loose the war! To rub salt in the wound Phil carved in our hearts, he didn't even show up to his own celebration the next year, possibly hoping that the controversy would blow over and that the people would love him again (either that or he was planning to sell his weather secrets to the enemy; the Punxsutawney Council is yet to return my email on the matter).
Sadly, people forgot about that fateful day in 1942. The world moved on, and forgot all about Phil's lies and began to worship him again. Next month marks the 76th Anniversary of that day, and I say it should be a day of mourning.
I don't know why my first post on this site is going to be a comedically exaggerated hyperbolic rant about Woodchucks, nor do I understand why I am getting so worked up about it. I was never bitten by a groundhog as a kid or anything, so I'm probably not writing out of trauma-- Heck, I've never even seen a groundhog. In Australia, we don't even get them, and if you tried to smuggle one in, Border Security would lock you up in a place nobody would find you. Instead, we get Wombats- which are essentially fatter, uglier, pouched Groundhogs. Now those guys could easily chuck wood. If you guys would like a quick description of the beast, imagine a Woodchuck that had been sat on by a larger groundhog. That's what a Wombat looks like: God Bless the Australian Wildlife.
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I should probably explain who I am now aye. I'm Good Cop Rad Cop, folks call be Rad Cop, and I am not actually a cop (I know someone is going to ask that at some point, but I promise I'm not- I just thought the name sounded cool). I'm just an average half ginger, half Australian trying to get a degree and get a musical published-- once the latter is complete I shall be content with my life, and leave it for the next one with a smile. I primarily write comedic stories, rants (like this one, they won't make much sense) and comics, which I hope to maybe share with you guy some time- maybe I'll start a blog or something. I'm also a massive fan 0f B-Movies and musical theatre, owning 4 different recordings of Les Miserable on CD, and having listened to Hamilton more times than I can count. But that's enough of me: I'd love to get to know you guys and start writing in this great communities.
Signed, Your Obidient Servant,
Rad Cop
Turns out Woodchucks are only called woodchucks because some Pilgrim dudes misheard the name the Native Americans gave to the Land-Beaver- Wuchak, which means digger.
How did we all get it so wrong? Look at this picture of a woodchuck.
Now really look at it. Now really look at it. How could something the size of a football throw/chuck a piece of wood- maybe it could flip some bark or a largeish stick, but a piece so large it could be called 'wood'? I don't think so. Unless that little guy is about to go Super Saiyan and blast that tree into the stratosphere, or use its secret mind powers to become a lumberjack, I think it's in need of a name change.
Let's start a petition: Change the Woodchuck's name to bark chucker, or we'll boycott all wood-based goods. That ort to show the world we mean business
We know woodchucks have some sort of secret powers though, let's be real. They created the timeloop in Bill 'Senpai' Murray's Groundhog Day- and the film shows them to be able to drive too- and the people of Punxsutawney believe that they own the magical Groundhog named Phil. They practically have a cult worshiping him in that town, keeping his location a secret, dressing only in 19th-century clothing and communicating in 'Groundhogese'-- it's actually rather terrifying. They say that by looking at his shadow once a year, Phil is able to predict the future and predict whenever winter will end. Truly, he is worth a day of celebration and a cult following. I probably shouldn't reveal too much about them though, lest they retaliate and try to sacrifice me to the God-Hog.
Phil still seems like a pretty cool guy though.
Honestly can't wait until they try recruiting him to the Avengers for Infinity War- he might become obsolete when compared to the altogether more impressive Rocket Racoon, but I still think that there is a vacancy on the team for a mind-reading rat. Definitely superhero material.
Although, we shouldn't glorify Punxsutawney's Super-Rat too much- I'm starting to believe that his powers may be a scam. If 'Phil', as the locals call him- who has apparently lived for hundreds of years- can really see the future, where was he when we needed him? On February 2nd, 1942- one of the high points of the Second World War, the people flocked to Phil's thrown, begging him for answers.
"Phil-san!" They cried "What will the weather be like this year!?!"
The Generals were desperate to know of Phil's prophesy- if the winter ended early, what would it mean for the war? What would it mean for the free world? Could an early spring derail their plans to send ships across the channel to provide aid in Europe? America, no, the World needed answers.
This is what Phil's human advisors reportedly said to the crowds:
"War clouds have blacked out parts of the shadow."
That's right: the Hog we had placed so much faith in failed to help us in our time of greatest need. We had been abandoned by Phil himself. With him outed as a Swindler, it was a miracle the town's social order didn't just collapse. Its a miracle the town didn't fall into anarchy. It's a mircale we didn't loose the war! To rub salt in the wound Phil carved in our hearts, he didn't even show up to his own celebration the next year, possibly hoping that the controversy would blow over and that the people would love him again (either that or he was planning to sell his weather secrets to the enemy; the Punxsutawney Council is yet to return my email on the matter).
Sadly, people forgot about that fateful day in 1942. The world moved on, and forgot all about Phil's lies and began to worship him again. Next month marks the 76th Anniversary of that day, and I say it should be a day of mourning.
I don't know why my first post on this site is going to be a comedically exaggerated hyperbolic rant about Woodchucks, nor do I understand why I am getting so worked up about it. I was never bitten by a groundhog as a kid or anything, so I'm probably not writing out of trauma-- Heck, I've never even seen a groundhog. In Australia, we don't even get them, and if you tried to smuggle one in, Border Security would lock you up in a place nobody would find you. Instead, we get Wombats- which are essentially fatter, uglier, pouched Groundhogs. Now those guys could easily chuck wood. If you guys would like a quick description of the beast, imagine a Woodchuck that had been sat on by a larger groundhog. That's what a Wombat looks like: God Bless the Australian Wildlife.
--------
I should probably explain who I am now aye. I'm Good Cop Rad Cop, folks call be Rad Cop, and I am not actually a cop (I know someone is going to ask that at some point, but I promise I'm not- I just thought the name sounded cool). I'm just an average half ginger, half Australian trying to get a degree and get a musical published-- once the latter is complete I shall be content with my life, and leave it for the next one with a smile. I primarily write comedic stories, rants (like this one, they won't make much sense) and comics, which I hope to maybe share with you guy some time- maybe I'll start a blog or something. I'm also a massive fan 0f B-Movies and musical theatre, owning 4 different recordings of Les Miserable on CD, and having listened to Hamilton more times than I can count. But that's enough of me: I'd love to get to know you guys and start writing in this great communities.
Signed, Your Obidient Servant,
Rad Cop