Is anyone else (emotionally) struggling right now?

AmatsuOtaku said:
Often times the only way I can fall asleep is imagining myself cuddling with them or sleeping beside them. The feeling is so powerful I swear I can actually feel them beside me in the real world.
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So I didn't realize it when I said this, but is this a normal thing people do? I know people often imagine someone else being there, but can you PHYSICALLY feel it? I do it with objects, too - I can see and feel something in my hand as if it was really there.

And another thing about that dream I had. I've been thinking about it a lot, and now I think it may have been some sort of lucid dream? I've done some research on how to lucid dream before and I now realize I was actually doing one or two of those things before falling asleep. I was aware that I was dreaming and actively made the choice to come back from the edge of the void. And I think Crona probably appeared because I was still picturing them beside me in the real world when I fell asleep.
I also believe I slightly woke up right before having the dream, another sign of lucid dreaming about to occur. I could guide what happened but not completely control it.

I'm confused lmao

Edit: Also I woke up right after the dream ended. It was half an hour before my alarm would have gone off. There's no way I just naturally woke up at that time... it was 3 AM and I hadn't even slept more than 4 hours.
 
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Oh am I struggeling right now...
Im not exactly the most sociable person in the world and I live on my own.
Wich defenatly didnt help against the depresion I stumbled in to.
My breaking point though I belive was when my cat passed away on my birthday last year.
I got so bad I would not even be here had not one of my work colage talked me in to calling for help...
I am forever greatfull to her.
Still havent gotten over it all.
 
I hope you're well and that these feelings subside soon, I know that it doesn't simply stop, but I truly hope you feel better over the coming days.
 
Hey y'all I wrote a poem about how I feel in this eNdLeSs SoLiTuDe (cross posted from my poetry thread)

As it is with a lot of my poetry, the imagery and themes are very fluid and progress throughout the story. They don't change, they flow smoothly as connections are formed with relevant points. That being said, the beginning of the poem will often be very different from the ending in terms of mood or descriptive language. This is how my thoughts naturally progress, and is meant to be the most natural way for me to portray these feelings.

The Road to Solitude

So many times I’ve reached a dead end
or ended up at the bottom of a cul-de-sac,
but every time you were there to take my hand
and show me a new road around the bend.
I stood on a street corner and looked both ways.
Either direction seemed to lead into nothingness.
At the intersection of love and hate,
a car flies by me, again a near miss.

The street signs blur and grow warped,
not that I could read them in the first place.
Where am I now? In the middle of a road
with no streetlights on to light my way.
A car approaches from behind with their high beams on,
and a kind stranger leans out of the window.
They ask me if I’ve gotten lost
somewhere along this endless, empty road.

I answer “yes” to the wind, a faint sigh
echoing throughout this desolate land,
but the car and driver vanished before my eyes,
taking the warmth of the headlights with them.
Still, I keep walking, determined not to disappear.
This road is a place of isolation, after all.
Only those weary travellers with nothing to fear
are unfortunate enough for this fate to befall.

Do I truly have nothing to fear
in the face of Death, if he were to approach me?
How long have I been stranded here,
blindly following this road laid out before me?
Something appears in the distance, a beacon of hope.
A street sign, - leaning, but still intact -
beckons to me, and to it I run,
hoping and praying to find my way back.

The words are barely legible, the sign worse for the wear.
I try to focus and decipher it.
This fork in the road of what fate you shall bear
is the crossroads between Hell and Heaven.
The gates to Heaven are locked up tight,
but the gates to Hell still stand wide open.
I walk past the two, off into the night.
I travel the path less taken.
 
Lol my ambiverted ass started talking to this random person being all optimistic and cheerful and then reverting back to introvert mode once they confirmed we're friends now.
What is wrong with me xD
 
So, all of my problems are back.

I sleep way too little or I sleep too much. I'm not eating healthy at all. Not exercising. I'm just a mess. I've been having weird dreams that I won't even try to explain here. I really need to talk to my therapist again but we haven't gone in months because of the quarantine and I'm going crazy.

I keep having random headaches. I feel tired literally all the time. I often want to cry for no reason, purely out of stress. At this point I am literally even hallucinating, both auditory and visual. I keep seeing movement/change where there is none, the world warps and spins around me and I swear I can make out shadow figures in the darkness, and now I'm afraid to sleep.

As for my depression and my anxiety, I have no motivation to do anything but I'm also bored out of my mind. I don't have the energy to sing or the inspiration to draw. I keep waiting for stuff that isn't going to happen (people replying to rps or interest checks). I get so anxious waiting for replies I actually get shaky and my heartbeat speeds up a bit (I know the excess caffeine is part of the problem here). I've had to pause multiple rps because I just cannot write right now, I can't write anything but the specific fandom that I can't find many/active partners for.

There's at least 3 rps that have been waiting to start for DAYS but I've either been ghosted or they're super busy for some reason. Being an athazagoraphobic, this is really stressful for me even though I know they don't mean to. I keep messaging them and they reassure me that they'll reply "soon" but they NEVER DO and I feel like I'm being annoying.

Just needed to rant a bit, that'll be all.
 
I know how to fix this. BEcOmE a ScHkEwL sHoOTeR.



aLl Those KidS wiTH ThE pUMpEd Up KiCkS, YoU bEttER rUn BeTTer RUn, OuTrUn My gUn.
 
Cross-posted from my vent thread on RPN.

So, my parents decided it would be a good idea to shut off the internet every night around like 11 pm. I typically wake up between 3-5 AM, but these lazy idiots sleep until like 9. I have friends in other time zones and with different schedules that I like to/can only talk to in the mornings.
They did it because I was on the internet in the early hours of the morning. Okay, fine, I can understand that if I slept for 8-9 hours like normal people. But I don't. I'm an insomniac and short sleeper, I do not sleep for nearly as long as the rest of my family. 4 in the morning is a perfectly reasonable time for me to be online if I go to sleep at 10 or 11. And now I have to wait for these fools, who stay up until 12 or 1 AM, to drag themselves out of bed HOURS after I've naturally woken up.

I asked my mom to turn the internet back on around 5 today and she got mad that I woke up at my normal time. THIS IS WHEN I WAKE UP FOR SCHOOL, mind you. I'm not getting up super early just because I can, it's a habit that I'm not going to put the effort into breaking. I get up, I have coffee, I eat breakfast, and then I go onto youtube or STC/RPN. I have a routine. This stupid new rule destroyed my routine. And I'm autistic/ADHD, so when I get into a routine I get upset REALLY easily if that routine is broken.
Also, who cares if I'm online in the middle of the night anyway? They have access to my search history, seriously they could just read all of my STC/RPN posts if they wanted to. I'm not getting into trouble online. All of my conversations and rps remain PG, PG-13. And I'm not stupid enough to go meet some stranger irl or go offsite to talk to them, just no, why would I do that? My parents take me for an idiot.

I use STC/RPN as a way to relieve stress and fill up the literal hours of free time I have every day. It's my creative outlet. It's my break from reality. My parents are fortunate enough to not be depressed/suicidal, but that also means they have NO idea how it works. Yes, I'm online all the time. No, that does not mean I'm okay with taking long breaks for no reason. Yes, I seem irritable and antisocial when I'm around my family. No, that does NOT mean the internet is the problem. I'm less happy when I'm forced to 'socialize' with people I've lived with for 14 years and I'm honestly sick of, how is that so hard to understand? My reality SUCKS, my everyday life is a literal hell. I'd much rather disappear into one of my fantasy worlds with people I actually like and things I can control than live in this purgatory of day after day of pointless suffering.

The people I talk to online are my friends. Insert friendo from RPN's name here is a great example of that. I feel like the people I know irl just don't give a crap about how much I'm struggling. At least some people on STC/RPN are willing to listen to what I have to say. There are genuinely good people on this site, and talking to them has been good for me. Having somebody there to reassure me that I'm not a useless piece of trash has at least slightly improved my confidence. And for god's sake, I'm athazagoraphobic! I have the specific fear of being forgotten or ignored, so WHY the actual hell would you force me to spend extended periods of time being unable to reply to people?! I know others are more patient than I am but it still terrifies me to think that someone might be waiting for my response, or getting annoyed that I haven't replied, or even getting depressed because they think I ghosted them or some crap like that. I already have anxiety, just go ahead and make it worse, why don't ya?

Another one of my specific coping mechanisms is music. WELL, it's impossible to download every single song I listen to onto an mp3 player, and with the internet being shut off, I can't access youtube. I COULD write to relieve stress, but I prefer writing with someone/role-playing so I get serious writer's block while trying to write on my own. Writing takes an incredible amount of focus that I just don't have. I have the attention span of a freakin' goldfish. I could attempt to do art, but guess where I'll want to share said art when I'm done? Yep, THE INTERNET. I could talk to someone- INTERNET. I could watch netflix- nope, INTERNET. Hey, I could write some music! But I need to google something about this instrument- OH, WAIT.

When I'm talking to my family irl, you can bet I'm internally screaming obscenities and making sassy comments about whatever they say. I am SO sick of them acting like they can control me. Like excuse me woman, you do know I'm dangerously depressed and all of my coping mechanisms involve the internet, right? Yep, she knows, my mom just really doesn't give a crap. At this point I'm starting to think my mom WANTS me to commit suicide because of how she's been acting towards me. My younger siblings are much less difficult to deal with, after all.

And I'm sick of people acting like they understand depression. If you've never actually hated your life and wanted to die, IDGAC. No, Jimmy, just because your mommy took away your playstation for the weekend doesn't mean you're sooooo depressed. If your playstation was the ONLY thing that made you happy you didn't truly appreciate your life. At least you have a playstation, suck it up you privileged baby. Oh, somebody disliked your idiotic Facebook post? NOBODY CARES, KAREN. Just because one bad thing happened you do not have the right to say you're depressed. Depression often lingers for weeks, months, even years with no explanation. You don't know why, you just feel sad and useless all the time. You might be lonely, but also have zero confidence to go make new friends. You might want to die, but deep down you're too afraid to, so you just keep on living with the pain every. single. day. That's what depression is. It's not crying because your boyfriend broke up with you, it's breaking down randomly over little things because of all the pent-up stress, then not even having the energy to cry. You might feel good one day just to fall back into despair the next. It's a constant struggle.

sigh That's all for now.
 
(Imma attempt to give good advise, sorry if it goes badly!)
I relate to a lot of that, my parents are absolute assholes when it comes to the internet. Luckily, i've been able to get on it quite a bit because of lockdown and this is the only ways to keep myself occupied. I dont have a phone yet and my parents say I can have one in year 9 (age 13-14) but at the moment, i'm doubting if that is even gonna happen. My classmates are always making plans through WhatsApp and I have no access to that, meaning I miss out on the fun. Come to think of it, I dont think any of my classmates would have wanted me to come, the always act as if im an annoying burden for them.
AmatsuOtaku said:
I know others are more patient than I am but it still terrifies me to think that someone might be waiting for my response, or getting annoyed that I haven't replied, or even getting depressed because they think I ghosted them or some crap like that. I already have anxiety, just go ahead and make it worse, why don't ya?
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When you get stressed someone hasn't replied for a while, give them time, maybe they've had a bad day or they need to sort out something important. And when you get anxious that others are like that, when you next reply just add a quick: ((Sorry for the wait!)) and you'll probably find that they didn't mind!
AmatsuOtaku said:
When I'm talking to my family irl, you can bet I'm internally screaming obscenities and making sassy comments about whatever they say. I am SO sick of them acting like they can control me. Like excuse me woman, you do know I'm dangerously depressed and all of my coping mechanisms involve the internet, right?
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I often do that too but it gets me into big trouble. My parents are strict and arguing back is just not an option. Most of my coping mechanisms include music, YouTube, and my friends. but of course, all of those include the internet at the moment. My mum occasionally takes my computer away if I haven't helped out around the house much, which is understandable. If we're arguing, my mum will usually use my little brother as an accuse for me to shut up. like: "Kat, shut up you'll wake him from his nap!" when she has been screaming as much as I have. My dad is a lot better than my mum, but if we do argue, he always says that i'm 'trying to have an argument' which pisses me off.
(This turned into less of advise and more of an inside to my life haha)
 
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